This post Ari did a couple days ago about her new friend, his confusing e-mail address, and a British boy-band’s cover of Bone Thugs N’ Harmony’s “Crossroads” reminded me of something I should probably put in a public forum in order to make it official: “Crossroads” must be played at my funeral in its entirety while people throw various colored glittered roses on my casket. Or urn. Or Rubbermaid container. Whatever I end up in after my last breath.

I’ve been planning my funeral since junior high. These plans are not being made in a morbid way, or even a trendy goth way. I just want to make sure that my funeral is awesome—awkward, slightly inappropriate, and not all that serious. Like me. A lot of music will be featured, but it can’t be stuff I really love or my friends really love, because I don’t want to taint anything. For instance, if you play Jawbreaker, I’ll come back to life and kill you. And because I’m a huge fan of themed mix tapes, all the songs have to be about death or dying or heaven or hell or whatever. Obviously.

So “Crossroads”? Well, Crossroads is a must. So is “Gangsta Lean” for that matter. And someone better rock some Plastic Mastery too. It can’t all be mid-90s R&B that KUBE rocked when I was 13 (I listened to a lot of KUBE when I was 13, and these songs have stuck with me ever since).

But if anyone brings that Puff Daddy/Sting duet bullshit in, I will haunt you for the rest of your life. Do not disturb the sexy, leave Puff Daddy at home.