Originally posted Monday Morning. Derek finally woke up again.—Eds.

ALERT: The Stranger's "#1 music column" will arrive today sometime around noon. An hour ago I felt the familiar scratching of a common cold in my throat and face and I've downed most of a bottle of NyQuil PM. My fingers currently feel like rubber sausage links and I just scraped my shins on the stairs on my way up to the room where I currently am half sitting in a chair.

• "Too Greasy," remarked Ringwald.

BUT DON'T FRET! This is going to be a delightful installment of Caperin'! There's a report of Molly Ringwald's* recently trip to Philly Fevre Steak & Hoagie Shop! There's a recap of the life of Elmer Edward Solly, the child-killer who posed as a member of Sha Na Na! There's a bunch of coupons that will help you though the current difficult economic climate!

OH, OKAY. I WOKE UP. Here's a bunch of coupons to help if you're having money troubles. Money is hard, save some here!

SHOW REVIEW: Unnatural Helpers, Grave Babies, Manic Attracts, Stickers @ the Funhouse 10/01/11

Unnatural Helpers: Pretty good!
Grave Babies: Pretty good!
Manic Attracts: Pretty good!
Stickers: Pretty good!

• GET OUT OF TOWN.

Although the good news of Amanda Knox's freedom ride is sweeping the nation, I have to bring y'all back down to earth with the harrowing tale of Elmer Edward Solly, the child killer that escaped jail and posed for years as a member of Sha Na Na. In 1969 a boozed-up Solly beat his girlfriend's child to death and went to prison. Then his grandmother and mother started a letter writing campaign about how terrible life in prison is. The letter writing campaign caused Solly to be transferred to a medium-security prison. Then he gained the trust of a prison psychologist and escaped when nobody was looking. Solly then formed some documents and became Vinnie Taylor of Sha Na Na, who had died earlier of a heroin overdose. Sha Na Na found out about this and considered suing Solly, but didn't want to give him publicity, so they didn't. Eventually Solly's mother died and other members of his family revealed the ruse. The police arrested him while fishing in Florida and Solly went back to jail. He served the remainder of his sentence and was eventually released to live in a welfare hotel before he died.

• "Won't you fly, free bird, yeah."

Have you been wondering why GothicKingCobra is goth? Here, allow him to tell you:

*Molly Ringwald didn't go to Philly Fevre Steak & Hoagie Shop. But I did and it's really tasty!