FREE FREE AMANDA KNOX PAINTING: Here is a painting that is for free. To win this 18"x24" painting and have it sent to your home (Anytown, USA), simply leave a really, really good haiku in the comments section. My roommates Ruben & Lacey will pick the one that they like most and that will be the winner. (Tip: they like ZZ Top, dogs, and pizza). They're not getting home from Texas until 9pm tonight, so you have all day to do this. It seems that most of the evidence given against lil' Manders Knox was provided by a drug-dealing homeless man, so there's a really good chance she'll be chompin' crispy burritos at the West Seattle Taco Time in no time.

• Amanda Knox celebrated Christmas playing guitar and eating turkey .

JEEZ LOUISE, THIS TOWN IS DEPRESSING. The weather in this city is the p-i-t-s! I don't think I've ever been so depressed in my life. Everybody told me to take vitamin D and luckily I found a bottle of supplements for teenaged girls in the medicine cabinet. Then I found myself watching the worst possible TV that I could find streaming on NetFlix. This mostly meant Man Vs. Food, American Pickers and unauthorized biographies, the best being a wonderfully boring documentary about a house that George Harrison once slept in. Eventually I settled on the very worst thing to ever come through television, The Secret Life of the American Teenager. As our own Alithea O'Dell put it, "At that point you are scraping the bottom of the barrel of life."

• The secret life of this pregnant television teen involves eating a chicken wing.

HOLY F! Caperin' followers will certainly remember that when I moved here I started a $32 Pho Delivery service. On Saturday night I received my first order via text message. I got really excited but I was confused about how to go about delivering hot food on a rainy & busy Saturday night. Alas, I arrived at the door of the hotel room at nearly the exact minute I had estimated. A woman in a robe answered and I handed her the leaky plastic bag. I felt really bad that I was delivering soup that cost $7.50 for $39.50 so I told her that it would simply be $30. She gave me $40 and insisted that I keep it and I did, even though my $32 Pho Delivery service has a strict policy against tipping.

CAPERIN' EXCLUSIVE - Local Woman Recalls Post-Punk Cuddle Shocker

Months ago, everybody's friend Suzie Strait revealed to me that she'd once spent time on a floor with old-timey Mancunian, Mark E. Smith. Now, I reveal to you the gory details.

Caperin: You once told me that you had a spooning session with the singer for the Fall, Mark E. Smith. When did this happen?
Suzie Strait: I’m notoriously bad with dates and all, but it would have been summer of 2000.

What country were you in?
I was in Edinburgh, Scotland. I lived there for a year from September 1999 to September 2000.

What were the events that led up to the spooning?
Well, my buddy and I decided to hit the town. You know, drink some pints, shoot some dirty pool, be too loud in the streets, goof off, etc. Anyway, I guess we stayed out pretty late and drank a lot of McEwan's 90. Oh! It must have been June. You see, Edinburgh hosts a fringe/international festival during the month of august that causes the population to nearly double. Pubs stay open until 4am, alleyways turn into venues, locals get pissed, and debauchery abounds. Add to this the fact that there are only four or five hours of darkness, and you've got a party on your hands. So my friend and I were enjoying ourselves until the wee hours when we decided to go back to his place to crash. He lived with his girlfriend, whom I had met on occasion and liked, and he offered me the floor for the night. When we got there, he struggled to get his key in the door. After a short while, the door flew open and whoosh! There stood his girlfriend, livid. Apparently he hadn't been home for three or more days, so she was worried and upset. Not one to draw attention to the fact that he's with his lady friend, platonic though it was, I eeked past the door and into the apartment. I saw a scrawny dude sitting on the floor in the corner, so I went to go sit by him. He wasn't very talkative, so I crawled over to the record player, found Let It Be by the Replacements, started to sing along to "I Will Dare", sat back down, and immediately fell asleep.

Can you recall some of the things that Mark E. Smith said?
I don't really think he said anything. I think he grunted.

Did you find him physically appealing?
No. But I wasn't repulsed either. He was just another person crashing on the floor. I had no idea he was Mark E. Smith, either. It was only a few days later when I ran into my friend that he asked me what I thought of Mark E. Smith. "Huh. Really? Wow. Funny." That was all I could say.

Do you remember anything specific about him as a person?
He was little.

Was Mark E. Smith good at spooning?
I don't remember. I woke up the next morning after having fallen asleep and we were spooning. It was all very innocent, really. Since he was little, I wasn't very warm. But, he was a gentleman. His arm was around me, and I survived.

Were you a fan of the Fall at the time?
You know, I had heard some stuff by the Fall and liked a lot of what I heard, but I was not and even today am not that familiar with his vast catalog of tunes.

If the opportunity arose, would you spoon with Mark E. Smith again?
Hmm, I do like spooning. If I was 21, living in Scotland, sleeping on a cold floor, and he was next to me, I would not hesitate to spoon. I think in true light I would be kinda grossed out if I saw him now. Plus, he's a notorious dick.

Do you have any advice to others who might have the opportunity to spoon with Mark E. Smith?
Suzie Strait: Listen to the Replacements!

DATE: Wednesday, January 5th
PLACE: The Funhouse
LINEUP: Detective Agency, Butts, Pony Time, Babies

Matt: Oh God, this place.
Audrey: I think the Funhouse is the best place in Seattle to see shows.
Matt: There's Chlamydia on the merch table.
Audrey: At least they have a free water jug, you like that.
Matt: There's Chlamydia on the basketball.
Audrey: It's not that dirty here.
Matt: I think Carlos Ruiz put this show together.
Audrey: He's a cool guy & a great artist.
Matt: It would be nice if I could actually read the fliers that he makes.
Audrey: What is this first band?
Matt: They're called Detective Agency.
Audrey: Oh no, that drummer looks like that.
Matt: What do you mean?
Audrey: You can just tell she puts a lot of time into that look.
Matt: She's playing standing up!
Audrey: It's because she wants everybody to notice her.
Matt: You have to admit, these songs are pretty good.
Audrey: I will agree, because most of them seem to be covers.
Matt: Who's up next?
Audrey: Butts.
Matt: Again? Didn't they just play someplace else, three hours ago?
Audrey: They should play all of the time, they're funny.
Matt: You don't mind that they're setting feminism back 40 years?
Audrey: What is that supposed to mean?!
Matt: It's the same shtick every time. If they were dudes, somebody would punch their faces.
Audrey: Yeah, but they're funny!
Matt: Not funny "ha ha", funny Gallagher.
Audrey: Who's up next?
Matt: Pony Time.
Audrey: Pony Time for this band to play a short set.
Matt: Huh?
Audrey: Pony Time played at the Pony last week and went on for so long that Tacocat got shut down because it was so late.
Matt: But they're energetic! This is music that we can dance to!
Audrey: Brought to us by a stunning two piece with the girl on drums, naturally.
Matt: Yeah, but the guy is playing a bass this time.
Audrey: A bold new approach, kudos Pony Time.
Matt: Who's up next?
Audrey: The Babies. The girl is in Vivian Girls.
Matt: That's why all of these people are here!
Audrey: One of those guys is in Woods.
Matt: Huh?
Audrey: Woods, it's another band.
Matt: All of these band names have already been used before, I'm sure.
Audrey: It seems like all of this music has been used before, too!
Matt: Yeah, wow, this band is totally boring.
Audrey: I've certainly seen worse.
Matt: But not much worse.
Audrey: I wish we were at home watching videos of that homeless guy with the golden voice on YouTube.
Matt: Me too.

• Dame Darcy drawing from 1994.

It's been two days since the 92nd anniversary of the Great Boston Molasses Tragedy Disaster Flood. If you recall, 2,300,000 gallons of molasses flooded the streets of Boston on that fateful January day, killing 21 and injuring 150. The best thing about this catastrophe is the song that Dame Darcy and the Coctails recorded in a barn in 1994. I wanted to post it here but figured I should ask first, so I found Dame Darcy's email address on the internet and wrote to her at 11pm last night. She replied 20 minutes ago! Things like this just happen sometimes, even to people like us!

Hi Derek. Thanks for asking. Yes, you can post the mp3, that would be fine. Send me the link when it's up. Thanks for the interest in my art. Best Wishes, Dame Darcy

"The Great Molasses Flood of 1919" by Dame Darcy & the Coctails:

HOLY WHOA: I drew the cover of the new La Sera 7" that just came out on Hardly Art. The songs on the single are REALLY GREAT, buy it ASAP.

• Kickball Katy + Me by Tim Cook.

Here, listen to my answering machine messages if you want to. YAY! GO SEAHAWKS!