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Monday, June 18, 2012

Rock of Ages Is a Bomb

Posted by on Mon, Jun 18, 2012 at 11:50 AM

The American public has spoken and they have decided that the unholy sexual congress of hair metal and Tom Cruise should be ignored.

This is a huge relief for me. The only thing I hate more than Tom Cruise is 80s metal that's been overplayed to death by Big Radio. Note, please, that I'm not saying hair metal is terrible. I'm saying that those 150 or so songs that Clear Channel decided to be representative of hair metal have been put into heavy rotation for decades, and now I can't hear any of them without experiencing a wave of nausea. These so-called "jukebox musicals," which try to cash in on that overplayed music one...last...time, only exacerbate the problem.

In other great news, Adam Sandler's latest movie flopped, too. Thank you, American moviegoing public! It's like Christmas around here today.


Comments (15) RSS

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Dougsf 1
Holy shit. I'd seen bus stop ads for that but had no idea what it was. I'm comforted to know there isn't a major "Glee, but for 40-somethings" market.
Posted by Dougsf on June 18, 2012 at 12:25 PM · Report this
Zebes 2
I don't mind the music. All mainstream music is wielded as a weapon of nostalgia at some point.

I do mind Tom Cruise. All Tom Cruise is wielded as a weapon against good taste at some point.
Posted by Zebes on June 18, 2012 at 12:43 PM · Report this
biffp 3
Tom Cruise trying to appropriate coolness and rock and roll. If Mittens loses in November, maybe batshit religions can return to the fringes.
Posted by biffp on June 18, 2012 at 12:51 PM · Report this
I stick to my analysis.

There are only two remaining movie audiences:

1) Preteens who can't drive. They want movies with vampires (we'll see if Abe Lincon:vamp hunter proves me right)

2) Little kids whose parents take them on Saturday morning. They want cartoons or transformers or any movie that is like a Disney ride.

No one else goes to the movies any more.
Posted by Supreme Ruler Of The Universe http://_ on June 18, 2012 at 1:12 PM · Report this
More like Extemely Arrogant and Uninformed Resident of The Universe. I loved Avengers in the theater. On the other hand I'm still mad about being talked into seeing The Immortals in the theater. What a stink-feat that was.
Posted by Slog Tipper David on June 18, 2012 at 1:44 PM · Report this
Pip Hellion 6
I was very much looking forward to this movie, until I learned T.C. was the principal/lead. Sometimes I feel remorse for discriminating against him, and his beliefs. I would like to meet him, sometime, so I could look down on him.

Abe Lincoln will be huge.
Posted by Pip Hellion on June 18, 2012 at 1:49 PM · Report this
Max Solomon 7
well, I'll say it: HAIR METAL IS TERRIBLE. it always was. yes, even GNR. terrible.
Posted by Max Solomon on June 18, 2012 at 1:58 PM · Report this
Fnarf 8
@7, yes, but funny. Funny isn't better than good, but it's better than mediocre. Funny hair metal from the 80s and 90s is more entertaining than 90% of the unfunny mainstream music of the 80s and 90s. GNR is hysterical, especially if you tell yourself Axl Rose desperately needs to pee the whole time.
Posted by Fnarf on June 18, 2012 at 2:04 PM · Report this
very bad homo 9
Did anyone expect this to be good?
Posted by very bad homo on June 18, 2012 at 2:12 PM · Report this
I don't know much about Rock Of Ages but like Paul I hate the idea and hate at least some of the principals involved. I've been rather hoping to see reviews like the one famously given to a conceptually similar musical:
In his autobiography, the comedian Stewart Lee wrote the following: “Why don’t people like Ben Elton? Admittedly, I was writing this material in the light of seeing Elton’s Queen musical We Will Rock You. I was obliged to see it professionally, as the director of another musical, Jerry Springer: The Opera, but I found it profoundly depressing, even as an example of the largely futile genre of musical theatre. It made me despair of humanity, but having seen it, Ben Elton’s Queen musical is one of those things you can’t unsee, like animal pornography or some especially horrible vomit in a gutter, and it haunts you for days, every time you close your eyes. There’s bad art, and then there’s corrupt art, dishonest art, art that lies and is made with nothing but contempt for its audience: We Will Rock You is all of those.”
Posted by Warren Terra on June 18, 2012 at 2:16 PM · Report this
biffp 11
@10, dishonest art, that's such a great term. I love some of that hair metal now, but at the time it did seem to have pumped out with a contempt anyone who listened to the radio and it drowned out music that was good. Casting Alec Baldwin seems funny, but casting Tom Cruise as the lead just seems like it's a calculated move to promote him at the expense of the material and audience.
Posted by biffp on June 18, 2012 at 2:34 PM · Report this
@11: "casting Tom Cruise as the lead just seems like it's a calculated move to promote him at the expense of the material and audience."

Scientology is desperate to maintain its fading charm with the public who doesn't care what creepy activities they're up to.
Posted by of COURSE it's all about Cruise. on June 18, 2012 at 2:58 PM · Report this
Ditto everything you said. Amen! God, I hate 80's hair metal.

Excuse me - make that "metal".
Posted by floater on June 18, 2012 at 6:13 PM · Report this
I fear Mission Impossible 5, 6, 7, etc. Cruise fans should find a new idol.
Posted by jimL on June 18, 2012 at 8:38 PM · Report this
Karlheinz Arschbomber 15
They'll just blame the internet for the decline in the movie business. The Feds will use it as an opportunity to crank up surveillance. Win-win.
Posted by Karlheinz Arschbomber on June 19, 2012 at 5:55 AM · Report this

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