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Thursday, August 30, 2007

The Jersey Side

posted by on August 30 at 12:40 PM


People I know are already getting hyped for the Boss’ upcoming tour. This ridiculous, Jersey-centric rant comes from my ridiculous friend Mike Healey in San Francisco:

I’ve also heard that the one and only Jon Bon Jovi will be hosting a Welcome to New Freakin’ Jersey pavilion in the lot at each show!

Highlights include but are in no way limited to:

—Sinatra medley and national anthem duet by Paul Simon and Bette Midler.

—The Goodfellas I’m Here to Fuckin’ Amuse You? Comedy Shack hosted by Joe Pesci and Ray Liotta with Mira Sorvino standing in for her father who was not born in Jersey.

—Tara Reid vs Brittany Murphy oil wrestling….best of three and if it goes to a third they settle it in a giant hampster ball
after the show….this is not to be missed and I’m sure it’s rigged (Atlantic City style) to go all three rounds.

—A round table discussion of religion and spirituality in modern American society. Panelists include David Copperfield, Tom Cruise (actually born in Syracuse, but attended Glen Ridge High School), Queen Latifa, John Travolta, Janeane Garofalo, and Charles Lindbergh (from beyond).

—Whitney Houston’s Home Cookin’, AKA “How to Distill Usable Cocaine from Your Own Urine.”

—Jack Nicholson, Kevin Spacey, and Bruce Willis discuss aging in Hollywood and the wide differences in pay scales for male and female actors in their golden years. This section concludes with a workshop on freebasing Viagra and navigating modern vaginal piercings popular among the 20-somethings.

—Unfortunately, the Glenn Danzig/Denis Rodman Iroc Demolition Derby will not be on the West Coast leg of the tour due to environmental concerns. Leaded gas was baned by the Clean Air Act and although promoters have used a loophole claiming that the parking lot is not a road and that these are “off road” vehicles allowing them to be legal in other states, Californnia is not having it. Rumor has it that this is really a result of some bad Planet Hollywood blood between Bruce and Arnold.

This is in no way a complete list, just a taste of the fun. Start working on your outfit.

And from my boy Jerome in Sacramento:

And don’t forget, Buzz Aldrin (Montclair) is throwing an after party at the Taj Mahal. Dione Warwick (East Orange) is doing a Count Basie (Red Bank) retrospective, followed by a one-on-one shuttlecock battle between Derek Jeter (Pequannock) & Shaq (Newark). Then the late-night screening of Frankie Muniz’s (WoodRidge) new film Who Really Shot Aaron Burr? (Newark). That shit is already killing me softly like Lauren Hill (South Orange).

RSS icon Comments


Back off, fellas. I think we all know that Jersey could totally kick Washington's ass. Just put your Gore-Tex hoods up and keep your heads low.

Posted by Jersey Dave | August 31, 2007 6:38 AM

First of all this is a celebration of the great Garden State....any discussion of which state's personalities have bigger balls would not go much further than Sinatra. Secondly If you will read more carefully you will learn that my college and I are from California not Washington....this should provide you with much more ammunition. Having said that if anyone out there from Washington (or the surrounding Pacific NW region) would like to step up and defend your rain gear in a GORE-TEX vs Z Cavaricci Giant Hamster Ball Cage Match (TM) Jerome and I will be happy to promote and or run a book on it.

Any takers?

Posted by Mike | September 4, 2007 9:10 AM

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