HOLY F, you wouldn't believe the madness that just happened at the Safeway at 23rd and Madison. It's a block away from my house, so I'm in there all of time, which makes me very aware when something's amiss. Initially, I noticed the evening staff (especially Clarence, he's my favorite) in some sort of huddle, then they all went running in different directions. I assumed that it was a liquor thief, which is common for this particular location. While in the chip aisle (you know me!), a girl with a giant backpack came tearing around the corner mumbling how the employees were spying on her and that she hated Safeway. She paused for a second and looked and me and said, "and fuck you too." Then she started screaming at the top of her lungs and tearing groceries off of every shelf possible. Chips all over the place. Cookies, popcorn containers, popcorn toppings, so much stuff. She stomped a package of Jiffy Pop into a pancake.
Then, something totally weird happened, the employees closed in on her and told her to leave, but it became apparent that they weren't allowed to touch her to physically remove her. I haven't the slightest idea why not, but I think she and I realized the situation at the same time. She then looked me straight in the eye and said, "FUCK THIS PLACE" and started a store wide thrashing spree. I followed her through most of it and unfortunately didn't have my GD phone to take pictures. She started in the dairy aisle and just began hurling giant containers of yogurt and sour cream into the ground with full force. It was then that I noticed that she was a second rate crusty punk who looked to be on a whole bunch of drugs. She was making a low guttural noise every time she would smash something, like "URRRRRG." Then she went to the soda aisle and threw a bunch of glass bottles of expensive juices onto the ground. By the time they exploded behind her she was seething like a gorilla, hunched over like a linebacker. She kicked an end cap of Honeycomb cereal. She pulled a six-pack of tall plastic Coca-Cola bottles off of a display, throwing it careless behind her. She did the same with the next one under that. And the one under that. And the one under that. She turned around and spotted big plastic bags of rice on the bottom shelf behind her, hurried over and dug her fingers into one of the bags. She lifted the bag up over her head as some rice escaped from the small holes. She then dropped the bag in front of her and kicked it with all of her might as it fell. Her foot landed perfectly in the middle of the bag and it wrapped around her shoe, causing her to lose her balance and fall onto her side.
The Triscuits remained unthrashed.
At this point, an older balding manager type picked her up off of the ground from behind. She kicked her legs wildly while loudly screaming, "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK," as he took her toward the door. She spit toward a woman and a child near the door before the manager carried her outside, followed by a team of Safeway staff members. When the night crew came back into the store ten seconds later, one of them said, "I think I went to high school with that girl."