"It smells like old blankets in here."
"That's teen spirit!"

- exchange between Obits bass player Greg Simpson and an audience member at the Crocodile, 08/19/2011.

Ahoy, Caperers! What grand times they are here in Drizzleville. I've lived in this place for nearly a year and I'm finally on the verge of moving out the attic and into an actual house at 23rd and Olive. If that does indeed happen, you'll be invited over for peanut butter toast. Speaking of nuts, Seattle's best Hole cover band, Glory Hole, played a brilliant set of grunge-tastic tracks last Saturday at Linda's Fest. They faked it so real it was beyond fake, even though they didn't even play "Doll Parts." My favorite part included Love-like Lelah Maupin's between song copy banter, which included, "Is little miss Dutch bitch mad cause I fucked Trent? Is she mad cause I fucked Brad Pitt? Is she mad cause I fucked Evan? Is she mad cause I married Kurt? Well tough shit you ugly, fat goth. You couldn’t even fuck him." This especially hit home for me, though I'm not Dutch, I do consider myself homely, corpulent and goth.

• Adam Noble Bass
• Scotty, Lisa, Lelah & Bree.

Do you like the Other Coast sandwich shop? I think it's JUST OKAY. It's kind of expensive and the Italiano was mostly bland. Sub Pop's Jeff Kleinsmith has a poster show in the Capitol Hill location though, you should go an look at it if you can. Buy some chips, they're only a dollar!

ALERT: Anti-Art Performance Artist Attacks Henri Matisse's The Plumed Hat!

Performance artist Susan Burns has been arrested for attempting to thrash yet another expensive painting. Burns' latest performance, possibly entitled I Will Now Repeatedly Smash Henri Matisse's The Plumed Hat Against a Wall took place on August 5th at the National Gallery in Washington, D.C. Details of this performance sound curiously similar to her other show earlier this year when she attacked Paul Gauguin's Two Tahitian Women.

• HERE COMES TROUBLE

An artist statement hasn't been released for her latest work, but the statement given for her first work may give clues to the inspiration of her latest creation:

I feel that Gauguin is evil. He has nudity and is bad for the children. He has two women in the painting and it’s very homosexual. I was trying to remove it. I think it should be burned. I am from the American CIA and I have a radio in my head. I am going to kill you.

The Plumed Hat has been valued at $2.5 million, Two Tahitian Women at $80 million. Susan Burns was charged with unlawful entry and has been officially barred from all museums and art galleries in Washington DC. Questions sent to the radio in her head have yet to receive a response.

Last week, a guy that beat me up in the late 1980s became my friend on Facebook. I couldn't help but seize the opportunity to talk to him about that incident that then veered into a conversation about weather modification and chem-trails. Here's a clumsy (& wonkily formatted) transcript of the instant-message chat interview that followed (TL;DR: A bully from my past doesn't recall traumatizing me, would rather talk about weather conspiracies.)

Derek Erdman: Rich?

Rich S: Sup man.

Derek Erdman: I was wondering, i write for a blog for a paper in Seattle. do you remember beating me up in the late 1980s? Do you think i could interview you about it?

Rich S: I did. Serious.

Derek Erdman: So that's okay? If i interview you? It would be funny.

Rich: Sure I guess. I really don't remember. Serious come on I never fought you. Refresh my mind on what you and I fought about. Okay was the fight over some tramp girl?

Derek: Huh? You beat me up because you weren't skateboarding well. You didn't know who i was at the time.

Rich S: Brotherman, you got to fill me in why you and I fought.

Derek Erdman: You knocked my arm out of the socket. I couldn't move it for three weeks. Seriously, it was like 1989 or something.

Rich S: I did?

Derek Erdman: But i saw you there years later, i think you were throwing billiard balls at a car. THAT RULED.

Rich S: Sorry man I was an ass. If I did.

Derek Erdman: Oh man, it's okay! Are you married now? What is your life like?

Rich Smeltzer: Living same chick 11 years. No marriage that's for church going folk. Sitting on my ass at insurance company, head of desktop support. How bout you how is life going for you?

Derek Erdman: Life is going well. I live in Seattle. Everything is slow here. Are you obsessed with chem-trails?

Rich S: Yes.

Derek Erdman: They are a conspiracy of some sort? i don't know "the facts."

Rich S: I live in the country now away from city. Weather modification.

Derek Erdman: Because of chem-trails?

Rich S: Yes.

Derek Erdman: The government is modifying the weather?

Rich S: Yes.

Derek Erdman: for why?

Rich S: Haarp. Cause natural disasters. Or not so natural.

Derek Erdman: Can you tell me about one disaster in particular that was caused by this?

Rich S: I started really getting involved in March after earthquake tsunami Of Japan.

Derek Erdman: That was caused by weather modification?

Rich S: All the record tornadoes in America. I believe. I have no proof.

Derek Erdman: What is the reason though? Why does the government want to make giant tornadoes?

Rich S: Some people have posted weather maps on YouTube with strange wave burst out of the storm the day before March 11. Genocide population control big picture of new world order. Have you ever been to Denver international Airport? Zoom in and out on the runways with Google Earth. There is a swastika. Murals painted in there end game. But back to chem-trails its worldwide not just USA.

Derek Erdman: I've been to that airport.

Rich S: Biggest is new world airport commission donated time capsule and stone that organization doesn't exist.

Derek Erdman: I'm sorry, i don't understand that sentence at all.

Rich S: Not really a sentence. Um. Okay, they have a time capsule. With what ever in it. A organization donated like a headstone. It has a Freemason symbol. And the organization is called new world airport commission. They do not exist. Look up weather modification Inc. Look at who they contract for mostly government projects. Well with the chem-trail its toxic. Short trails off plane are not harmful long puffy that turn into clouds bad. So I started watching these planes destroy a perfect blue sky. Cris cross then hour later severe t storms would hit.

Derek Erdman: i remember seeing chem-trails years ago, do you know when they started? And for why?

Rich S: 1999. Still a mystery. But one did crash taking off from a naval base has omega symbol. Omega = end. Documentary called owning the weather basically all governments new WMD. He who controls the weather is God and wins. Quote out of documentary. I don't believe in God so I would never say that.

Derek Erdman: isn't Omega a re-fueling airline?

Rich S: Is it? Don't know have not done much research into it.

Derek Erdman: Yeah, they appear to be owned by Boeing. they refuel planes in the air.

Rich S: You are right. But they also do chem-trails.

Derek Erdman: What is in the chem-trails?

Rich S: Low flyers are said to have molds and fungi.

Derek Erdman: To make people sick?

Rich S: Barium. Yes. Molds and Dunkirk headaches worse then migraines.

Derek Erdman: Do you talk about these things with your girlfriend? Does she share the same views?

Rich S: Heart conditions. Flu like symptoms extreme fatigue. Yes I do.

Derek Erdman: And this is all to control population?

Rich S: I try to share with all to be aware.

Derek Erdman: Is it the government or another organization doing this? Like reptile aliens, etc?

Rich S: It's a lil bit of this lil bit of that. 1: weather modification, 2: mass depopulation, 3: mass inoculation.

Derek Erdman: I'm kind of into the idea of mass depopulation. Sign me up!

Rich S: Bush family is big on it. They idolize a author who has a book on depopulation but I forgot who he is.

Derek Erdman: It seems that there are too many people on earth and it's just going to get worse.

Rich S: True that's why I believe WWW 3 is coming.

Derek Erdman: And what will that entail?

Rich S: All world financials are collapsing if history repeats WW1 WW2 back then all world government financials they go to war. Countries spraying. Mexico, Canada, Holland, France, Ireland, Scotland, Germany, Italy, New Zealand. The higher elevation sprays Ethylene Dibromide. Pesticide banned in 83. Pseudomonas fluorescence. Bacterium. Barium.

Derek Erdman: Do you know what we do with old scientists in Washington State?

Rich S: What?

Derek Erdman: We Barium!

(YOU HAVE BEEN DISCONNECTED)