Longbeach to San Diego

Warning ““ When driving the tour van late at night and needing to stay awake - Do not eat an entire bag of Butterfinger Balls, then drink a 16 oz. Monster Energy drink with taurine, guarana, ginseng, and carnitine. What happens is not good. Carnitine? Is that even real? And what is taurine? And guarana. They usually say the guarana is an “˜extract.’ Yeah, it’s an extract. That sounds official, that sounds natural. Fresh off the vine, right to the dump truck of my stomach.

My intestines turned into velcro and I felt like I had eaten an old Casio keyboard, then chewed on a nine volt battery with chocolate on it. I was jacked up. Ready. And everyone else in the van, was asleep. There I was. Lit and solo. A shark hunter in a goldfish tank. No one to talk to.

Nothing to do but put on DJ Shadow and turn into Captain Cookie Snake.

I am piloting a gigantic blimp with 200 pimps on board -

“This, is your captain speaking. Put your seats back, recline, and let the undulation begin. Dirigibles, wrought and decorative, with Gucci leather egg shaped chairs, and Putt Putt. Chicken wing barbecue, caramel, Xanadu. A gilded flow. Astroturf miniature golf. Waterfall sub woof. Tropical.”

A ‘Canopy Level Sounds’ cd plays through hidden speakers.

“I’m talking about a gathering of kindly pimps, floating around, and knocking a little ball between plastic dinosaurs and windmills.”�

The blimp turns left and everyone leans centrifugally.

“Have another truffle. We have just hit cruising altitude. I’ll just put this on auto pilot. Someone fetch my velvet. I own an albino tiger. Where’s my putter? The tray tables are tarts, so nibble at will.”�

Trent - out.

Head Like a Kite

Photos: Dan Tyler