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Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Mauve Alert

posted by on October 16 at 10:53 AM

mauvealert.jpgReports are in that a Seattle grocery store played an instrumental, Muzak version of Soundgarden’s “Rusty Cage.” The person who called in the report was shopping for cream of broccoli soup when the Muzak came on.

The lyrics of the song say to “break your rusty cage and run.” Then there is talk of riding a pack of dogs. The cream of broccoli shopper didn’t break their can of soup, but they ran. And they didn’t ride a pack of dogs, they posted a ‘Mauve Alert’, screaming for people to get out of the store immediately.

Let’s be careful out there today, especially in the soup and cereal aisles (or Isles, thank you ‘Hungry).

This is a Mauve Alert. You may be leisurely browsing the cereal boxes, enjoying the fun shaped animals, the colors, and the sugar coated characters, but if they bust out an instrumental version of Hendrix’s “Little Wing” off the 1967 Axis: Bold As Love, you’re screwed.

The Mauve Alert Safety Commission instructions say to:

1) Wear a life preserver.
2) Put earplugs in.
3) Keep a baby can of Olympia Beer in your pocket at all times.

If Muzak like this comes on, drop what you’re doing, run into the parking lot, and pound the 8 ounces of beer as fast as you can. Then do four push-ups.

Be safe people.

RSS icon Comments


Oh dear. Blame it on the creamed soup.The highest form of flattery is imitation. Unfortunatly food and rock are both diluted in the process.

Posted by tANTE | October 16, 2007 11:25 AM

Tante says:
"You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete." Buckminster Fuller

Posted by Tante | October 16, 2007 11:29 AM

I knew I kept that Olympia in my pocket for a reason.

Rock Muzak. That is uncalled for. Thank you for the warning, Trent.

Posted by Mont-Vegas | October 16, 2007 11:42 AM

And don't they say that Muzak improves work activity? What bulllshit. If you want to drive your employees insane, play awful music over and over all day. There should should be nap breaks and porn, that would improve my work activity.

Posted by Mont-Vegas | October 16, 2007 11:44 AM

Fucking awesome post!

Posted by Heed The Warning! | October 16, 2007 12:10 PM

Wait, was there a followup to Grunge Lite?

Posted by matthew fisher wilder | October 16, 2007 12:27 PM

No Grunge Lite II. But I'm trying to find Sara DeBell, the lady who made Grunge Lite I. I've got a baby beer and some water wings for her.

Posted by trent moorman | October 16, 2007 1:27 PM

Mont-Vegas, you work at a sperm bank?

Posted by left coast | October 16, 2007 1:31 PM

Tell me more about the Soup and Cereal Isles...
Wait! Does anyone spell check this crap before posting?! You meant "aisles" - as in the rows where food and supplies are kept in a store. Damn you!

Posted by hungry | October 16, 2007 1:40 PM

When I'm at the grocery store and the muzak shit comes on, I go straight to the eclair section and down like 3 of them. And then the push ups of course.

Posted by clay | October 16, 2007 2:00 PM

And yes, there are the 'Cereal Isles'. They are just off the Florida Keys. They have all the Rice Crispies you want.

Posted by clay | October 16, 2007 2:02 PM

I recently heard a Muzak version of The Smiths' "Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want." It put the 'mmmm' in 'melancholy.'

Posted by Explorer | October 16, 2007 2:19 PM

I'm sure all the dudes in soundgarden are mad happy about getting paid an insanely large amount of cash for allowing their song to be used by muzak. That or they are hella mad about their reord label selling thier song to muzak. Either way it fucking sucks!

Posted by dan | October 16, 2007 2:25 PM

With an omission of the ‘a’ key, I have invented the perfect getaway vacation dream spot. Hook that shit up dog.

Beaches of Crunchberries. Waves of Pebbles. I float out on a big cluster of Cookie Crisp. It’s like the Land of Dairy Queen only tropical and made out of cereal. All the happy cereal friends are there too. Tony, and the Lucky Charms guy. The Trix rabbit. Snap, Crackle, and Pop are into some heavy drugs though. That’s the bad side of the island. Especially Crackle. We stay away from him.

And no, I don’t spell check. My mind naturally spells perfectly.

Posted by trent moorman | October 16, 2007 2:28 PM

I am rejoicing in this post. Axis: Bold as Love sending me into the parking lot to chug baby brews. I am fully alerted. Thank you, Mr. Moorman.

Posted by Ballard Eagle | October 16, 2007 2:44 PM

Oh my shit now I am rejoicing more.

The cereal island. That is great. I knew Crackle was fucked up. I KNEW IT!!!!

Posted by Ballard Eagle | October 16, 2007 2:46 PM

Yeah, Crackle's been messed up for years.

I love it in Muzak songs when there is a lame solo on some instrument that shouldn't be soloing. Like the oboe. Or the acoustic adult contemp solo, for people in waiting rooms who have yachts.

Poor Crackle. His name has crack in it.

Posted by L.Writter | October 16, 2007 3:24 PM

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