Unfortunately winning Eurovision also has its drawbacks. Apart from costing your home country millions of Euros (or Roubles) to organise this campfest, there's also the hatred of millions of Europeans, you invariably get accused of plagiarism (every single year) and this time bad halfnude photos resurface with whispered gossip of "gay porn"and "escort".
Not in Russia, of course, where Dima is well on the way to sainthood (hey, the man resurrects ballerinas and little kids, I'd like to see you try it!), but pretty much everywhere else.

But look what a sex scandal did for George Michael's career! It can only increase his popularity in the gay community. And what else could Dima be aiming for? It's all one big plot to make this boring song a tad more interesting. I bet the KGB's involved....

(thanks for the tip, Terry... though now I have to get to those images out of my head)

Of particular note is the video that opened up the final show. It was last years Serbian winner Marija Serifovic who sang a Eurodance remix of her winning song, "Molitva", while a bevy of lesbians interpretive-ly got "married" behind her. Here it is:

The only real smirch on this years Eurovision is that a fascist political group made up of old guard politicians and new guard skin-heads, that is very popular in Serbia, volunteered to beat up and chase out of the country any and all gay fans that would show up for the competition. From what I have heard in news reports, it sounds like that didn't happen, but it's too bad that it had to even be threatened by the host country.

A bigger problem for Eurovision next year may be the fact that Russia won this year's competition. And if there could possibly be a country more fascistic and homophobic than Serbia, that country would be Russia.

Amazingly, Dima Bilan, the singer who brought home the prize for Russia, is about as faggy looking as they come. And I say that as a fag. With the mullet, the over the top vox, the figure skater.... I mean, come on folks. One can hope that Dima might help tamp down some of the hate politics in Russia as they prepare for this large endeavor next year, but I have no real belief a country as fucked up as Russia can face its problems just for the sake of Eurovision.

So see(?!?!), Eurovision does represent more than just irony masked in gay songs, dances and feather boas, as we learned this year from the fact that Serbia was hosting its neighbors who it is ready to go to war against (again!) over silly things like, you know, borders and stuff.

I'd like to send a huge - HUGE - thank you to Griet who braved every single contestant video and gave us such a unique and historic look at Eurovisions past, present and, now, future. That was an awesome job from our intrepid Stranger European Bureau reporter. Thank you so much Griet!

See you next year...

In Russia!

Dima Bilan singing the winning song "Believe".

A far too long review behind the jump.

Now what do you need for a Eurovision party? Booze, obviously. Lots of it. There are a Eurovision Drinking games here and there for those of you who need to be drunk to be able to sit through an entire night of questionable music.

But apart from that, score sheets are also essential. You can make them yourself (find the list of participants at the Eurovision website) or if you wait long enough, the BBC usually makes a handy one for the final. You can score on song, singing, lyrics, outfits, performance, key changes, general ridiculousness or hotness of the performers. Whatever works for you! Derive your winner from that and be prepared to be pissed off if Europe doesn’t agree with you.

Flags are nice, those little paper ones, but not the ones you put on cheese, those are too small, I know.. I’ve tried. You definitely need a country to back. For Europeans, it’s easy, just pick your own country (or *don’t*, as is usually the case for me), but for the rest of the world this opens a range of possibilities. Choose a country for its name, because it’s where your ancestors’ roots lie, because it’s your favourite holiday destination, because you like the song the most (or least) or because no-one else wants it (Belgium comes in handy in this last category). Defend this country and this song, no matter your personal feelings towards it, to the death. Shout at everyone who’s bitchy about it and hate all the countries that declined to vote for it. Drag wars into it if you have to –you wouldn’t believe the amount of times World War two gets mentioned around here at Eurovision time-. Be prepared to feel gutted if your favourite doesn’t make it even close to the top ten.

The big difference between the semis and the final is the voting. In the semis, the presenters will just get envelopes and read out who got through to the final. During the final the votes are given live (an example of this here). The votes are half the fun of Eurovision. Every single country has a satellite link and shows a local celebrity sitting in front of a national landmark. You’ll have a Brit sitting in front of Big Ben (ok, a blue screen with Big Ben projected on it, but still), a Frenchman in front of the Eiffel tower and here and there someone who just didn’t bother with landmarks and who sits in front of ugly wallpaper. Even when giving out the scores, Europe tries to impress. The voting usually takes well over an hour and is stereotypically the same. The country mentions where they’re calling from, they compliment the presenters on a magnificent show, try to say something in the native language of the host country, and if they go on too long you can see the presenters thinking “get the fuck on with it, you’ve only got one minute”. Entertainment guaranteed. They give their country’s three highest scores, the rest automatically appears on the screen, the audience in the arena starts booing if their country didn’t get any points, and they’re off again. On to the next country. This is where the bitching really starts. Conspiracy theories! Bloc votes! Politics! Ethnic Cleansing! Everything and anything goes as an explanation why your country didn’t get its rightful place in the ranking.

So, dress up, wave your flags, fill in your scoresheets, gently mock the contestants who deserve it, and be sure to acknowledge those who are fabulous. Have fun!

And for your (or my) enjoyment: two Eurovision Queens. First up: Deen from Bosnia & Herzegovina (9th in 2005), who might technically not be a queen, but ... well... He wants! To dance! All night! In the discoooo....

And Helena Paparizou (winner in 2004) and her gorgeous men (note the Fire/Desire rhyme):

Spain has always guaranteed an er… typically Spanish song. Sung in Spanish (quite like the French), sometimes up-tempo, a little old-fashioned. You name it. There was Mocedades in 1973 (Eres Tu –2nd place), Azucar Moreno in 1990 (Bandido – 5th place), Annabel Conde (Vuelve Conmigo – 2nd place) in 1995 and the gorgeous Beth in 2003 (Dime - 8th place). This year they’re sending Elvis. Rodolfo Chikilicuatre has an insane DIY dance routine called Baila el chiki chiki (“dance the chiki chiki” - kinda like the Macarena, but better). In case you’re wondering what he’s on about, there’s a translation and most of it its made clear by the fantastic dance routine. I’m a big fan and this should definitely keep Spain out of the bottom four.

Serbia qualified for the final by winning last year. No, I won’t plug Marija Serifovic again, but she deserved to win. And this year, they might just win the whole damn thing again. Jelena Tomasevic sings Oro, yet another folky ballad from Serbia. And, obviously, I really like this one. Zeljko Joksimovic, the writer of Oro, took part once in Eurovision (runner up in 2004 with Lane Moje), he wrote the Bosnian entry in 2006 (third place for Hari Mata Hari) and this year he’s one of the presenters of the show. In short, he’s the new Johnny Logan, a contemporary Mr Eurovision. Oro is in the same style as his previous Eurovision entries, but since I liked all of those, I don’t mind. I looked for a translation of the lyrics to find out what she’s singing about, but the lyrics might as well still be in Serbian… : “My wheat, do not sleep, kiss him, put me to sleep/ Do not break my ice, it lacks water/ Do not put salt on my wound, there are no tears” Erm. Yes. Well, whatever the lyrics, it’s obvious that once again this is Tragedy with a capital T.
And what better way to end this godforsaken Eurovision preview?

So that were all 43 participating countries.
Rehearsals are well underway in Belgrade and so far there's been a minor Russia/Greece incident (they both use too many props for the one stagedoor), Dima Bilan re-grew his mullet, Isis Gee's teeth are scarier than they appeared in the video, Ireland's turkey admitted to liking both cocks and hens (whatever gets him the votes), Belgium sucks and is the frontrunner for the infamous Barbara Dex award (the award for the worst dress... well, at least then we'll win something), Iceland and Sweden battle it out over the botox, there's a lot of pyro (pyrotechnics are this year's wind machines) and Finland is performing shirtless.
As to who will win, no-one knows, though Russia, the Ukraine and Croatia are hot favourites.
All will be revealed next Tuesday, Thursday and -finally- Saturday.

Coming up: tips for your very own Eurovision party.

The UK sent some real horrors in recent years. Who could forget their first ever null points in 2003 (and really, get over it, do you know how many times Belgium got null points? And it was more than deserved). Jemini had problems with their earphones (that’s the story anyway). Result: no points. Surprising? No. The song was a decent-enough trashy dance song, but the vocals were horrid. They also tried with Daz Sampson, some kind of rap thing about school (urgh) and last year they sent Scooch: calculated camp, innuendos (four fifths of Europe didn’t get it, but still), flight attendant uniforms, European flags, the lot. I quite liked it, but when you’re on after Verka Serduchka, you really don’t stand a chance.
This year they’re going with Andy Abraham who’s singing Even If. It’s funky, it’s decent, it’s quite catchy, there are actual instruments on stage and Andy shakes his ass like there’s no tomorrow. The UK deserve a good place with this, but this song will probably be too “normal” to stick in the mind. If you’ve got the time (or the inclination) have a look at Michelle Gayle, runner up of the national selection in the UK: she brings a 50s kinda Birdie Dance. Just imagine her backing singers and the turkey from Ireland… what a team.

Speaking of that turkey, I just heard he brought his own wind machine to Eurovision. Eurovision needs more wind machines, it's a fact.

Eurovision is the time where Germany proves that they do have a sense of humour (you heard it here first, folks). Back in 1979 they sent the incredible “Dschinghis Khan” with the song of the same name. A memorable performance. In 1998 they sent the magnificent Guildo Horn and his band “die Orthopädischen Strümpfe” (the orthopaedic stockings) with “Guildo hat euch lieb” (Guildo loves you), a man for whom the stage was one big jungle gym. Then there was Stefan Raab in 2000 with Wadde Hadde Dudde Da. And Lou who sang “let’s get happy and let’s be gay” in a very heavy German accent in 2003 and came 11th. (She claimed “let’s be gay” was not an intentional attempt to grab the gay vote. Right. Sure.) Unfortunately Germany seems a bit devoid of fun this year. With No Angels and the song Disappear they’re sending a completely unmemorable thing. We’ve got Big Hair Angel, Shabby Angel, Barbie Angel and Posh Angel trying to be sexy and making an attempt at flag-waving with parts of their outfit. They get points for that, but I fear it’s going to be Bottom Four for this one. One of the comments on Youtube was quite fitting: “with a song like this we’ll only get points from Austria and Switzerland”.
Oh, you bloc-voters, you.

Wah! Look at that, Jesus is taking part in Eurovision!! Quick, check his hands and feet for stigmata, to see if he’s the real deal. La douce France is entering Eurovision with a bit of a riot on their hands. Sebastien Tellier's song (Divine) is… not in French. Probably the first year ever that a Eurovision song for France is not in French . France’s entry from last year (Les Fatals Picards ) could hardly be considered completely French either, but they sang in a kind of Franglais (“je cours, je cours, I’ve lost l’amour et without you, seul à Paris…”) and wore pink ties designed by Gaultier, so at least that was something . Those poor French! This year, half the contest starts singing in a foreign language but instead of French, they’re all picking Italian, and then their own representative claims he can’t sing about love in French, so he has to choose English. Apparently though, he has given in to the frazzled nerves of the French nation and agreed to sing parts of it in French. We’ll see. A friend of mine came up with the idea to have the English lyrics simultaneously translated on the backdrop during his performance. The French politicians will be happy and the rest of Europe gets a free French lesson, thus promoting the French language yet again. Not that the lyrics make much sense, but hey. You can’t have everything.
This song is unlike any other song in Eurovision, it' s some kind of electro-y, disco-y, retro-y... er... listen, I don't know what it is, let's just say it's something good, I do love it, but –alas- I doubt it’ll do much of anything vote-wise.

Coming up: Spain and Serbia.

Cyprus sends Evdokia Kadi with Femme Fatale, a song in Greek about … well, about a femme fatale probably. There’s no way to know for sure because I don’t speak Greek, they could be singing their shopping list. It does sound quite sexy though. The Cypriots have something with French titles it seems after they sent Evridiki last year with “comme ci comme ça”. Now allow me to rant for a second about how Evridiki should’ve made it to the final. She should have, it wasn’t fair, I tell you, it wasn’t fair. And you know what, this song should make it to the final as well. I think it’s funny, it’s original, there’s a woman being adored by a bunch of –probably- gay men on their knees, there’s a clothes change and who knows, there might even be a fire/desire rhyme… only in Greek.

FYR Macedonia has always qualified from the Semi-Final and that’s not always on merit, sometimes it was (Tose Proeski –ESC 2004), sometimes it just boggled the mind (Mojot Svet -ESC 2007). They’re one of the countries that could send a farting sheep and still make the top ten. This year –despite the absence of a farting sheep (I didn’t say it was a necessity, did I)- they should do so again even though they send a “genre” (Eurovisioned pop-rap) that doesn’t usually do well at Eurovision. Tamara, Vrčak & Adrijan sing Let me love you, a song about love or sex depending on which gender is talking. But at least they’re enthusiastic about it. The whole thing looks rather messy (they’re too cool not to be messy), the “rappers” seem to forget their whole macho act once they start dancing (which is nice) and there’s a lone backing singer who apparently failed at dance class because he just stands behind the microphone looking lost. Or perhaps he’s too cool to be all choreograph-y and stuff. That’ll be it. I just hope these guys don’t do too well, because I’m not in the mood for 43 R&B/rap songs in next year’s contest. I think I’d even prefer 43 turkeys.

Portugal ends our second semi final. They're sending Vânia Fernandes with Senhora Do Mar (Negras Águas) . A catchy title if ever I heard one. It means “lady by the sea” which makes sense once you start thinking about it. This is Bombastic Ballad number 250 and it’s another beauty. You can tell from the music and Vania’s facial expressions that this is Tragedy with a capital T. She’s miserable and it’s probably something to do with a guy. Fantastic! Portugal generally does bad at Eurovision but that’s mainly because they’ve hardly ever sent anything decent. Two recent examples? Amar (2005) and Coisas de nada (2006). For some reason there’s not a decent video clip to be found of this song, so it loses some of its power in the bad sound, but hey… if she can pull off the high notes live, she deserves a place in the final.

And that’s it for the second semi-final.
Of these 19 songs 10 will qualify to join the top 10 from the other semi and the 5 automatic qualifiers in the Grand Final. From those 25 songs the winner will be chosen. It’ll either be a Bombastic Ballad, a turkey, a political conspiracy vote or a trashy dance song -probably something to do with the devil-. I can’t wait.
Still to come: Spain, the UK, Germany, France and Serbia. Well, and the actual shows of course.

Ha. But at least Belgium's got a circus tent dress! In your face, Dima!

Ha. But at least Belgium's got a circus tent dress! In your face, Dima!

But on with the previews, because otherwise we'll never get this damned thing finished and the first Semi is just over a week from now.

We move away from Bulgaria's (fantastic) trashy beats to an annoyingly “decent” song from Denmark. What is it with “decent songs” and their invasion of Eurovision? Why? Simon Mathews’ All Night Long (and I can’t help but sing Lionel Richie’s song over this title) reminds me of Denmarks last decent result: “I’m talking to you” by Jakob Sveistrop in 2005. From last year’s pink feathered drama queen to this, variety is a keyword in Eurovision. The problem with this is, it’s a good song. It’s a happy song, it’s sung well, the guy has charisma, he’s got self-confidence, he’s suave, nice to look at… but it doesn’t do anything for me at all. It just bores me. Still, I’m sure Simon won’t be upset that little old me doesn’t like him, knowing how my favourites usually fare at Eurovision (*cough* Bulgaria *cough*), he’s better off with me not liking him, and I’m pretty sure he’ll do well. I wonder if he’ll be bringing the band (with the actual instruments –urgh-) on stage with him, or if he’ll go for the feathered girls from his promo video (yep, Lineout taught me to watch promo videos).

Georgia’s Diana Gurtskaya goes for the age-old Eurovision classic: songs about peace (see Ein Bisschen Frieden back in 1982) She sings “Peace will come” in an effort to reassure us that things will be alright and give us hope in these troubled times. Now I know I’m a horrid person, and I’m probably hallucinating (reviewing all these songs will do that to you) but on my ipod her chorus sounds suspiciously much like “Piss will come” which –since I’m a 10-year-old at heart- amuses me to no end. Eurovision accents are the best! (… Yeah, give me a boll of yarn and I’m quiet for hours, no trouble at all.) Last year’s Georgian entry (their debut: Sopho – Visionary dream) was quite great (a lady in a red dress surrounded by sword-fighters), but this year… Urgh. I’m too cynical to believe in songs about peace. The performance of this song however –the complete ridiculousness of it- makes up for a lot. “What can we do to prevent a song about peace from turning into a bathroom-break? Oh! I know! Choreograph it to death! We’ll turn Diana from a devil into an angel (do all choreographers go to the same costume shop or something? Or did they all copy one guy who’s now extremely pissed off?) and we’ll camouflage it all with a gigantic bed-sheet. Fantastic!”
Looks like this year’s Eurovision theme is devils and angels then.

Csézy represents Hungary with the song Candlelight. The Eurovision bio calls Csézy a “young, beautiful and exquisitely talented singer” and her song “another beautiful, heartbreaking ballad”, the backing singers meanwhile are “superb background vocalists”. Seriously, who the hell writes these things? They’re a fan, that’s for sure. And seeing as this is a girl with smoky eyes singing a bombastic –ahem, heartbreaking- ballad, so am I.

Up next: Malta and Cyprus.

Representing Croatia is Kraljevi Ulice & 75 Cents with the song Romanca. First off, why 75 cents? Why? What on earth does it mean? And who is 75 cents? The man with the hat? The older guy who mutters things from time to time? The change in their pockets? I doubt we’ll get the answer anytime soon, but my autistic nature has a hard time dealing with this. Anyway, let’s move over to the song. I love this, I don’t know why. Granted, I’m usually a big fan of Croatia. Croatia could send a dressed up dog to Eurovision and I’d probably still vote for them. I loved Danijella (Neka Me Ne Svane - ESC 1998) and Doris Dragovic (Marija Magdalena - ESC 1999) and every Eurovision review I’ll ever write will at some point feature the name Claudia Beni (ESC 2003). I also have a soft spot for songs with a tango-y, gypsy feeling, though that doesn’t always do well at Eurovision, see Jari “Cockring” Silanpaa (Finland ESC 2004) or Ivan & Delfin (Poland ESC 2005). For whatever reason, be it the gypsies, the tango or the old folks, I’m completely, totally and utterly charmed by this song, though I have to admit that -having just listened to the song- already I can’t really remember what it sounded like.

And from one end of the spectrum (real instruments and street musicians) we go to another: Bulgaria sends Deep Zone and Balthazar (again: which is which?) with “DJ, take me away”. Woohoo! It sounds like we’re back in the nineties! Seeing as this is Eurovision, that means we’re still a decade or so ahead of the rest of the contest… The lyrics are as varied as they are thought provoking (“when the lights go down, I need you, DJ please take me away”) and this song reminds me of the trashy stuff I used to listen to when I was in high school (Sash – Encore une fois, 2 Fabiola, etc). Obviously, I love it.

Next up: Denmark, Georgia and Hungary.

Right, now that’s over and done with: For Switzerland, Paolo Meneguzzi sings Era Stupendo. When Switzerland does well in Eurovison, it’s usually because they’re sending someone who’s not actually Swiss. The most famous example of this is Celine Dion who won in 1988 with “Ne partez pas sans moi (laissez moi vous suuuuuuiiiiiiivre)”. In 2005 they got another rare decent result when they sent an Estonian girlband singing about their friendship with a caged tiger (Vanilla Ninja – Cool vibes). Sending people from other (preferably European) nationalities is one of the many desperate vote-grabbing measures that exist in Eurovision. In 2006 Switzerland outdid themselves by sending Six4One, six singers from six different nationalities with the nausea-inducing song “If we all give a little”. The title alone says it all, doesn’t it.
The Swiss have not had much luck in recent Eurovision years, mainly because they’ve been sending utter crap. How else can we describe Six4One, or the unintentionally hilarious “Piero and the Musicstars” (how’s that for a band name!) with the amazing “Celebrate”. Wait for the moment where the Musicstars keep chanting “celebrate, let’s celebrate” while they’re out of breath. Oh, and let’s not forget DJ Bobo! Worldfamous in er… Europe (or just Switzerland and the Benelux?) who threw a tantrum when he didn’t qualify from the semi-final with “Vampires are alive” last year. I’m sure many a vampire was disappointed.
Era Stupendo is the third ballad in a row, so one of these will probably cancel the others out. This year Switzerland chose a singer from San Remo who will charm the ladies and men. Just look at that earnest face. The funny thing is that at one point a totally unrelated powerdance class seems to start behind Paolo, but he –ever the professional - doesn’t mind, he just keeps singing. I wonder if the choreographer just re-used parts of DJ Bobo’s Vampires dance. It does look that way.

Czech Republic sends a girl named Tereza Kerndlova with the song “have some fun”. Oh I detest songtitles that immediately tell me what to do. No, I will not have fun, unless I very well *want* to, ok, Tereza? As you can tell my hackles were raised before poor Tereza could start singing and I can’t say I reviewed my opinion once she did. Ugh. This girl looks good, as do her backing dancers (her backing singers look good as well, but they’ve been camouflaged in black, like all backing singers), but their outfits come straight from Sluts-R-us. I think it’s the same shop Poland’s representatives from last year (the Jet Set, a bunch of 16-year-olds dancing in a cage, shouting “let’s party, you’ve got the right to party”. Oh, I’ll party, just not with you) went to. And don’t get me started on the quality of the song, let alone the singing. I hope she took some singing lessons, if not… well, if not this could become pretty damned funny.

Representing Belarus is Ruslan Alenho with Hasta La Vista. Ukraine debuted in Eurovision with that very same title back in 2003. Their act consisted of a rocket, a couple of ballerinas and mock rock-opera. If that isn’t promising, I don’t know what is. I don’t know why this seems to be such a common song title, Terminator must be pretty hot over in Belarus/Ukraine. Belarus has only been taking part in Eurovision since 2004 with the hilarious “My Galileo”. The fun lay mostly in trying to figure out what they were singing about (I actually quite liked it), the year after they sent the high camp (Baroque gay boys) of Angelica Agurbash and last year they sent a Princess Diana lookalike with a Bond-esque song. This year it’s the perfect son-in-law singing a run of the mill song about a girl. The “live” videos I found all show him on his own standing on the stage. Er.. if that’s the performance they’ll be doing in Belgrade it’s not going to do much, he really doesn’t have the charisma to just stand there, sway a little and get votes. His official video however, was a better idea, because there we see Ruslan in the middle of an orgy/bal masqué practically having to fight off gorgeous women (why, did someone spike their drinks?). Bring the girls to Eurovision, Ruslan.

Next time:Latvia, Croatia and Bulgaria

Now with a title like “Nomads in the night” (for some reason I can’t help but hum “strangers in the night, doo doo doo doo”) you’re pretty sure you won’t be heading for a happy go-lucky clap along kinda thing, aren’t you. Lithuania sends Jeronimas Milus and good god, look at those lyrics: “This hollow day, like day before I walk through thousand smiles
And try to find the look that heals all wounds inside/ But still I’m here at the world’s edge falling like stone to you/ Shining so high, alone – like me”. Er. Yes. Lyrics like these are of course part of the charm of Eurovision, and -let's face it- half the contestants singing in English haven’t got a clue what exactly they’re singing about. Anyway, Nomads in the night is –as expected- a bombastic piece of music sung by a guy who seems to have taken wardrobe tips from a vampire.Vampires were last year’s theme, Lithuania. Still, the guy can sing and this is one of those songs which will divide fans: those who think it’s a decent well-sung moving song, and those who think it’s a piece of utter drivel. Take your pick.

Albania brings us the second bombastic ballad in a row. I love my bombastic ballads, but two in a row is a bit much even for me. Olta Boka sings Zemrën E Lamë Peng, which apparently means “we gambled our hearts”. She’s singing in Albanian which is a pity in a way, because I still remember Anjeza Shahini in 2004 who convincingly sang “you’re in my ass, you’re in my heart” until –rumour has it- Terry Wogan told her to work on her pronounciation of “eyes”). No such hilarity this year but I think this is a bloody decent song. I do. Long live Olta! If you’re interested in other Albanian entries, I’d advise you to check out Luiz Ejlli with Zjarr e ftohte, for well… the best combination of ethnic and contemporary outfits. And a fez. Or something that looks like it.

Up next: Switzerland, Czech Republic and Belarus.