Damn Seattle, I am ashamed to report that fucking Spin Magazine is the first with a hot scoop on local favorites Schoolyard Heroes and the parents who are saying, “There hasn’t been a band this evil since Ozzy.” Apparently, a bunch of clueless parents have started an online petition against the band, discovering their Satanic agenda after reading a review in the Seattle P.I.

The petition reads:

We are a group of upset parents who are trying to stop a tragedy before it begins, and that tragedy is Schoolyard Heroes.

It has been brought to our attention that there is a cult of young children, ONLY 13 YEARS OLD in some cases, following this band around and running away from home. This must be stopped.

They are evil! They want to corrupt our children and drive them to murder with their fascination with the dark and evil world of Satan.

This issue was brought to our attention by this email which was sent by a concerned music listener to the Seattle Post Intelligencer:

Travis,

I have been into music all my life and occasionally look at the music reviews. Today’s band caught my eye (the pretty dress, although she is laying in a death pose), thinking they looked like they might play some interesting music. Much to my horror, I read your review and was just that…horrified at what I just read, that made their music sound all cutsie, let alone that the PI would glorify such evil. I clicked into their website and listened for 15 seconds, again to my horror, let alone the blood curdling lyrics that were spewing from their throats.

I’m curious to if you clicked into their website and read their lyrics? I have never read such evil words in my life. If this band isn’t avowed Satanists, I’ll eat my hat…let alone their name…Schoolyard heroes: (Columbine:…that murder our youth) Did you catch some of the titles…? “Serial killers know how to party”…everyone one of their songs glorifies death, dismemberment, murder, suicide. Where is your responsibility to society and the youth of today? Our kids are being murdered in the schools and on the streets by their own peers who feed on this sick music and you do write-ups and advertise this hopeless, destructive, evil music. Every parent ought to click into their website and see what their kids are being fed. THese are satanic priests in their pulpits on stages and in clubs around the world. They understand the power in music and how they can plant their ideas in your children to make them do anything. THey want to kill your children and their lyrics state this very thing. WAKE UP, it’s nearly too late.

I’m hoping that this is all some big joke that the Schoolyard Heroes kids have concocted and that Spin magazine hasn’t actually scooped us on a hilarious story about a local band that we write about all the fucking time but if so, a hat tip (and maybe a hat to eat later?) to you Spin and your timely reporting. If we get off our asses maybe the Stranger can be first to talk to these virtuous Christian parents about their concerns? Or maybe we can have the first live video-blog of Schoolyard Heroes’ members murdering each other, making necklaces out of each others’ skulls and eating brains? One can only cross their fingers and hope.

Stay tuned Seattle, and HAIL SATAN.