posted by January 22 at 13:04 PMon
A couple months ago I made up a fictional band called Crowbar who had an unclean, germ spreading bass player. Sure enough, there is a real band called Crowbar from New Orleans. They play sludge-core and sound exactly like you would think they sound. Large evil dudes with goatees you would not want to piss off who’s music approaches Orc-Rock.
Of course there is a Crowbar. In many ways it’s a perfect name, synonymous with and standing for all that is sludge-core. An object used with blunt force to strike another person, usually in the head area.
Lets do a quick band name exercise. Make up band names you think probably exist:
1) Destruction – Yes. Destruction. German thrash metal. A gimme.
2) Satan Finger – Almost. There is a Satan’s Fingers and the Hospital Bombers from New Brunswick, NJ. I never would have guessed the Hospital Bombers part.
3) Blotto – There’s a Mr. Blotto. A jam band from Chicago.
Lets take it a little further:
5) Night Wish – We’ve got a hit. It’s Nightwish though, one word, not two. Colossally shitty Euro-sleeze metal with orchestral cheese ballads. Their release Dark Passion Play is nominated for best album at the Finnish “Emma” Awards.
If cheese were speed, Nightwish travel at light-speed.
I didn’t expect the metal aspect to a band named Nightwish. I expected more spiritual goddess. They combine crappy orchestral singing with every metal lick you played when you were in seventh grade. Not only is there a goatee going on, there is a double-split twirled goatee going on. Bass player, Marco:
This concludes today’s band name exercise. You are traveling light-speed, your goatee is split twirled, you have an orc axe, a million MySpace friends, and you’re nominated for best album / band of the year.
Oh, and you’re smoking crack. You smoke so much crack that you think you live in Hobbiton. You’re Finnish, you’re paranoid, and you sleep with your bass and a shield. You also hide pellets of crack in your goatee because if you don’t smoke every twenty minutes, you withdraw and breakdown at the realization that you write metal ballads about battling dragons and play them in front of people.