2010 EMERALD CITY HAUNTED HOUSE WRAP UP: Off the bat, I’ll have to admit that I haven’t been to a haunted house in seven years or so. Now I happen to be living with people who love to do seasonal things. Tonight we carved pumpkins & ate the seeds, and in the last week we went to two haunted houses. First, we went to the KUBE 93 FM HAUNTED HOUSE. Hot tip: if you go to a local Taco Bell (not Taco Time) you can get a coupon that makes this haunted house cost $13. I can assure you that this haunted house is worth $13. There is a trailer shack that sells concessions outside that features a picture of a woman who peed in her pants from the fright that she encountered at a past KUBE 93 FM HAUNTED HOUSE. The hot chocolate is mostly a Hershey’s Miniature melted into a cup of boiled water, so skip it. THE BEST PART of this haunted house was the 1987 "Touch Of Grey" revolving psychedelic tube that makes you feel like you’re falling over. I could have stayed in that thing forever, but there were some stocky teens in Rocawear bringing up the rear.

The other haunted house that we went to was the STOCKER FARM FIELD OF SCREAMS. It’s not a house at all, but a haunted corn maze. Everybody made all of the proper jokes (maize maze, it was “amazing”, etc.) and it cost $15. You could pay an extra $5 to skip to the head of the line. Somebody in our group decided they had a problem with classism (Evergreen 2002 graduate) so we decided to tough it out and skip the $5 line jumper fee. Man, that line was long and that air was COLD. THE BEST PART of this haunted corn maze was the 1987 "Touch Of Grey" revolving psychedelic tube that makes you feel like you’re falling over. I was last in our group of nine, so everything scary happened 15 feet in front of me. If you go to this haunted maize maze, break up your crew into groups of three because the people in the front of our group were terrified on a regular basis. Both events ended with the typical lunatic with a chainsaw, though I only say typical now because both times I was absolutely scared of a person running behind me with a whirring wood chopper.

• Stocky (threatening) teen in Rocawear.

It’s becoming obvious to me that the Funhouse is the best place to see live music in Drizzleville. I saw Partman Parthorse last week and they were totally awesome. The best part is singer Gary Smith’s 1986 Sexual Henry Rollins vibe. He saunters the stage wearing only black sports shorts singing and talking mostly about “doing it.” It’s not the same thing that the Pink Fairies were singing about, I’m referring to intercourse of the sexual nature.

• Sexual quote courtesy of Henry Miller.

Rachel Ratner plays bass in Partman Parthorse and also plays guitar in BUTTS who I saw a week later. BUTTS is perfect for people who want to get in and out because their sets are usually 15 minutes tops. They even spend a lot of their time talking about how short their set is and let you know a few songs before it’s going to end that it’s going to end soon. It’s a good show to see if you have other things to do, man I love efficiency! Shannon Perry is the drummer of BUTTS and she makes THE BEST watercolor portrait paintings. I’ve been listening to the BUTTS cassette in my car over and over again and now they have a new cassette called BUTTS 2: Back In The Habit. The show I liked best was Witch Gardens. At one point I felt like I was seeing Kleenex in 1979. The jams were charming, sparse and not naïve. I asked them a bunch of questions, some regarding day jobs and favorite foods to which they replied, “We are all currently unemployed and living extremely comfortably, if not lavishly, off the trust funds of our successful grandparents” & “Coffee, pizza, pie, beef jerky, pumpkin bread, meatloaf, pho, chili mac, King Deli fried chicken, Mt Dew, zucchini, but smoothies most of all.” You can read the rest of said interview here.

• The Witch Gardens are often just joshin'.

I also saw The Vaselines at Neumos who were rather wonderful, mostly because of the music and the pointed banter between Eugene Kelly and Frances McKee. Oh, and the inane conversation between the two women standing near me, which included, “…and I’m just going to fuck him, you know, because, big fucking deal. I’ve fucked nearly everybody that lives in that apartment building anyway”. Also of note: Fergus & Geronimo from Denton, TX have a record called Unlearn coming out on Hardly Art in January and it’s raging.

A THING I HAVE TO KNOW: Why does King County force me to park my car by backing in on city streets? Is it for aesthetics? Are somebody just bossy? KING COUNTY OUT OF MY SUBARU.

I’ve started two business endeavors in the last month that have completely failed. The first is a service that will deliver pho anywhere in the Seattle city limits for $32. That might seem like a lot of money, but I don’t accept tips! Also, I’ve offered to give a drawing of Carol Channing for free to any resident of Seattle, but so far only 46 people have taken me up. This business is full of profit opportunities, invest in it!

• FREE: Drawings Of Carol Channing

Have you ever been to the Highline Vegan Restaurant Heavy Metal Bar? Because I went and it was COLD. Not like “cool” cold, but they had the windows open and it was 60 degrees. The vegan that I went with declared that it was okay to have every window open at that temperature, but also later stated that some people are short because they didn’t eat vegetables when they were children. I talked to the 13 other vegans that I know and found that 85% of them indeed have flawed logic.

Speaking of vegans, Uncle Mike’s BBQ in White Center has really good cornbread. They also have splendid greens. On the other hand, the rib tips were like tiny pieces of bike tire slathered in peppery catsup. Oh and I realized why there are so many pho restaurants in Seattle, it’s because everybody always has a cold.

Last week I stated that I was going invite everybody to a housewarming party at my apartment in Alki Beach. I’m sorry to say that I’ve decided to not keep the apartment and I’m not going to have a party. Before you cry “bait & switch,” I’d like to make this up to you be offering a VHS copy of Out Of Bounds starring Anthony Michael Hall that I bought from Value Village last week. I will send it in the mail to the first commenter that says they’d like it. If you get it and don’t like it, it’s absolutely out of print and currently fetching $4.32 on Amazon.

• I am so sorry that I am not having a party.

If this offer doesn’t suffice, you should come to SEATTLE MEGAFEST #3 which is happening on my birthday at Than Bros on Broadway.

Most of the last four days has been really sad because of the death of Andy Kotowicz, who was in a terrible car accident in Ballard last Thursday. I’d only met him a handful of times but he was one of those dudes who was always warm, friendly and great to talk to. Tragic things that happen this way really remind you take stock in your friends. Sometimes, death can go and fuck itself, y’know? I spent most of Saturday listening to "Te Recuerdo Amanda," by Victor Jara.

Always love your friends & try to rule every single day.