(With apologies to Brian Geoghagan.)

Below are the songs I want to hear after the votes are tallied and the election is decided.

If McCain wins, I will be too distraught to play music and will be busy rioting until further notice. But, just for kicks, let’s say I can bear to listen to organized sound under such depressing conditions. These are the tunes I will force into my headspace:

“Impeach the President” by the Honeydrippers [Obvious, innit?]
“Atmosphere” by Joy Division [Strikes the perfect somber tone for an unfathomable tragedy.]
“Tears of a Clown” by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles [Also known as the greatest song ever, this never fails to raise my spirits, even under the most trying circumstances.]
“The Coldest Days of My Life” by the Chi-Lites [See “Atmosphere” above, but with added soul for solace.]
“Beat Connection” by LCD Soundsystem [Mainly for the line, “It’s the saddest night out in the USA”—plus it boasts a damned uplifting rhythm.]
(Note: The playing of the Rolling Stones’ “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” should be verboten. Thank you.)

If Obama wins, I will kick out these righteous jams:

“Move on Up” by Curtis Mayfield [Should’ve been Barack’s theme song all campaign; perfectly captures the elation of a just cause being realized.]
“Revolution Generation” by Public Enemy [It’s gonna take a revolution to undo Rove/Cheney/Bush’s reign of error. PE’s 20-year-old anthem is the potent motivator to help us get the job done. The Beatles’ “Revolution #1” could also aid us lefties, but its power’s been diminished by radio overplay and annoying Baby Boomer residue.]
“Don’t Call Me Nigger, Whitey” by Sly & the Family Stone [Message to the two-digit-IQ racists, who will be hella angry if the “Arab Muslim homosexual terrorist” wins.]
“One Nation Under a Groove” by Funkadelic [It is imperative that Americans unite and get on the good foot from the get-go. This is the song to provoke said unified movement.]
“Vision Creation Newsun” by Boredoms [From our allies in Japan, this piece signifies an awesome rebirth through rhythm and sound. It’s an irrepressible positive force.]

What tracks will you be spinning, my fellow Americans?

Anti-McCain: The Honeydrippers’ “Impeach the President”

Boredoms’ “Vision Creation Newsun”