We decided to start a religion whose only holiday was celebrated by throwing pumpkins off roofs. We were inspired to do this by whiskey and Lady Gaga, and not the Lord, but we hoped the Lord would see that no one else was throwing pumpkins and want to join us. It was like the letter we sent Lady Gaga suggesting she fuck both of us because we have access to a gazebo. She never wrote back. The gazebo is still lovely without her, though it is actually a parking garage.