They read from the chapter about America, Christopher went on a rant about awnings (you've heard it here before), we saw a photo of humorous baguette placement, Bethany talked about the time she barfed all over her family's scuba gear, and Dan told the crowd, apologetically: "You could be at a concert right now. And yet, you're here."
Other highlights include: Dan's sex advice for owls ("Keep fucking, we're running out of you guys. Don't just sit there looking cute"), the best clip art that PowerPoint has to offer (Christopher thinks it's the one of people physically building a gargantuan pie chart), Lindy's favorite television shows ("Shows where they make food in a contest, or any shows where there's an injured horse"), how RNC attendees are just like Clint Eastwood ("They're all insane old people screaming at chairs"), and some life advice re: what order one should do the sex, intoxicants, and tacos, from Dan: "Fuck first! Fuck, then go out to dinner. Fuck, then get married. Don't drink, eat, then fall asleep and then get in trouble in the morning with your partner who you didn't fuck." Fuck first, ladies and gentleman. All the wisdom that's fit to print.