I'm sure you're busy working around the clock in the studio, and I'm sure you get lots of fan letters, so I'll be brief. You see, I'm not just writing to you as a fan, Kevin. I'm really concerned about you. The last time you said you were working on a new My Bloody Valentine album, you just bought a bunch of chinchillas and let them run wild in your home studio. I won't judge you if you've chosen to become a chinchilla breeder (former rock stars have chosen stranger new career paths... I think...), but there are better cover stories than telling NME that you're releasing a new MBV album this year. Trust me: no one will believe you.
Truth be told, I wish you were releasing new material. I loved Loveless. I can't tell you how many nights I've spent lying on my couch in the dark listening to it, trying to achieve some type of shoegaze nirvana. Speaking of Nirvana, I think it's an awful shame that Nevermind consistently overshadows your magnum opus when the critics make their Best Albums of 1991 lists. And that's why it makes no sense to me that you'd want to release a new MBV album—which is sure to be an instant classic—after the Best Of 2012 lists have already come out. Everyone knows that's why new albums rarely come out in December. Everyone also knows that you aren't going to release a new MBV album until after you've made your solo debut. (Isn't that what you told Mike McGonigal, the author of the 33 1/3 book on Loveless?) And you aren't fooling anyone by saying that the newly reincarnated MBV will be playing its first gig in Tokyo, because everyone knows that's where Lost in Translation took place.
So, here's what I propose: Because I so desperately want to believe that your new LP is on its way, I'm going to give you an opportunity to prove it to me. Mail me a tape with some brand new tracks on it. Send me some mp3's. Round up what's left of your band, come to my house, and debut some new songs in an exclusive, intimate concert. (Please?) Then, I'll be happy, you'll be happy, the rest of your fans will be happy, and we can forget that chinchilla thing ever happened.