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Friday, April 11, 2008

Take a Moment to Ponder Hell

posted by on April 11 at 14:46 PM

Over at the Music Slut, they’ve unveiled the track listing for Coldplay’s upcoming album, Viva La Vida. Here are what the songs will be titled, presumably in order:

Life In Technicolor

Cemeteries Of London



Lovers In Japan


Viva La Vida

Violet Hill

Strawberry Swing

Death & All His Friends

Like all right-thinking humans, I loathe Coldplay. But when I happened upon this blog post, I took a moment to imagine exactly how much this album will suck, and it was an interesting exercise. Does the exclamation point on “Lost!” mean that it’s going to be an up-tempo number? Or is it more of a woeful cry of sorrow, as in “O, I am Lost!”? Will “Cemeteries of London” be the ballad I assume it to be, possibly about a deceased aunt or uncle, whose picture will appear in the liner notes for maximum Grammy sympathy votes? Or will Coldplay suddenly start ripping off The Cure, too?

There’s a kind of delight in imagining how much something will suck, before its parameters of awfulness are defined by reality. Here is what I assume: This album will have copious amounts of piano on it. There will be some kind of ‘branching out,’ which will probably mean adopting some other culture’s music in a half-assed way. There will be a ballad, and a slightly up-tempo song. There will be much sensitive mincing on Chris Martin’s part, and there will be some lyrics that bad critics for bad music magazines will pick apart to see if any of them relate to Gwyneth, or Apple, or Moses, or someone else with a weird name, like Barbarus, or Fencey. Within eight months from today, while sitting in my dentist’s waiting room, I will curse one of these songs for existing when I hear it for the two billionth time. These things are true. The rest of the possibilities—and the infinite ways that this album can suck—are breathtakingly wide open.

RSS icon Comments


Wow! You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? Or is this your pathetic attempt to emulate your hating forefathers, pitchfork? Dumbshit.

Posted by ??? | April 11, 2008 2:57 PM

I will say Chris Martin was pretty funny in Extras. I don't think you're a dumbshit, though; I think you're a smartshit if ever there was one.

Posted by Levislade | April 11, 2008 2:59 PM

I can only hope that the adoption of a culture's music by Coldplay will follow the adoption of a baby of that culture as well. Wouldn't THAT be a press coup?

"'I was just so inspired by their vibrancy, and I couldn't bear to see one of their cute little babies go to waste," said Martin's wife, Gwyneth Paltrow. 'I know he's going to love hanging out with his older brother and sister and dancing to daddy's song about his country.'"

I smell a Nobel Peace Prize.

Posted by Ari Spool | April 11, 2008 3:38 PM

Personally, I love Coldplay, and look forward to this album.

Posted by Will in Seattle | April 11, 2008 5:55 PM

Oh Paul, I fear I am really beginning to like you. Please do stick around the Stranger, now won't you? Of the many things I hate about Coldplay, the one that irks me the most is how much Martin is clearly, achingly trying to be Bono-lite. Blech.

Posted by Courtney | April 11, 2008 7:59 PM


I read somewhere online today that they are incorporating Funk into their sound on this new album.

Posted by KeeKee | April 11, 2008 10:57 PM

sounds cool to me, Kee Kee.

Posted by Will be Funk in Seattle | April 11, 2008 11:45 PM

i personally don't think coldplay is that bad; i believe they're a band in which "serious music fans" are afraid to admit they like, in fear of eternal ridicule.

with that said, i'm interested to hear what the album sounds like, primarily because brian goddamn eno is producing it.

Posted by douglas martin | April 12, 2008 3:45 AM

So you're saying they're like Bon Jovi. That's faint praise if I've ever heard it.

With that said, did you know that Brian Goddamn Eno produced Paul Simon's last opus, er... I mean album?


Posted by Gigi | April 12, 2008 9:32 AM

Eno is the world's preeminent sonic turd-polisher. However, producing Coldplay will surely push his miracle-working skills to the limit.

Posted by Deb Occle | April 12, 2008 7:00 PM

Coldplay are fighting it out with Soul Coughing, the Flaming Lips, U2 and the Red Hot Chili Peppers right now for the title of Worst Band Ever.

Posted by Grant Cogswell | April 12, 2008 8:59 PM

how bout that, your writing totally upstages the mediocrity that is coldplay.

Posted by sweetums | April 13, 2008 2:19 AM

To all those who like Coldplay: It is a documentable, undisputed FACT that Coldplay sucks. Wikipedia that shit.

Posted by jerry falls well | April 14, 2008 9:08 AM

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