BSE (TW) Best Song Ever (This Week): “Big River” by Johnny Cash
posted by August 31 at 11:00 AMon
You know what’s the worst thing about being smart? Making mistakes with people you love that you can’t fix. It sends you into a downward spiral of depression and self-loathing. This is an example of a thought process:
“Aren’t I a smart person? Smart people are supposed to solve problems, not create them. Now this person, who I really like, might hate me. And I have no way to repair the damage I’ve done. All I’ve got is my brain, and even that fucked up. I have nothing, and now this person might be gone from my life, and it’s my fault. Smart people should be able to prevent catastrophe, that’s what makes them smart. I am no longer worthy of this person’s presence (if I ever was).”
You get the idea, but the thoughts are endless.
When this happens to me, I want to flee to some place seperate from other people. I want to beat myself up, because I figure that’s the only way I’ll learn. Suffering from self-hatred has it’s advantages, and even if you ruined something that could have been really amazing for you, you deserve what you get. Even if it was an innocent mistake. Those are the worst kind, because you lose your innocence instantly. Everything gets complicated.
That’s what this song is about. Johnny Cash made more mistakes than any of us, but the difference between him and us is that he knew how to tell people how it feels to fuck up. This song doesn’t make me feel any better about what I’ve done, but at least someone knows how I feel, even if he’s dead.
[Ignore any cheer in the song that you might imagine. He doesn’t mean it. The instrumentation is too jaunty in this video version, but it’s the only full version I could find on Youtube.]