Oh, drag. Totally no Caperin' last week. When it came time to write it, I found myself in a bed in Columbia, SC cramming Haribo Rattle-Snakes into my mouth listening to GZA's Liquid Swords on repeat. I was visiting the Belle, whose father soon after had a heart attack. I've barely eaten sugar since and I have to admit that not eating sugar is a real treat. I was told tonight that Aspartame, when exposed to a particular temperature, turns into formaldehyde. Regardless, here is what you'll find in South Carolina:

• Could a person believe this actually still exists?

MORE AFTER THE JUMP, CLICK BELOW, DUH.

When I arrived back in drizzle-ville I was initially dismayed to find 17 people staying at the house that I live in, but after meeting them I found myself RATHER HAPPY. The Hardly Art band Fergus & Geronimo are not only particularly likable chaps, but rather clever as well. A batch of Bill Cosby & His White Pudding Pops test pressings arrived that day in the mail and Andrew Savage was busy hand drawing the covers for most of them, of which I snagged the best one. It's an homage to east coast youth crew HC and is totally brilliant:

EXTRA! EXTRA! VIDEO PREMIERE!

While in town, Fergus & Geronimo shot a video for their beyond wonderful song "Girls With English Accents". The video was made by Ruben Mendez & Carlos Lopez and features the band + TacocaT members Emily Nokes & Lelah Maupin, as well as Sarah Sugg, Robb Sieger, Chuy Pancakes & my 48 star American flag. As Swoops says, "I cuff my pants." THIS VIDEO HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE UNTIL NOW, BY YOU:

BEWARE! TOTALLY FAKE SXSW EVENT!

I've received at least 23 emails regarding this event invented by Travis Ritter & Derek Erdman. PLEASE NOTE, IT DOES NOT EXIST:

I am not going to SXSW, that would just be dumb. I have things to do! Like make these Rollie Fingers in Mariners hats paintings.

Last night was the best show of the month, Broomsticks & Witch Gardens at the Wild Rose. Irregardless (isn't a word) of how the show went, everybody was just dying to know, WHICH OF THESE BANDS HAS BIGGER BRAINS? I gave a quiz to both bands which you can read below. I'm not going to provide the answers or decide the winner because I'm really into PMA and I'm not interested in losing friends.

• Witch Gardens thinkin' themselves into a blur.

WHAT IS THE CAPITAL OF MYANMAR, AKA BURMA?

BROOMSTICKS: Georgia?
WITCH GARDENS: Georgia?

WHAT IS THE SQUARE ROOT OF 484?

BROOMSTICKS: 22
WITCH GARDENS: 22

IN WHAT MONTH WAS ACTOR HARRISON FORD BORN?

BROOMSTICKS: April
WITCH GARDENS: May

WHO IS CHRIS EVERT, KNOWN FOR A TIME AS CHRIS EVERT LLOYD?

BROOMSTICKS: Tennis player.
WITCH GARDENS: Diplomat!

IN THE UNITED KINGDOM, THERE IS FOOD CALLED A CHIP BUTTIE. WHAT IS IT?

BROOMSTICKS: French fry sandwich!
WITCH GARDENS: French fry sandwich.

NAME 6 CANADIAN PROVINCES.

BROOMSTICKS: Saskatchewan, Ontario, British Columbia, Nova Scotia, Quebec, Alberta.
WITCH GARDENS: Quebec`, Ontario, Prince Edward Island, Saskatchewan, Alberta, British Columbia.

WHY DOES THE CAGED BIRD SING?

BROOMSTICKS: Ignorance is bliss.
WITCH GARDENS: It has freedom in its heart.

HOW MANY ITEMS MAKE UP THE MEASUREMENT KNOWN AS "A BAKER'S DOZEN"?

BROOMSTICKS: 13!
WITCH GARDENS: 13!

WHAT FLAVORS COME IN A STANDARD PACK OF STARBURSTS FRUIT CHEWS?

BROOMSTICKS: Cherry, strawberry, lemon, orange.
WITCH GARDENS: Strawberry, cherry, lemon, orange.

TODAY IS MARCH 12, HOW MANY DAYS ARE THERE UNTIL CHRISTMAS?

BROOMSTICKS: 288
WITCH GARDENS: 289

WHO HAS THE BIGGEST BRAINS? Dude, you tell me.

• TacocaT(s) find lurve in Cap Hill, retire gracefully.

Are you fleshy? Are you evil? Seriously, don't sweat it:

• Some kind of taste.

HOLY S! FREE CAPERIN' BUTTONS!

Timothy Hutton has been spotted wearing a Caperin' button, and so should you. Here's your chance to receive one for free in the mail! Simply email this PDF or JPG contract to this contact address and receive your button in the mail within 9 business days. PLEASE NOTE: you cannot eat at or wear this button in the Smarty Pants sandwich shack and you may only visit Taco Time once each calendar month. What a small price to pay.

• Supplies = VERY LIMITED.

GAH, LIFE ACHIEVEMENT NOTICE!

Teenbeat record maven & Unrest singer + guitar player Mark Robinson recently wrote on the Internet about my alter ego Rap Master Maurice. I SIMPLY COULD NOT BELIEVE MY EYES. Look!

Okay, I have to go to sleep. I think I just drank 15 Rainer tall boys & I don't even like beer.

OH WAIT, when you are young, it seems that people want to beat you up for liking Morrissey. Later in life, it seems rather okay to like him. How are things, really?