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Tuesday, January 22, 2008


posted by on January 22 at 13:04 PM

crowbar1.jpgA couple months ago I made up a fictional band called Crowbar who had an unclean, germ spreading bass player. Sure enough, there is a real band called Crowbar from New Orleans. They play sludge-core and sound exactly like you would think they sound. Large evil dudes with goatees you would not want to piss off who’s music approaches Orc-Rock.

Of course there is a Crowbar. In many ways it’s a perfect name, synonymous with and standing for all that is sludge-core. An object used with blunt force to strike another person, usually in the head area.

Lets do a quick band name exercise. Make up band names you think probably exist:

1) Destruction – Yes. Destruction. German thrash metal. A gimme.

2) Satan Finger – Almost. There is a Satan’s Fingers and the Hospital Bombers from New Brunswick, NJ. I never would have guessed the Hospital Bombers part.

3) Blotto – There’s a Mr. Blotto. A jam band from Chicago.

Lets take it a little further:

4) Plow Fire 60 – Nope. There’s a Plow, a Mr. Plow, and a Snow Plow.


nightwish.jpg5) Night Wish – We’ve got a hit. It’s Nightwish though, one word, not two. Colossally shitty Euro-sleeze metal with orchestral cheese ballads. Their release Dark Passion Play is nominated for best album at the Finnish “Emma” Awards.

If cheese were speed, Nightwish travel at light-speed.

I didn’t expect the metal aspect to a band named Nightwish. I expected more spiritual goddess. They combine crappy orchestral singing with every metal lick you played when you were in seventh grade. Not only is there a goatee going on, there is a double-split twirled goatee going on. Bass player, Marco:


This concludes today’s band name exercise. You are traveling light-speed, your goatee is split twirled, you have an orc axe, a million MySpace friends, and you’re nominated for best album / band of the year.

Oh, and you’re smoking crack. You smoke so much crack that you think you live in Hobbiton. You’re Finnish, you’re paranoid, and you sleep with your bass and a shield. You also hide pellets of crack in your goatee because if you don’t smoke every twenty minutes, you withdraw and breakdown at the realization that you write metal ballads about battling dragons and play them in front of people.

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I was going to have a crust band once called Aggro-Crag. Like on Guts.

Posted by Ari Spool | January 22, 2008 1:33 PM

So good, Ari. Please tell me you saw - this.

Posted by trent moorman | January 22, 2008 1:44 PM

That is exactly what Aggro-Crag was going to be like!

Posted by Ari Spool | January 22, 2008 2:05 PM

Thanks for a new drinking game idea, or an alternative to strip poker.

Posted by A_tothe_k | January 22, 2008 2:11 PM

It would totally be a good drinking game.

Make the band name up, but you also have to make up how you think they will sound. If you're off, you drink. If the band doesn't exist, you chug. If you're close, everyone else drinks.

For Crowbar, everyone would have been drinking.

From the All Music Guide:

"Like the tool from which they take their name, Crowbar specialize in manipulating and battering heavy objects. Sludge: History of Crowbar offers a 15-song glimpse -- taken from six albums -- into this New Orleans band's extremely down-tuned heavy metal history. Like a stripped-down version of Pantera, Crowbar employs heavy-string guitar chugging, stops and starts, and macho vocals, but without the trebly leads. Essentially, this is tough-guy metal, a hybrid of New York hardcore, the life of pain vocals of Henry Rollins, and slow, plodding riffage. Certainly not for the meek, Crowbar play exactly the kind of music they look like they would play; judging from photos, there probably isn't a band member under 200 pounds, and they look as if they've been unloading trucks all day prior to picking up their instruments. If you like metal played as heavy and skeletally as humanly possible -- with absolutely no frills -- this is certainly a good place to find it." ~ Patrick Kennedy,

Posted by trent moorman | January 22, 2008 2:16 PM

Awesome post and I enjoy Nightwish!

As a side, Satan's Fingers and the Hospital Bombers is actually a reference to The Mountain Goats' The Best Ever Death Metal Band In Denton.

The running joke is that The Killers also stole their name from the song.

Posted by andrv | January 22, 2008 3:25 PM

The double split twirl goatee. I'm doing that.

I'll be doing to band name drinking game too.

My first pick: Discharge. That HAS to be a band name.

BTW, I've been laughing at 'Plow Fire 60' for an hour now.

Posted by DrumSchool | January 22, 2008 3:39 PM

I take my first pick and change it to: Mr. Discharge.

A 'Mr.' in front of anything ups the chances of it being an existing band name.

Posted by DrumSchool | January 22, 2008 3:54 PM

Oh, PLEASE don't tell me you've never heard of Discharge? They were legendary. Sounded like a jet engine.

Posted by Fnarf | January 22, 2008 4:12 PM

'Fire' and 'Mr.' in front of things does usually work as band names. Really, 'Fire' after a word works as well. For my guess, I'll go with -- The Elk Banana Cannon.

Posted by BenS | January 22, 2008 4:12 PM

Fnarf is on it. I think if it's obvious like that, the person has to drink. Drink my Discharge, biatch.

Posted by BenS | January 22, 2008 4:15 PM

and blotto.
come on. "i wanna be a lifeguard"?
upstate new york. 80s. near-hit wonder?

Posted by chops | January 22, 2008 4:20 PM

"Satan's Fingers and the Hospital Bombers" comes from a Mountain Goats lyric:

Posted by Michael | January 22, 2008 4:37 PM

Looks like I drink for Blotto and the Mountain Goats lyric.

Posted by trent moorman | January 22, 2008 5:06 PM

any heavy metal band with a name having to do with death is also good

Posted by nobody | January 22, 2008 8:53 PM

I reckon if they're on the bill fro El Corazon you should have to do an extra drink for good measure. Or actually go and see them.
If you're really lucky you might hit this line up...
Tuesday, February 19 2008 • ALL AGES BAR W/ID
KISW Metal Shop & El Corazon Present
Rotting Christ
Averse Sefira
In Memorium
Corporal Mortification

Posted by Barky | January 23, 2008 8:56 AM

the killers stole their name from the fictional 'best band in the world' from the video for 'crystal' by new order. i wish i would've thought of that - great reference.

Posted by cosby | January 23, 2008 9:32 AM

I just had to chug for Rotting Christ.

That beats any band name I would have made up.

Posted by trent moorman | January 23, 2008 11:24 AM

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