Instrumental Oppression

Muzak, the famous instrumental background music, was founded in 1934 by inventor Major General George O. Squier. The corporate offices were here in Seattle before they moved to Charlotte, NC. Squier took the words ‘Kodak’ and ‘music’ and made Muzak. He also cited research that said his background music improved productivity in the workplace.

Major General Squier said, “Buy my Muzak, and your employees will work harder.”

Billy Squier said, “Stroke me, stroke me.”

I say, “Horse shit.”

Muzak conducted its own psychological research and came up with “Stimulus Progression”—a formulated pacing and style of music that supposedly maintains productivity in the workplace. The music is played at low, almost subliminal volumes and places sections of silence between blocks of music. The style of music is purposefully bland so it won’t intrude.

Say it with me now, “HORSE SHIT. Mountain ranges of horse shit.” Let me tell you something, Major General Billy O. Squier: Bland music puts people to sleep. Drool fills keyboards worldwide because of your subliminal raping. You want to inspire your workforce? Play T. Raumschmiere, or Motor. Or let Mr. TJ Gorton program your sounds.

I did some research of my own. I ventured undercover into Muzak and took a look into one of the recording studios. What I saw was ugly. There were starving 80 and 90 year-old men chained to oboes and French horns. A black leather-clad dominatrix man stood over them with a whip eating an éclair and pouring sprinkles on their heads. The dominatrix man was screaming, “Play the score! Then you can eat, old man! And you better not miss the change this time!!”

Former Seattleite and Muzak employee John Amiga says:

Stimulus Progression is supposed to give people a psychological lift, a subconscious sense of forward movement achieved through programming sound in 15-minute blocks. The music is ordered from least to most stimulating, based on tempo, rhythm, instrumentation, and orchestra size. The last, most upbeat tune is followed by 15 minutes of silence. This relates to attention curves and prevents the sound from becoming a distraction.

According to the Muzak corporation’s literature, music alone cannot achieve the same results as their product:

Music is art, but Muzak is science. When you employ the science of Muzak in an office, workers tend to get more done, more efficiently, and feel happier. In an industrial plant, people feel better and with less fatigue and tension, their jobs seem less monotonous.

Feel happier? When you’re in the dentist’s chair and one of your teeth is getting drilled, does that instrumental version of “Proud Mary” make you feel happier? Does it make you less afraid of the drilling sound? Does it take away any of the shooting pain?

I’ll go one further on the psychological tip and say that due to association, Muzak invokes fear and stress. When I hear that instrumental “Proud Mary” I think of drills and dentist bills and I want to run like Marathon Man to the land of real music. A land where all 80 and 90 year-old musicians are free to eat éclairs and sauna if they want to. A land where the dominatrix Muzak man is chained like an ox to a plow and he’s tilling my cavity-free field.