Here’s what to do if you want to put on the best goddamn metal show in the history of the world, like Dragonforce did last night at the Showbox (okay, maybe it wasn’t the best in the history of the world, but it was still pretty killer, the most entertaining show I’ve seen in a long time):
-Put fans at the front of the stage, so when your band members lean over them during guitar solos, their down-to-their-butt metal hair blows around their faces like a shampoo commercial.
-Have cup holders attached to the microphone stands that hold bottles of gatorade and cups of beer and/or water with straws so you can drink out of them while playing four-minute long guitar solos.
-Put two trampolines on the stage to ensure maximum jumpage.
-Change shirts a number of times during the show, but end up shirtless in the end.
-Make sure your drummer is playing the biggest drum kit ever seen with at least 10 cymbals and two kick drums.
-Praise Seattle (or whatever city you happen to be playing) for having “good weed.”
-When you play your power ballad, bring out a giant lighter, so the audience knows it’s time to get theirs out too. And absolutely wear a black cowboy hat while singing the song.
-Have your keyboardist switch to a keytar and do his solos at the front of the stage while humping the air and playing the instrument behind his head.
-Lick your guitar.
-Play the first 10 seconds of “Come As You Are,” despite the crowd’s booing.
-End a weird fucked-up carnival keyboard solo/techno dance break that sounds like Ninteno’s Bubble Bobble on speed with The Simpson’s theme song.
-Wear really tight white pants and ask the crowd if they want to see your self-proclaimed enourmous penis. But don’t actually show them when all the drunken metal boys enthusiastically cheer as though they do.
-Have the entire crowd split in two, right down the center, for the last song so as soon as you yell “Go!” at the song’s climax, everyone runs towards each other and turns the entire Showbox floor into a giant mosh pit.
-Come out for an encore, but when your two guitarists haven’t made it back to the stage yet, get the crowd to yell “Gaylords!” in unison to make them hurry.
It was Dragonforce’s first show in Seattle, and apparently it was their fifth sold out show in a row on this tour. The Showbox was totally and completely and absolutely packed, stinky, and hot. I bet it smelled worse than the Melvins’ show in there. But the show was fucking fantastic anyways. I mean, as fantastic as a hilarious and epic adventure metal show could be. I’m so glad I didn’t miss it.
Did I forget anything that happened last night? I really wish I could’ve taken pictures for ya’ll (especially of the guitarists drinking out of their gatorade bottles while playing their solos), but the tight security wouldn’t let me take a marker into the venue let alone my digital camera. Oh well. Just envision a lot of hair, a lot of water being sprayed onto the crowd, and a lot of hands constantly making the metal sign and the “gimmie more guitar” finger-waving motion.