I relent! And thusly, I've come to a decision. From this scrumptious butterscotch moment forward, I will totally embrace regret. Cultivate it! Wallow the fuck in it. Just like everyone always expects me to this time of year around here. HAPPY?
Now, calm down, I know: In the so-called "past," I've been all, "Ooooh! Look at me! I'm Adrian and I'm so cool that I never regret anything ever because I'm so totally above it all, so STICK IT, SUCKERS! HA!" But never again!
From now on, I promise to wrestle myself to regret's dirty basement floor, hog-tie myself in agonizing ropes of pointless repentance, take every single thing I could possibly regret for any silly little reason whatsoever, crumple it all up into a big ball of backward-looky misery, douse it in gasoline, light it on fire, and cram the flaming mess right up my own contrite and weepy corn hole. REGRET!! Let's do this.
Okay, no, wait. The problem is, with everyone so happy getting gay-married all over the place and/or acting so... I don't know... oddly mellow... lately. And what with the vile Repugs getting their evil asses finally handed to them over and over again on a no-longer-quite-so-silvery platter (more like a dirty old paper plate covered in chicken grease and dog hair) by He Who Remains Our Glorious Leader (hooray!).