Line Out Music & the City at Night

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Polite Interloper #3: Celery Duff

Posted by on Tue, Mar 20, 2012 at 10:38 AM

Editor's note: Polite Interloper usually appears on Monday, but Gabby suffered a sprained ankle during a particularly rigorous flag football game and therefore could not type yesterday.

Thank you for calling your (REDACTED). For the bakery or deli department, please press one. For meat or seafood, press two. For the floral or produce department, press three. For the wine department or Starbucks, press four. To reach the pharmacy, press five. For store information, please press eight. Please remain on the line to hear this menu again. For all other departments or to speak to a customer service representative, please press zero.

(beep)

One moment please.

(five rings)

(GREETING REDACTED)

Hi, um, I'm a student at the local university, my name is Gabby.

Okay.

And I'm doing a survey about celebrities.

And you're calling a business at three o'clock in the morning?

I was wondering if you could tell me what celebrity each of these words remind you of. Number One, Celery Duff.

No thanks. (hangs up)

(three rings)

(GREETING REDACTED)

Hello, 24-hour Del Taco?

Yep.

Um, I was wondering, uh, I have a friend who I'm supposed to be meeting there. I was wondering, is there a person there by the name of Celery Duff?

Not that I know of.

Carmen Diaz?

Nope.

Leonardo Decarprio?

(hangs up)

(GREETING REDACTED)

Pigeon.

What was that?

Pigeon.

Pigeon! (makes pigeon noises)

Pigeon.

Crow.

Pigeon.

Pigeon toe.

Pi-HI! Um, I had a quick question for you.

Yep.

Um, If I say Tommy Hilfinger to you, what does that make you think of?

Um, I'm gonna put my fist in your ass.

Pigeon.

Cameltoe.

(hangs up)

 

Comments (3) RSS

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pfffter 1
More please.
Posted by pfffter on March 20, 2012 at 3:36 PM · Report this
Lilliable 2
Really? This is what you're publishing now? And she needed an extra twenty-four hours to put this together?
Posted by Lilliable on March 20, 2012 at 7:32 PM · Report this
seandr 3
When I was a tween, we used to call random numbers and pretend we were a little kid who's parents beat the shit out of us. The call would always end with one of the pretend parents coming home and screaming to get the fuck off the phone, some scuffling sounds, screaming and crying, and then click, we'd hang up.

Now those were funny prank calls, at least until the cops showed up at our door one day (a guy we called had it traced) and took my mom outside for questioning.
Posted by seandr on March 20, 2012 at 7:53 PM · Report this

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