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Thursday, February 14, 2013

The Only 2013 Grammys Synopsis You Need!

Posted by on Thu, Feb 14, 2013 at 12:16 PM


By the time the actual Grammys rolled around, I felt a little partied out from all the weird stuff happening that weekend (also, the Odd Future crew had been making a rowdy party music video in a room on our hotel floor until really late). The whole thing starts early, and it felt sillly getting sequined-up in the early afternoon.

The Grammys are held in the Staples Center, which feels like any sporting event stadium, except it's crawling with people in black-tie dress code standing next to corporate hamburger spots and nacho stands. But those places are closed and no actual food is available during the (REALLY, REALLY LONG) show and apparently people passing out is not all that uncommon. When I sat down in my plastic stadium chair, it crossed my mind that the invention of the clutch purse is a cruel joke... you can barely fit a phone in them! Worthless!


Important notes from the 2013 Grammys:

*Taylor Swift opened up the show with an elaborate all-white nightmare production of "We Are Never Getting Back Together," complete with dancing clowns. Meanwhile, her ex John Mayer was dressed like a game-show host in the audience with his new girlfriend Katy Perry.

*Katy Perry consoled those who didn't take home the best new artist award by saying, "Don't feel bad if you didn't win. I never won this and I have my own eyelash line. Take that, Bon Iver."

*There were 20 performances this year—a record number. I was kind of bummed the speeches didn't run longer though, I kind of like babblers.

*Boring tribute medleys happened every five minutes.

* Jack White brought both his female and male band for two songs and completely slayed. His losing album of the year to Mumford and Sons made me so angry that I started yelling at the guy next me like a crazy sports dude, "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THIS IS TOTAL FUCKING BULLSHIT!" (But seriously, Mumford?! Clean out your ears, Academy.)

*During commercial breaks, everyone on stage kept commenting on what a great job the host LL Cool J was doing in this really paternal way, as if he were a small child we were supposed to be cheering on during a play.

*There were zero obligatory cheers when Chris Brown's nomination was listed off.

*The best new artist award went to the band Fun. who ruin spin class for me several times a month.

*Goyte won album of the year, and still looks like Gary from Partman Parthorse.

*The Black Keys (perhaps most famous in Seattle for their alleged TP-ing of Stranger writer Derek Erdman's house) partnered up for a performance with Dr. John and the Preservation Hall Jazz Band.

*Justin Bieber was rumored to have been conspicuously absent because he felt sad about not being nominated.

*Between the new dress code that basically only targets women from dressing too slutty, and Chris Brown being honored with performance spots last year, I'm hoping the 2014 Grammys don't include another surprise anti-feminist diss.

*All in all, every performance was a lot like watching the film Con Air... so much crazy action that you almost start get bored when the 15th climax point rolls around. It's the musical equivalent to an amazing motorcycle chase after a plane crash.

Beautiful Adele.
  • Beautiful Adele.

After-parties were aplenty after LL Cool J dismissed us; champagne flowed freely, the night raged on until large grown men were being carried out of hotel parties and thrown into cabs. I met a sweet music-industry fellow a while ago who said that he might be able to get me tickets to that unbelievable Mark McGrath and Friends Cruise. When I ran into him later that night, I faced the inevitable loud uttering of "HEY BREE, I THINK THAT I CAN STILL GET YOU TICKETS TO THAT SUGAR RAY CRUISE THAT YOU WANTED TO GO TO."

Later on, former Neumos sound guy Evan Lasure and Lance from the Seattle band Cumulus were spotted in an after-party cabana next to Prince, and Jay-Z told my girlfriend she looked "very, very nice," and I've been hearing abut it several times a day ever since.

I definitely found myself arguing on the phone with Virgin Airline's customer service the next day trying to justify reasons on why I had missed my flight. This concludes my tale of Grammy weirdness. THE END.


Comments (16) RSS

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We can always count on the Stranger for such timely updates. Can't wait for your Super Bowl synopsis!
Posted by bigyaz on February 14, 2013 at 1:34 PM · Report this
Larry Mizell, Jr. 2
is sitting in Staples Center in black tie for 85 fucking hours not some of the worst shit ever? why the fuck do so many people do that?
Posted by Larry Mizell, Jr. on February 14, 2013 at 1:35 PM · Report this
biffp 3
I, me, my spin class, my girlfriend and 3 photos of backs. Very strong stuff. On the other hand, completely appropriate reaction on Mumford & Sons and Fun wins. I gave up watching in the eighties when Micheal Jackson would win 16 awards and beat Van Halen. Forget it.
Posted by biffp on February 14, 2013 at 1:52 PM · Report this
Kathy Fennessy 4
I've never attended the Grammys, probably never will, and rarely watch. but I enjoyed these recaps.
Posted by Kathy Fennessy on February 14, 2013 at 2:04 PM · Report this
yelahneb 5
I dug your recap, but can you replace those asterisks with bullet points?
Posted by yelahneb on February 14, 2013 at 2:12 PM · Report this
Emily Nokes 6
@5 - Those are STARS and they are GLAMOROUS. This isn't some casually-dressed itemized list, it's the Grammys.
Posted by Emily Nokes on February 14, 2013 at 2:40 PM · Report this
it's actually GRAMMYs in caps with a small s. The part about Katie Perry/Bon Iver was hilarious.
Posted by itsneverthateasy on February 14, 2013 at 4:44 PM · Report this
Josh Bis 8
Living a dream! These behind-the-scenes / IRL tidbits have been delightful and make me feel like I need to start scheming my way into getting a golden ticket.

Watching the telecast, I kept thinking that they'd invited the guy who plays Liam on NASHVILLE to the ceremony until went on stage to claim Gotye's Song of the Year trophy.
Posted by Josh Bis on February 14, 2013 at 5:06 PM · Report this
This is awful. Since when did the Stranger start sending Linda's waitresses to big events? Oh, yeah, probably since they hired her bandmate to write for them.
Posted by jikjik on February 14, 2013 at 5:21 PM · Report this
LEE. 10

you're like a child who wanders into the middle of a movie.
Posted by LEE. on February 14, 2013 at 5:59 PM · Report this
Emily Nokes 11
@9 - HAHAHA yeah, the Stranger "sends" people to cover the Grammys. Try and keep up!…
Posted by Emily Nokes on February 14, 2013 at 6:23 PM · Report this
#9, Sexist much? Jesus fucking Christ. I think she was here before Emily, not that it matters because I'm pretty sure that thanks to both of them, more women are reading Line Out. At least I'm finally not finding this section totally boring,
Posted by Seattle dudes are the worst on February 14, 2013 at 6:27 PM · Report this
Bree and Emily are the best thing to happen to The Stranger since Anna Woolverton's "Pop Paralysis" column.
Posted by abomb on February 14, 2013 at 8:12 PM · Report this
julie russell 14
LL is Hot Business. I so wanna bite those lips
Posted by julie russell http:// on February 15, 2013 at 9:26 AM · Report this
yelahneb 15
@6 Fair enough.
Posted by yelahneb on February 20, 2013 at 3:08 PM · Report this
syd 16
@9 I can just envision you as the type of person that might try to insult a flight attendant you are jealous of by calling them a "stupid stewardess." Using gendered language when you are anonymously trying to put people down makes you sound like real dumb sack of shit.
Posted by syd on February 21, 2013 at 4:44 PM · Report this

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