RetiredArtists.com asks:

"Why play your shitty songs when you can play consistent amazing ones written by us badass guys who toured in (and with) bands whose names would make you nut yourself?"

Here's a guess... artistic integrity?

But if you want to be a rockstar and you don't care about lame shit like integrity*, check out RetiredArtists.com, where "You tell us what style you want your songs in based on specific bands, and we will write you songs."

Who are these people? They won't say! But here's a hint:

Everyone involved with RetiredArtists was in a band that was signed and toured extensively, on labels ranging from Sony Records, Rise Records, and Victory Records to Bridge 9 Records. You most likely heard of the bands we were in, but we aren’t going to be specific on the site.

How much does it cost? $150-$175 per song, depending on how many songs you want them to write. And don't worry about being called out for not writing your own songs—they won't tell if you don't!

By the way, nobody will know you didn’t make that awesome music for the song you are playing. We are 100% discreet and the only people that will know about anything will be the band (and possibly label if they need to cut checks to our artists).

How, once they record the songs for you, will you learn to play them live? That isn't mentioned anywhere on the site—I guess that's up to you to figure out.

I assume this is a joke even though it says at the top of the homepage:

NOT A HOAX OR PRANK. WE ARE THE ORIGINAL SERVICE THAT HELPS MUSICIANS.

"Help" is a loose term here. Are you really helping anyone by doing the work for them? But whatever.

So, assuming this is real, who do you think's in this collection of artists? Would you use it? What would you think of a "band" who does use it? I have a lot of questions.

*Of course people perform songs written by other people, and that's totally okay! So long as there's songwriting credit for the people who did the work, it isn't a sneaky bullshit con.