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Friday, April 25, 2008

“50 Falls for a Shorty in a Burka”

posted by on April 25 at 12:16 PM

Before the Guitar Hero days, you could pretty much guarantee yourself a shit-wich of a video game if it had anything to do with music. Aerosmith and KISS can attest to ’90s gaming cash-ins of the highest order, and let’s please not talk about those Sega CD games where you had to make videos with footage of C+C Music Factory, Kris Kross and Marky Mark.

But hip-hop stars have a relatively decent record with games. The Wu-Tang Clan whooped each other up in a pretty good fighter on PlayStation 1, while the Def Jam roster has beat the snot out of itself in a few good brawling games as well. 50 Cent, sadly, proved himself to be the motherfucking G-I-M-P in his ego-flaring virtual debut from 2005, 50 Cent: Bulletproof, but the “relive my hustlin’ days with unlimited lives” journey still managed to sell over one million, so where does that put Fitty?

50cent.jpg

In the Middle East with a rifle, naturally.

Gaming rag EGM “broke” the story in their last issue about the inevitable sequel, 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand (ughhhhh). I can’t believe this preview got published with a straight face; if you’re looking for unintentional comedy, EGM’s preview has you covered.

50 and his buddies fly to some vague Middle Eastern country to play a benefit concert, get stiffed for their payment (a diamond-encrusted skull, no less), and end up embroiled in a massive firefight with several warring factions over the aforementioned bling.

A hip-hop star doesn’t get his precious trinket-skull and starts killing “vague Middle Eastern” guys with bandana-covered faces and automatic weapons? This really exists? The article gets better, explaining that ol’ Curtis himself “really challenged us to create a more compelling setting…he felt like he’d been there, done that already.” You mean, been there done that exploiting the modern minstrelcy of gangsta rap, so now it’s time to cash in on another culture’s stereotypes in the form of a polygonal, megalomania-fueled killing spree? Come gimme a hug! And in case you’re wondering whether the game’s developers are street enough:

“Expect some co-op puzzles,” Blean says. “You will find these locked areas that require you to call over your homey to open up inaccessible areas, boost you up to a higher area, and so on.”

BOYEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Games sites magazines have gotten a lot of flak lately for puffing up awful games, so it’s good to see EGM give this G-Unit merchandising circle-jerk the critical eye it obviously merits: “50’s new game stands poised to outclass his previous effort with ease.” Ouch! Those game critics are hard as fuck.

RSS icon Comments

1

holy hell...seriously?

Posted by Taylor | April 25, 2008 2:34 PM
2

But let's not forget that true responsibility lies with the profit-hungry cocks who greenlighted this garbage. They're playing the socially responsible among us for suckas, knowing full well that our outrage only spreads the word, thus padding their bottom line. Devious fuckers . . .

Posted by shub-negrorath | April 25, 2008 3:17 PM
3

Sega is pretty modern. Try Journey Escape. Not just the worst music-themed game, it's the worst game period.

"Now it's up to you to guide each Journey Band Member past hordes of Love-Crazed Groupies, Sneaky Photographers, and Shifty-Eyed Promoters to the safety of the Journey Escape Vehicle..."

Posted by El Seven | April 25, 2008 3:24 PM

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