Last month's triumph of Foreigner's "Double Vision" over REO Speedwagon's "Take It on the Run" wasn't much a surprise to CRGT readers. Though it was brought up by camlux that there is "no good Speedwagon," I totally disagree. The Gary Richrath heavy "Ridin' the Storm Out" or "Flying Turkey Trot" could easily demolish most of what Styx or the Eagles have to offer. Alas, those are battles for later days.

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As chosen by less than 30 votes, "Double Vision" advances into a higher imaginary CRGT tier. I'm not sure if a quick re-cap is needed, this is a song we've all heard waaaaaaay too many times. But in a way, it still rules. We discussed last month how it's mostly about getting wasted on a bunch of drugs. To further quote the brilliant Song Meanings website, user kfe2 describes "Double Vision" with:

The band wrote this after seeing New York Rangers goalie John Davidson get knocked out during the 1977 Stanley Cup Playoffs. Davidson is now a popular hockey analyst for ABC Sports. The changed it around to talk about being at a party.

My reply to that can only be: "?!?!??!??!??!?!??!??!??!??!??!??!???!?!??!??!??!?!??!?!?."

Today's challenger is a great one, though. Well, you know, great bad and then good again because it's so bad. It's Eddie Money's "Take Me Home Tonight," a song so shallow and insipid that it reminds me of a 1983 Volkswagen Rabbit stuck in three feet of December snow in Ohio. In other words: it goes nowhere. Keith Whiteman of the Grave Babies offers: "Well, I listened to the song twice and all I could think of was if he was good in bed or not. So that's a disturbing thought. I feel a hunger. It's a hunger."

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Released in 1986, "Take Me Home Tonight" hit #1 on the U.S. Billboard Mainstream Rock Tracks and #4 on the U.S. Billboard Hot 100. That's certainly enough copies sold to buy a few white Corvettes. Though, I'm not sure how much "aqua gravel" it could afford.

I used to read Hit Parader and Circus magazines as a child, and I remember a letter to the editor in one of those asking if Eddie Money had upper teeth, as he never seemed to show them. I usually think about this whenever I hear Eddie Money. Today, when I heard this song, was the first time I realized that he's actually referencing Ronnie Spector from the Ronnettes in the song, with the line, "Just like Ronnie sang." It would be embarrassing for me to tell you what I thought he was saying before, because it doesn't make any sense. It's nice that she duets on the chorus though, I guess.

As for the meaning of "Take Me Home Tonight," one doesn't have to travel too far in their brain to figure out what's happening in this song. Dude's got a hunger and he needs to eat physical love. According to the wonderfully poorly written Wikipedia page, when questioned about the song,

"...the band stated that it was inspired by an unknown person named "Garth," who, as childhood friend of the bandmembers, was constantly looking to sleep over at other people's houses. Other sources say it relates to Producer Jacob Dooley's obsession with convincing the drunkest girl in the bar to take him back to her house.

My reply to that can only be: "?!?!??!??!??!?!??!??!??!??!??!??!???!?!??!??!??!?!??!?!?."

Again, back to the ever informative Song Meanings, user darreno27 writes:

Me and my roomies constantly play this song at parties. It get the crowd pumped up with the ladies flying around. One of our favorite songs. I always jam this on my guitar full bore when finals are done and it's time for a break.

Dude, that's awesome. Regardless, in true Classic Rock Garbage Thunderdome fashion, we're here to decide: which of these awful songs is better? Vote quick, vote often.