??!! Take a Moment to Ponder Hell
posted by April 11 at 14:46 PMon
Over at the Music Slut, they’ve unveiled the track listing for Coldplay’s upcoming album, Viva La Vida. Here are what the songs will be titled, presumably in order:
Life In Technicolor
Cemeteries Of London
Lovers In Japan
Viva La Vida
Death & All His Friends
Like all right-thinking humans, I loathe Coldplay. But when I happened upon this blog post, I took a moment to imagine exactly how much this album will suck, and it was an interesting exercise. Does the exclamation point on “Lost!” mean that it’s going to be an up-tempo number? Or is it more of a woeful cry of sorrow, as in “O, I am Lost!”? Will “Cemeteries of London” be the ballad I assume it to be, possibly about a deceased aunt or uncle, whose picture will appear in the liner notes for maximum Grammy sympathy votes? Or will Coldplay suddenly start ripping off The Cure, too?
There’s a kind of delight in imagining how much something will suck, before its parameters of awfulness are defined by reality. Here is what I assume: This album will have copious amounts of piano on it. There will be some kind of ‘branching out,’ which will probably mean adopting some other culture’s music in a half-assed way. There will be a ballad, and a slightly up-tempo song. There will be much sensitive mincing on Chris Martin’s part, and there will be some lyrics that bad critics for bad music magazines will pick apart to see if any of them relate to Gwyneth, or Apple, or Moses, or someone else with a weird name, like Barbarus, or Fencey. Within eight months from today, while sitting in my dentist’s waiting room, I will curse one of these songs for existing when I hear it for the two billionth time. These things are true. The rest of the possibilities—and the infinite ways that this album can suck—are breathtakingly wide open.