Patrick hosts karaoke at the Monkey Pub in the U-District on Friday nights from 10 to close. These are his stories [dun-dun!].

You’re a winner and everybody knows it. When you walk down the street, heads turn, cars accident each other. You’re not concerned about the national debt because you were popular in high school and you’re popular now. It’s not just about the looks, the car, the way the wind seems to blow your name, the trust fund, the long list of sexual partners... It’s about attitude. You got ahead in life because you’re not willing to settle for second best. The sky’s the limit. Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’. Life is a highway, and you wanna ride it all night long.

That’s why, when it’s time to let off some steam after a hard day of The Business, you sing karaoke. Taking leave of your senses with a six pack of Jaegerbombs and belting a song you heard on Entourage is just the ticket to relieve those frayed nerves. There’s only one problem: the karaoke host. It seems he doesn’t know who you are (a winner). It seems he doesn’t know how fully you’re going to nail “Santeria” if he would just get out of the way and let you. It seems he doesn’t think you’re the next singer. There are ladiezzz present.

How do you get to the front of the karaoke queue?

1. Do Not Tip. If you were going to show weakness, you’d have gone to the…Weakness Emporium? Whatever, you’re not an imaginer, you’re a winner. Karaoke hosts can smell weakness, fear, and campfire on an unwashed hoodie. Tipping a karaoke host will embolden them, allowing them to believe they’ve got you where they want you. Instead, approach them and say something like, “hey, bro, everybody in here wants to hear me do Foo Fighters, alright?” Don’t wait for an answer. Walk away. He’ll get the picture. You’ll be in the next five.

2. Arrive as Late as Possible. Showing up on time indicates a patience that you don’t have. Did you get to be Co-Colonel of Psi Supsilon Bromega by being patient? No. If the bar closes at 1:30, arrive at 1:10. Place your karaoke slip confidently with the host. Raise your voice. Big, angry words!

3. Write Illegibly. Let him do the work.

4. Sit Close to the Front and Talk Loudly with Your Friends/a Girl You Met in the Alley. Obviously.

5. Join Other Singers Against Their Will. If none of the above is registering and the host’s working-class sense of fairness is still preventing you from your due, simply join one of the singers before you on stage. Do not ask. This will assert your dominance over not only the karaoke host, but all of the bar’s patrons. In nature, sheep seek leadership and parties. Be both. The karaoke host will respond.

Above all else, it’s important to not lose sight of who you are. The Best. Using these tips, the next time you look up at that karaoke screen it will say,
Up Next: YOU!