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Monday, August 16, 2010
Housekeeping Inside the Burning Man VIP Wedding
Posted by Paul Constant on Mon, Aug 16, 2010 at 2:51 PM
- Click to Engorge
Asking for money instead of gifts so you can fund your honeymoon AND your fucking trip to Burning Man? It's tacky and obnoxious, but I'll let it slide. But charging for food, booze, and "carnival games"? Encouraging people to bring a guest... as long as the guest pays 20 bucks into a "wedding gift box" at the door?! The note encouraging photographer-friends to work for free and send you digital files was a nice touch. But this part's REALLY special: I found out that some people got a "ticket" with their invitation, entitling them to a wristband and a VIP area with free food. You have been going to shitty festivals for too long and you are confused.
After that was published, the bride wrote to The Stranger to invite us to come to the wedding and write about it:
I would like to invite you to report on the performances and djs that are working for us that night. This event is a way to bring burning man and the likes to our family and friends who will never get the chance to go and experience the place where we fell in love.I’m having a hard time focusing write now on writing this letter considering it is less then three weeks to my wedding and I just read the article. I am NOT a bridezilla nor is my groom.
The wedding happened this weekend, in a hangar at Magnuson Park, but the VIP room was canceled. While waiting in line for a bottle of water, I snapped a photo of the drink menu (that photo above) and overheard the bartender telling a guest that all the tips went to the bride and groom. (The water, thankfully, was free.) The carnival games were a ring toss, a bean-bag toss, and a high striker, but not many people were playing them because you had to buy a ticket ($1). Dinner was hot dogs from Po Dogs—$2.50 each (which, to be fair, is more than 50% off Po Dog's regular prices). The room where the VIP room was going to be became a "chill-out lounge," with some free Ruffles chips and baby carrots and the like.
A juggler came out and flirted with all the pretty ladies in attendance while doing a fairly standard juggling act. A DJ played some songs (including "Home" three times in one hour). People (somewhere over a hundred attendees) milled around in the enormous warehouse space. A contortionist, a fire performance, an aerialist, burlesque, and another fire performance were scheduled, but we left soon after the juggler finished his schtick.
Weddings are full of awkward events and mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes include booking a space that is way too large so that your party is engulfed in a massive empty room, or making some weird decisions regarding money. But as mean as people say The Stranger is, and as outraged as commenters were at the I, Anonymous and the bride's letter, we're not just going to shit all over someone's wedding. Though I will say that the I, Anonymous writer was onto something: If you can't afford to throw a big fancy party, you should throw a sincere, small-scale party in your backyard. If a juggler started juggling in your backyard, it would be hilarious, even if it was just standard juggling, and if the Po Dogs were replaced by a grill full of slightly burned weiners because Uncle Frank got a little too drunk and stopped paying attention to his unofficial duties as grillmaster, it probably would've been the party of the century. But it wasn't. It was a wedding that featured quite a few unfortunate choices in the planning stages (but whose wedding doesn't?) and it happened and it's over. We wish the couple the best.
The ceremony itself was lovely and sweet. The bride looked gorgeous and the bride's dad wore an enormous cowboy hat.
2
Sigh. I guess I can see why Kelly O would go to that Juggalo whosiwhatsis instead of the wedding of the century, but please tell me you at least took baconcat?
3
So, explain to me why a $43 bottle of Patron (class H price), which contains 16 standard 1.5-ounce shots (rounded down), costs $9 a drink? That's $135. A $24 bottle of Maker's Mark (class H price) costs $7, or $114? I understand there's overhead and markup and whatnot, but FOUR AND A HALF TIMES?
7
Your restraint is commendable, Paul. Boring, but commendable.
Congrats to the happy couple, despite the bride's unfortunate spelling. Usually I wish execution on people who make such egregious mistakes, so consider that my wedding gift to the couple.
My wedding? 55 bucks, including rings and bus fare. Because that was what we could afford.
Congrats to the happy couple, despite the bride's unfortunate spelling. Usually I wish execution on people who make such egregious mistakes, so consider that my wedding gift to the couple.
My wedding? 55 bucks, including rings and bus fare. Because that was what we could afford.
8
My wife and I recently got married. We took the "make everyone fly to Vegas" option, which greatly limited the guest list. But the point is, we got married; the marriage is what's important, not the wedding. If you go in thinking the wedding is going to be the bright, happy day that makes your life have meaning, you're going to be disappointed.
If you go in thinking you're going to get your friends shitfaced in Vegas, however, there's only one way you walk out unhappy, and that's if the wedding doesn't happen at all. :)
And Fnarf, having been to bar in the last decade, sadly that markup doesn't surprise me in the slightest. $7 for a rum and coke with shitty rum seems to be almost standard, and is why I drink at home.
If you go in thinking you're going to get your friends shitfaced in Vegas, however, there's only one way you walk out unhappy, and that's if the wedding doesn't happen at all. :)
And Fnarf, having been to bar in the last decade, sadly that markup doesn't surprise me in the slightest. $7 for a rum and coke with shitty rum seems to be almost standard, and is why I drink at home.
9
anticlimactic hardly describes this...I've been holding my breath in anticiption for three weeks! As disappointed as I am, I do have to give Paul and The Strange cred for not doing the obvious. But, perhaps while the couple is at burning man, and not checking Slog, we can have a real review?
10
@6 Yah, but bars are businesses. You shouldn't be trying to PROFIT FROM YOUR WEDDING. Break even - sure. Profit, which is what it sounds like they were attempting based on all of the evidence, is gross. It would be funny to joke about trying to profit off of your wedding, but these are your friends and family, you don't actually TRY.
11
Drink prices at a wedding shouldn't be comparable to bar prices. EVER. If they are you need to find a sharpie, grab your guest list, and give it some stripes.
12
......and they send Paul Constant??? Way to drop the ball, Stranger. You get me all invested in this story, then ___________? Boo.
13
One horrible planning mistake after another committed by a clearly out-of-control bride who was far enough up her own ass to invite y'all and you take the high road in your review? No wonder this isn't on SLOG.
14
Ahh, Paul, you're playing the Good Manners card, which is very gracious of you. Sounds as if the ultimate punishment was dealt by fate: the wedding was boring and silly in spite of the happy couple tossing aside THEIR manners in order to have a spectacle. Allow me to join in the general wishes for an enduringly happy union, and a happy time at this year's festival.
17
The cocktails were probably served by a catering company of some sort that has their own standard pricing for events. The caterer makes their money on the booze sales and as the bartender noted, only the tips went to the bride & groom.
18
the real disappointment here isn't paul's gracious and even-handed reporting, rather the lack of a VIP lounge / class divide. charging for drinks and food may be tacky, but it's hardly worth a write up in the stranger.
19
@3 You must not get out much, as those are on the average-to-slightly-cheap side for Patron and Maker's. Considering that all the bartenders' tips were going to the bride and groom, I'm surprised the prices weren't a dollar or two higher.
20
Maybe the bride finally pulled her head far enough out of her ass to see it was stupid and thus canceled the VIP room.
Or perhaps her prospective shakedown attendees declined to go en masse.
Who knows. Either way, for a straight couple, spend $45 on a courthouse special or $50,000 on a debacle and you're just as married as anybody else. Welcome to the married taxbracket!
Or perhaps her prospective shakedown attendees declined to go en masse.
Who knows. Either way, for a straight couple, spend $45 on a courthouse special or $50,000 on a debacle and you're just as married as anybody else. Welcome to the married taxbracket!
21
@17.. but see.. i know TONS of burners who are licensed bartenders.. the ones i know throw plenty of parties, purchase their own booze, mix the drinks themselves, charge less and still manage to make enough money to get to the burn and back with booze leftover.
22
Congrats to the happy couple. And don't worry..I'm sure that the 50% statistical chance you will end up before a judge for a divorce decree is nothing to worry about.
Karma's a bitch.
Karma's a bitch.
23
I was so excited for this report. I feel so let down by it now.
Paul Constant, I'm so sorry you had to go to a lame wedding for work.
Paul Constant, I'm so sorry you had to go to a lame wedding for work.
24
Besides the by-the-numbers reporting & the gracious, diplomatic write-up, here are some questions PC could have investigated & made this the most awesomest article in the history of the Stranger--
The guests, are they all burners as well? Were they originally invited to the VIP lounge? Are they happy/sad about missing out on it?
Interviews w/ the performers, are they friends of the b/g? Are they getting paid? If their performance is a wedding gift, was it requested by the b/g or was it volunteered?
How many people got roaring drunk? Did everyone stay the night & have the b/d make them all breakfast the next morning? How many of the guests consider themselves freeloaders? Are they sad that none of the b/g's freeloader friends showed up or did they prefer a smaller, more dedicated crowd? How many of the guests were at the b/g's previous parties & what were they like in comparison to the wedding?
Did people get really shit-faced? Was their any other kind of drug-use evident? Was there anything else about the wedding where a casual passerby would say "Hmm... Looks like Burners," or was it fairly standard, besides the circus performers?
Did you talk to either the B & G? How did they feel about the IA dust-up? What about anyone else who commented on the threads?
Inquiring minds want to know.
The guests, are they all burners as well? Were they originally invited to the VIP lounge? Are they happy/sad about missing out on it?
Interviews w/ the performers, are they friends of the b/g? Are they getting paid? If their performance is a wedding gift, was it requested by the b/g or was it volunteered?
How many people got roaring drunk? Did everyone stay the night & have the b/d make them all breakfast the next morning? How many of the guests consider themselves freeloaders? Are they sad that none of the b/g's freeloader friends showed up or did they prefer a smaller, more dedicated crowd? How many of the guests were at the b/g's previous parties & what were they like in comparison to the wedding?
Did people get really shit-faced? Was their any other kind of drug-use evident? Was there anything else about the wedding where a casual passerby would say "Hmm... Looks like Burners," or was it fairly standard, besides the circus performers?
Did you talk to either the B & G? How did they feel about the IA dust-up? What about anyone else who commented on the threads?
Inquiring minds want to know.
25
The report concisely and tactfully made a very clear point, the only one that needed to be made--that the B&G are self-centered, greedy, P.O.S. douchebags.
The single picture is really the only one that matters--it confirms everything we need to know about the B&G and their objectives.
I applaud your oblique bitch-slap, Mr. Constant.
The single picture is really the only one that matters--it confirms everything we need to know about the B&G and their objectives.
I applaud your oblique bitch-slap, Mr. Constant.
27
Well, it's good that they got to give all their guests the experience of being at Burning Man, the place where they fell in love.
31
I'm impressed by the food prices (where I work), I didn't even know we were catering that event. But yea, little bit of let down on the "tackiness" that could have prevailed, but understandable that you don't want to but the wedding above someone's marriage.
33
I for one don't wish them the best. we are at a time when people who consider themselves outsider weirdos should respect the top outsider weirdos (gayz) and not abuse their sex nerd status that is only accepted to extend the vague respect of gays to straights in need of vague respect for their poly sex nerd lives and they are rude and awful people to enjoy marriage when Schmader and Savage's unions are disrespected. Think about that when you excuse these fucks and hold your legally respected wife close at night.
35
hmpf. Part of me wishes you would have shit all over this white trash wet dream, but another part of me is grateful you didn't. It sounds like the event was bad enough...
36
The only think I'm really disappointed in is that PC and guest (who clearly wasn't baconcat, grrrr) didn't stay for all the entertainment. I mean, I get not wanting to "review" someone's marital vows, but bride did ask the Stranger there specifically to witness the awesomeness of the performances ... and Paul left before the contortionist, the aerialist, the burlesque, the fire performances. I wanted to know how these Burning Man activities were going to go over in front of the friends and family (and if they were any good). I'm especially curious how the burlesque would be received, since I'm assuming there were parents, grandparents, probably some kids there.
Of course, it's not the first time a Stranger reviewer has walked out at intermission, but damn.
Of course, it's not the first time a Stranger reviewer has walked out at intermission, but damn.
38
I declare that wedding a Burning Man Fail. Burning Man has a gift economy, nothing is paid for or even bartered for. My theme camp had a bar that provided FREE drinks to everyone who stopped by, and it is the same at every bar and restaurant on the playa- whatever they are serving is free. FREE.
So way to present Burning Man as a shakedown to your family and friends. Missing the point entirely.
So way to present Burning Man as a shakedown to your family and friends. Missing the point entirely.
39
I would like to add that all of the entertainment is free as well- including any performances, art installations, activities, art projects, games, etc. They are provided by theme camps as a gift to the Burning Man community.
The gift economy is one of the best things about Burning Man. It irritates me to see it so poorly represented.
The gift economy is one of the best things about Burning Man. It irritates me to see it so poorly represented.
40
art institute of seattle will do this to you. better luck on your next marriage. do it soon so's you'll make this shit parade a distant and less embarassing memory.
41
Here is a better review.
Decent ceremony. They said some nice things to say to each other.
The reception was the worst reception I've ever been to. I've been to boring standard receptions more than once, and this was by far, way worse than any of those.
The AIRPLANE hanger was WAY to big for the 100 people that actually showed up. Absolutely nobody was playing the carnival games. The one game anyone used was the HIGH STRIKER which was so fucking loud it startled everyone every time it was used. And then there was the one genius that kept doing it over and over during the father daughter dance. Good job dick.
The performances were standard run of the mill street performers working for change downtown.
Those expensive drinks were all warm.
I'm pretty sure the groom is gay and the bride used to be a lesbian.
Decent ceremony. They said some nice things to say to each other.
The reception was the worst reception I've ever been to. I've been to boring standard receptions more than once, and this was by far, way worse than any of those.
The AIRPLANE hanger was WAY to big for the 100 people that actually showed up. Absolutely nobody was playing the carnival games. The one game anyone used was the HIGH STRIKER which was so fucking loud it startled everyone every time it was used. And then there was the one genius that kept doing it over and over during the father daughter dance. Good job dick.
The performances were standard run of the mill street performers working for change downtown.
Those expensive drinks were all warm.
I'm pretty sure the groom is gay and the bride used to be a lesbian.
42
This is a first for me: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Boo to Paul Constant! Bo-ring! Why even bother? I could have written this "sorry things got out of hand...we are really a good paper" letter two weeks ago.
Boo to Paul Constant! Bo-ring! Why even bother? I could have written this "sorry things got out of hand...we are really a good paper" letter two weeks ago.
43
I don't know Mr Paul's work well enough to judge this review by earlier standards, but considering the hysteria before the event- I will admit to being disappointed.
The review need not to be overly snarky and catty, but still- a "Stranger with a skewer" viewpoint would've been an interesting read. Even some humor, nice or not, would have been welcome. Boring.
The review need not to be overly snarky and catty, but still- a "Stranger with a skewer" viewpoint would've been an interesting read. Even some humor, nice or not, would have been welcome. Boring.
47
What a vile and cheap-sounding wedding. I didn't know Yugo stopped making cars so that they could cater weddings.
48
I was married in 2001 for somewhere between $2,500 and $3,000, all costs (including the license).
-- Mom and I picked out wedding invites from a local print shop, and my dad took the obligatory engagement photo. Of course, we had to buy stamps.
-- Mom was making a dress, but she got sick, so I borrowed a wedding dress from a friend. The bridesmaid's skirts were made in time, and we bought some sweet little thin white sweaters that were on sale at Target for the tops. The cost of the (unused) wedding dress satin and the bridesmaid's satin was the big cost there.
-- My fiancee worked at a plant nursery, and they cut him a massive deal on the wholesale plants, so that took care of flowers. My fiancee made the bouquet.
-- A friend of my fiancee's was going to catering school, so he offered to take care of the rehearsal dinner and reception snacks as our wedding gift.
-- Music? We mixed a cd on my husband's computer.
-- It was held in our local church (no cost), presided over by our bishop (no cost).
-- A friend volunteered to play the piano during the ceremony as our wedding gift.
-- Rented tuxes, discount for bulk rent.
-- I bought some beads from Shipwreck beads and made necklaces for the bridesmaid gifts.
-- Reception tables were decorated with white church tablecloths, centerpieces were colored glass rocks (bought in bulk from Michael's) put in fishbowls (also bought in bulk from Michael's) with a candle poking out.
-- Wedding cake was a gift from a friend of the family.
-- Two photographers, both friends of the family. One of them wanted to use the photos in his portfolio, and requested that as his payment.
My mom became seriously ill soon after my wedding, and died two years later. The only thing I'm ashamed of, looking back, is that I put off writing the Thank You cards for so long that I never finished them. It was something mom and I had planned to do together, and I kept thinking she was going to get better. Then when I realized she really wasn't, a year was up and I was embarrassed that I'd passed the "etiquette mark" for Thank You cards. I should've sent them then, but I was younger and stupid and figured that nobody would mind that much.
Now it's 9 years later, and it's the only think that brings me a flush of shame when I think of my wedding. All those wonderful people pitching in to make it a beautiful, fun day . . . and I never thanked them in writing. Sure, I thanked them plenty verbally. But never in writing.
More...
-- Mom and I picked out wedding invites from a local print shop, and my dad took the obligatory engagement photo. Of course, we had to buy stamps.
-- Mom was making a dress, but she got sick, so I borrowed a wedding dress from a friend. The bridesmaid's skirts were made in time, and we bought some sweet little thin white sweaters that were on sale at Target for the tops. The cost of the (unused) wedding dress satin and the bridesmaid's satin was the big cost there.
-- My fiancee worked at a plant nursery, and they cut him a massive deal on the wholesale plants, so that took care of flowers. My fiancee made the bouquet.
-- A friend of my fiancee's was going to catering school, so he offered to take care of the rehearsal dinner and reception snacks as our wedding gift.
-- Music? We mixed a cd on my husband's computer.
-- It was held in our local church (no cost), presided over by our bishop (no cost).
-- A friend volunteered to play the piano during the ceremony as our wedding gift.
-- Rented tuxes, discount for bulk rent.
-- I bought some beads from Shipwreck beads and made necklaces for the bridesmaid gifts.
-- Reception tables were decorated with white church tablecloths, centerpieces were colored glass rocks (bought in bulk from Michael's) put in fishbowls (also bought in bulk from Michael's) with a candle poking out.
-- Wedding cake was a gift from a friend of the family.
-- Two photographers, both friends of the family. One of them wanted to use the photos in his portfolio, and requested that as his payment.
My mom became seriously ill soon after my wedding, and died two years later. The only thing I'm ashamed of, looking back, is that I put off writing the Thank You cards for so long that I never finished them. It was something mom and I had planned to do together, and I kept thinking she was going to get better. Then when I realized she really wasn't, a year was up and I was embarrassed that I'd passed the "etiquette mark" for Thank You cards. I should've sent them then, but I was younger and stupid and figured that nobody would mind that much.
Now it's 9 years later, and it's the only think that brings me a flush of shame when I think of my wedding. All those wonderful people pitching in to make it a beautiful, fun day . . . and I never thanked them in writing. Sure, I thanked them plenty verbally. But never in writing.
49
Lana guess what? YOUR SPECIAL DAY is over and nobody gives a crap. We don't want to talk about your wedding. This article isn't about your wedding. I HATE it when people start talking about their wedding just because someone in the room said the word "wedding", don't you? (Sorry about your mom. Seriously.)
OK. So my friend headed over to the crappy "Burner" party (the one this article is actually about) around 11PM. Nobody was there, except some people tearing down. HAHAHAHAA. A good wedding is one where you have to take all the leftover booze and the sound system and go down the street to a friends house and have an afterparty because everyone is having such a good time that nobody wants to leave.
OK. So my friend headed over to the crappy "Burner" party (the one this article is actually about) around 11PM. Nobody was there, except some people tearing down. HAHAHAHAA. A good wedding is one where you have to take all the leftover booze and the sound system and go down the street to a friends house and have an afterparty because everyone is having such a good time that nobody wants to leave.
50
Waaaiiitasecond..... they had this huge spectacle of a wedding that was supposed to be an alternative to all those "shitty" standard issue weddings and they STILL had crap like the father daughter dance et al? Bridesmaid speeches? All the other "shitty, boring" accoutrements of the Standard Issue American Wedding?
51
Good for you, Lana. But you don't get kudos for saving money by making your caterer/photog/musical friends WORK for you on Your Special Day instead of sitting back and enjoying the party.
53
This is the kind of writing that I often see when something is unspeakably crappy, awkward and uncomfortable. The review indicates that there isn't much more that can be said about it without going to that really awful place. I think Paul and Guest had too much of a cringe moment, had to leave early to avoid getting depressed, and decided to it would be best to write a fairly tame review. The pity just drips off these words. My condolences to all involved.
That said, we were set up to expect some bad wedding porn - and I feel seriously let down. It would be great to hear more from the guests that went - if they are willing to go to that really awful place.
That said, we were set up to expect some bad wedding porn - and I feel seriously let down. It would be great to hear more from the guests that went - if they are willing to go to that really awful place.
54
Next time you're assigned to review an event that purports to be spectacular, Mr. Constant, please use your whole ass and not just half of it.
This review will be referenced in my dictionary to illustrate the word "anticlimactic".
This review will be referenced in my dictionary to illustrate the word "anticlimactic".
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