I went to another man’s karaoke night on Saturday. This is always uncomfortable for me because I can’t stop thinking about everything the karaoke host is doing wrong, and how in my bar, the karaoke host never mentions his own tip jar or smiles or plays songs from the Armageddon soundtrack or acts agreeable in any way as if the whole thing weren’t really beneath him and wouldn’t everyone like to kindly fuck off.
Also, I’d been to this karaoke night before and knew the host was young and handsome so I was pre-emptively irritated. I brought a Mead memo pad so I could keep track of all the host’s aberrations, then write about them later. This also had a not unintended attention-drawing effect, so that when someone asked what I was doing, I would respond that I was a “writer” “working on” a “piece” for a “newspaper,” possibly “The New Yorker.”
Later though, the notes I took ended up being a lot more interesting than the angry, masturbatory bit I wanted to write, so here they are, chronologically, after the jump:
- The karaoke host who sings the first song. I’m conflicted. There’s good reasons to do this and bad.
- I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t drink. I double don’t trust a karake host who doesn't.
- Karaoke video fan fiction?
- The video accompanying “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” is alarmingly elaborate.
- Do NOT join in. No one loves your harmony. It’s not your turn, guy!
- No tambourines!
- White soft belt after Labor Day.
- No jumping!
- Audience request: “shit all over this house!”
- Don’t freak out/act like a goddamn weirdo. Everybody hates a weirdo.
- No tambourine.
- Too much energy, opinions about ADD. Is it real?
- Pretty good singer.
- He’s so young, poor soul.
- Mechanical pencils???
- But! Some girls did "Bohemian Rhapsody" well!
- It’s like the Blair Witch Project of karaoke?
- Cat probably pretty angry by now.
- "Birthday Sex" again? Does he do this for everyone? Does it ever work out? Must find more info.
- Cat probably pretty angry by MEOW. HAHAHA PUT THIS PART IN FOR SURE. Ask Stranger about cat blog???
- Wait, tambourine okay.
So, whatever. I was hoping to have something bitchier to say about this young upstart, but everybody in the room had fun, even me. That’s the point of a good karaoke host, isn’t it? That everyone has fun? And that maybe you’re not old enough to shave yet? I’d go again to this Unnamed Place. If I didn’t hate karaoke so fucking much.