I didn't plan on watching Platinum Hit, Bravo's new songwriting competition show. It's like Top Chef, but people write songs instead of cook food! And it's hosted by Jewel! Zzzzzzzz... But last night my mild curiosity won, and I watched the first 15 minutes of the first episode. It made me want to barf all over myself.

While it was as terrible as the annoying previews made it appear (the cast was predictably split down the middle between the embarrassingly clueless and horrifically egotistical...zzzzzz....), the show featured one especially terrible contestant by the name of Nevin James. Why does Nevin James sing? Direct quote: "I sing for the orphan, I sing for the widow, I sing for people who don't have a voice." WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

Everything Mr. James said made him sound like an idiot college student desperately trying to get into a naive Greenpeace volunteer's pants. Also: He wears a jean jacket WITH THE COLLAR POPPED UP. Again: WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

I watched long enough to hear the songwriters share the "hooks" they wrote for an imaginary song inspired by Los Angeles. One man sang about how it's a city of dreams (ORIGINAL). One woman sang a bit inspired by the eye contact she made with a homeless man earlier that morning (DEEP). Nevin James basically played "Candle in the Wind" and changed the words to be about L.A. (BARF). And that is when I turned off the TV.

If you want to hear Nevin James rip off Elton John 100 different ways, check out his YouTube channel! (You can fight the urge to barf all over yourself, too!)

I vow to never ever watch another minute of Platinum Hit ever again.