"A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed keeping rabbits." - Edith Sitwell

• "In 1936, Safeway introduced a money back guarantee on meat."

Safeway is the absolute worst. Last night at 1:20am I drove to the White Center location to buy three bottles of Freixenet, two boxes of Vinta crackers & some moderately fancy cheese. A third of the store was cordoned off by some yellow caution tape and there were puddles of liquid in random spots behind the tape. The cheese I wanted was on the other side of the tape and I couldn't understand why a grocery store was keeping me away from products. I stepped over the tape (which is no easy feat given my runty stature) and approached the premium cheese island when I was interrupted by a booming voice. "Hey asshole," a person in a Safeway apron shouted. "You can't be back here!" I couldn't believe that person called me an asshole. I couldn't believe I couldn't buy cheese. I pleaded for 20 seconds to get what I wanted, but I was told that the floor was being stripped and the fumes were very dangerous. When I was checking out I told the cashier that the other person had called me an asshole. "Oh, that was probably Alan," the cashier responded. "He's really grumpy."

(MORE AFTER THE CHOP, CHAMP.)

• In the 1960s, QFC ran a memorable animated ad which made use of produce puns, such as "raise our celery".

Shortly after I moved to Seattle, I met a woman named Amy Bell. Amy and I once walked around Green Lake and then went to QFC where she suggested we buy several bags of Bissli snack chips. I told her that Bissli snack chips tasted like salted uncooked pasta. She told me that I was a "boner killer." I was so confused. Women are from Venus!

• A single Fred Meyer store employs anywhere from 50 to 300 employees at any given time.

Last month I was driving to Golden Gardens and stopped at a Fred Meyer along the way to buy a frisbee and food to cook over a fire. Alas, this particular Fred Meyer didn't have food items, only frisbees and clothing. Is Fred Meyer a grocery store? Only sometimes? Does Barnes & Noble sell Triscuits? What is wrong with the world today? The answer in a nutshell: T-E-E-N-A-G-E-R-S.

• "I ask an employee, 'Where is an open check stand?' They replied, 'Oh we only have self check out around this time...' What? It is Sunday night about 8-9pm. Are you freeking kidding me?????" - Chris M. on Yelp regarding the Bitter Lake Albertson's location.

The last time I was at an Albertson's was on a rainy weekday afternoon. I was on my way home from Renton and I was looking for ingredients to make Hollandaise sauce. While I was comparing brands of butter a child appeared out of nowhere screaming at the top of his lungs, "I REALLY HAVE TO GO!" I noticed that he was pinching his private parts through his pants. Just then his mother grabbed his arm and marched him toward the front of the store. In the exact place where he was standing, I noticed a coin in the ground. I went over to pick it up and was delighted to discover that it was a Susan B. Anthony dollar. Just then, an employee passed me pushing a cart of lemons. While snatching a lemon from the cart I asked him where the bathrooms were located. "They're in the back by the meat counter," he replied. That poor private pinching child was really in for it!

• There is a strict "no heroes policy" in effect at Whole Foods, which prohibits store employees from directly interfering with shoplifters. (HINT, HINT)

Almost everybody I know steals from Whole Foods. I'm not a shoplifter, it makes me far too nervous, but I'll regularly write the wrong code on a bulk container for a cheaper price at Whole Foods. Getting freshly ground almond butter for the same price as freshly ground peanut butter has become a justifiable right within my brain. I love when people call this place "Whole Paycheck." That's so unfunny that it goes back to being funny and then back to being unfunny again. Whole Foods usually has an exemplary selection of cheese. Once I was smelling random packages to see which appealed to me most when an employee who looked like he knew a lot about cheese asked me what I was doing. It struck me that I was doing something wrong and I became instantly embarrassed. I usually get pretty defensive in situations such as this, so I held the cheese up to eye level and asked, "has this cheese been cut?" He replied that it obviously had been. I instantly transformed into the seven-year-old version of myself and perfectly countered with, "YOU CUT THE CHEESE."

• "Very high prices. Poor ethnic selection. Very good for shopping veggies." - Sonia L. on the Redmond PCC location.

I've never shopped at a PCC, I just wanted to draw the logo. Sorry 'bout that.

Free Psychic Hotline call of the week (well, the only one I've answered). It's 30 minutes long, listen to it at work.

"Are You Fond Of Omelettes?"

• As of 2011 Arby's is currently using the slogan "It's Good Mood Food."

• Go ahead & get what you pay for!

• "Is it your duty as a female in the punk community to have a specific political agenda when making art?" OF COURSE IT FUCKING IS.

I've received at least seven emails regarding the dates of the current Tacocat tour. Here they are in an easy to read format because I AM NOT THE GD TACOCAT TOUR MANAGER. But I sat beside the Tacocat tour manager, and I studied them.

TACOCAT/FOREVER TOUR DATES SUMMER '11, A HONDA ODYSSEY

6/27 Phoenix @ Bike Saviours
6/28 Flagstaff @ The Cottage
6/29 Las Cruces @ The Trainyard
7/1 Austin @ Beerland w/ Vomettes and Crisis Hotlines
7/2 New Orleans @ Kate & Ollie's House
7/3 Florence, AL @ Black Owl Trading Co.
7/4 Huntsville, AL @ TBA
7/5 Chattanooga, TN @ Antarctica House
7/6 Durham @ The Pinhook
7/7 Richmond @ Sprout w/ Slutever and Tiger Tails
7/8 - 7/9 DC hangin @ Clitfest
7/10 Philadelphia @ Kingsessing Mansion w/ Cat Vet
7/11 New Brunswick, NJ @ (message for address, secret!) w/ Big Eyes and Period Girls
7/12 Brooklyn @ Death By Audio w/ Aye Nako, Bad Banana, Little Victory
7/13 Day off NY
7/14 Braddock, PA @ The Boat Dock
7/15 Berea, OH @ Berea Fest
7/16 Detroit @ PJ's Lager House
7/17 Chicago @ The Juicer w/ the Ovens
7/18 Milwaukee @ the Woods
7/19 MPLS / ST Paul @ Chamber of Secrets w/ Kitten Forever and Les Deux Magots
7/20 Omaha @ TBA
7/21 Denver @ Bar Bar w/ Lust Cats
7/22 Provo @ The Compound
7/23 Boise, ID @ TBA

Have a look at this painting! You can win it in a raffle at the Vera Project's A Drink for the Kids on Tuesday at West 5! I'll be there with Megan Jasper! She's a LAFF RIOT!

• Your kickers are harsh realm, lamestain.

• "Hi I'm Emily, Derek's wife. What's cocaine?" - Emily Noces 06/23/2011

• GASP! GASP! GASP! GASP!

EXTRA BONUS: Sara Lee Waffle on Our Nation's Tragedy, "No big deal."

• Shark Week: NEVER FORGET

• Come to this! There is food to eat!

TWITTER ACCOUNT OF THE WEEK: Soon-Yi Previn (@RealSoonYi - I am Soon-Yi. Woody Allen is my dad husband.)