Line Out Music & the City at Night

Friday, January 10, 2014

I Almost Died While Listening to Coldplay

Posted by on Fri, Jan 10, 2014 at 11:17 AM

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  • s_bukley / Shutterstock.com

The headlights of the oncoming car were growing brighter... and brighter... and closer... and OH MY GOD THEY'RE IN MY LANE. I swerved, they swerved, and as I quickly regained control of the car without incident, my face and chest were still flushed from the panic. Then it hit me. Not the car, but the song. My car's radio was playing "Clocks" by Coldplay and suddenly I was pissed. What if that asshole had hit me head-on while Coldplay was on the goddamn radio?! COULD THERE BE A WORSE WAY TO DIE?

There I'd be, crumpled over in the driver's seat, face bloodied from the deployed airbag, with the smell of smoke, coolant, and burning rubber staining the air. Onlookers would rush to my door to try to help, but they'd turn away and cry out at the sight of my lifeless eyes. Some would frantically reach for their cell phones to call for help, while others would just stare blankly at the wreckage. As everyone rallied around my body, waiting for the emergency crews to arrive, all anyone would hear is that insultingly optimistic piano tinkle and Chris Martin singing those fucking ridiculous words about shooting apples off his head.

UGH.

Anyway. I obviously didn't die while listening to Coldplay, but the (not-very) near-death experience did get me thinking. There's been talk about what song you would want to hear right before you die, but what band or song would you least like to hear as you take your last breath?

It turns out, for me, it's Coldplay. I never, ever, ever want to die while listening to Coldplay.

 

Comments (75) RSS

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Kathy Fennessy 1
I don't know if you've seenTouching the Void (if not, I'd recommend it). Hardly a comedy, but I laughed when one of the climbers laments that Boney M might represent the last thing he hears before dying (probably funnier to people who grew up in the UK).
Posted by Kathy Fennessy http://kathleencfennessy.blogspot.com/ on January 10, 2014 at 12:04 PM · Report this
2
Billy fucking Joel.
Posted by Dave Segal on January 10, 2014 at 12:13 PM · Report this
3
Whitney Houston. I-eeeeee-I-eeeeee-I
Posted by WestSeven on January 10, 2014 at 1:20 PM · Report this
4
Hey, Soul Sister.
Posted by a guest on January 10, 2014 at 1:20 PM · Report this
5
The Doors
Posted by magic1 on January 10, 2014 at 1:20 PM · Report this
reverend dr dj riz 6
paul mc fucking cartney and wings
Posted by reverend dr dj riz on January 10, 2014 at 1:20 PM · Report this
7
Boney M.
Posted by synjck on January 10, 2014 at 1:21 PM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 8
Jeff Beck
Posted by Urgutha Forka on January 10, 2014 at 1:24 PM · Report this
9
Hotel California

@1: Touching the Void - excellent movie.

@6: I would be happy to die to anything off of Band on the Run.
Posted by MRM on January 10, 2014 at 1:24 PM · Report this
10
Jack Johnson
Posted by lucyboots on January 10, 2014 at 1:29 PM · Report this
11
There's a spot on I-5 near tacoma where the freeway takes a pretty sharp left. I was driving home late one night, and Viva La Vida came on the radio. Immediately, instinctively, i look down and change the radio to another station. When I looked up, I realized I was in that turn, and had not actually turned and had drifted lanes pretty dramatically.

Luckily, it was something like 1 AM and there was nobody on the road, so I was fine. But had it been any other time, I would have been in a car accident, and a rather bad one.

It was that moment that I realized that I would rather DIE IN A FIERY CAR CRASH than listen to that fucking Coldplay song.
Posted by jath on January 10, 2014 at 1:34 PM · Report this
TVDinner 12
Burt Bacharach. Or Randy Newman. I hate them both with the fire of the seven furies.
Posted by TVDinner http:// on January 10, 2014 at 1:34 PM · Report this
13
Anything by Stelly Dan.
Or The Indigo Girls.
Posted by tacomagirl on January 10, 2014 at 1:40 PM · Report this
Pope Peabrain 14
Pat Boone. I'd rather be burned alive.
Posted by Pope Peabrain on January 10, 2014 at 1:41 PM · Report this
15
Any boy band. Ever.
Posted by seattleeco on January 10, 2014 at 1:53 PM · Report this
Fnarf 16
GIVE IT AWAY GIVE IT AWAY GIVE IT AWAY NAH
Posted by Fnarf http://www.facebook.com/fnarf on January 10, 2014 at 1:55 PM · Report this
Gurldoggie 17
This is a timely question. While biking home yesterday, a total moron in a Kia SUV roared past me on 12th Avenue at 50 mph in the driving rain, blasting 'Hold the Line' by Toto. I had visions of my senseless and woefully unpoetic death. This unforgivably awful song gets my vote.
Posted by Gurldoggie http://gurldogg.blogspot.com on January 10, 2014 at 1:56 PM · Report this
18
I'm with @9: Hotel California. I hate the fucking Eagles, man.

Or "Cotton-Eyed Joe", that horrific hoedown-meets-techno monstrosity from the '90s THAT STILL GETS PLAYED.
Posted by Kalakalot on January 10, 2014 at 1:58 PM · Report this
Max Solomon 19
Seger.
Posted by Max Solomon on January 10, 2014 at 2:09 PM · Report this
TomJohnsonJr 20
@12, i'm with you on Newman, but as for Burt, I wouldn't mind going while Dionne reminded me I'll never fall in love again.

Worst to die to would be any Carpenters. Best, a song that would guarantee I'd die happy, Tilson's "Nevereverland."

Posted by TomJohnsonJr on January 10, 2014 at 2:19 PM · Report this
Megan Seling 21
OH GOD. I forgot about the Eagles. This changes things. Now I can't decide between Coldplay and "Hotel California."
Posted by Megan Seling on January 10, 2014 at 2:25 PM · Report this
Posted by decidedlyodd on January 10, 2014 at 2:28 PM · Report this
Fnarf 23
@12, @20, y'all are crazy. The Carpenters are brilliant, and while Mr. Newman's own voice can be a little hard to take he's a great songwriter. I could happily die to Nilsson Sings Newman any old day. As for Burt B., he's only the greatest songwriter of the postwar era. I love Dionne to pieces but for my death piece I'm going to request the great Walter Jackson's version of "The Look of Love": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znjO5JLE…
Posted by Fnarf http://www.facebook.com/fnarf on January 10, 2014 at 2:31 PM · Report this
Kinison 24
Talking Heads, Road to Nowhere.

Well we know where we're goin'
But we don't know where we've been
And we know what we're knowin'
But we can't say what we've seen
And we're not little children
And we know what we want
And the future is certain
Give us time to work it out
Posted by Kinison http://www.holgatehawks.com on January 10, 2014 at 2:32 PM · Report this
brandon 25
American pie, Africa, anything Hanson or Disney related ( Timberlake, Britney, Jonas or Miley included)

Take your pick.
Posted by brandon on January 10, 2014 at 2:35 PM · Report this
26
Creed
Posted by seattlemudbug on January 10, 2014 at 2:35 PM · Report this
biffp 27
Agree about Toto - that was one ugly band, and playing "Africa" at Nelson Mandela's tribute was just soul-crushing. I heard Survivor "Eye of the Tiger" at the dentist the other day, and I couldn't believe anyone could want to hear that song on the radio.

My others would be Jefferson Starship, Christopher Cross, Righteous Brothers, Frank Stallone.
Posted by biffp on January 10, 2014 at 2:36 PM · Report this
gttrgst 28
The Feederz Jesus Entering from the Rear
Posted by gttrgst on January 10, 2014 at 2:40 PM · Report this
29
Celine Dion. I want to kill myself every time anything of hers is on the radio.
Posted by originalcinner on January 10, 2014 at 2:48 PM · Report this
30
Mackle fucking more.
Posted by Senor Guy on January 10, 2014 at 2:52 PM · Report this
Mittens Schrodinger 31
Oh Jesus people. How can no one have listed the Spice Girls on here yet?
Posted by Mittens Schrodinger on January 10, 2014 at 2:55 PM · Report this
DOUG. 32
This thread is pretty much an Ellen Forney comic.
Posted by DOUG. http://www.dougsvotersguide.com on January 10, 2014 at 2:56 PM · Report this
33
Weird Al. Sorry. But yeah.
Posted by dbannon on January 10, 2014 at 2:56 PM · Report this
TomJohnsonJr 34
@23, but I don't want to hear either of their voices if I'm dying. That Jackson record is AMAZING.
Posted by TomJohnsonJr on January 10, 2014 at 3:05 PM · Report this
35
Oh it depends on what I die from.

I'd hate to die in a car crash while "Life Is A Highway" by Tom Cochrane was playing.

But more than anything, I think I'd hate to go with Walking In Memphis by Marc Cohn playing in the background. That fucking piano pisses me off in so many ways.

Posted by j.lee on January 10, 2014 at 3:10 PM · Report this
Megan Seling 36
@32 Ah! I love that! Thanks for posting that.
Posted by Megan Seling on January 10, 2014 at 3:11 PM · Report this
37
@32 FTW
Posted by Timothy http://www.moreperfect.org on January 10, 2014 at 3:13 PM · Report this
Matt from Denver 38
Megan! I thought you'd left The Stranger. Or did you, since I see you're labelled as a "slog fan" instead of "Stranger Staff" ? If you still have access to post diaries to Slog, we could use some hockey coverage...

Anyway, my entire life will be for naught if I have to hear Dead or Alive (you spin me right round right round, like a record baby) when I die. It won't matter if I end poverty and racial strife, cure cancer, or stop global warming - it's ALL for nothing if that's playing when I enter the great beyond.
Posted by Matt from Denver on January 10, 2014 at 3:20 PM · Report this
39
The Little Drummer Boy. Any recording. As if there weren't enough reasons to hate Christmas without it. At least I won't be running the risk of it being the last thing I hear until next September.
Posted by dextrose dave on January 10, 2014 at 3:22 PM · Report this
Fnarf 40
@38, good pick. Horrible, horrible song. So much awful garbage from that time period.

I further submit Spin Doctors, "Two Princes" -- that's the one with the "if you want to talk for hours, just go ahead now" bullshit going on. And no shoes.

In a similar no-shoes vein, I submit "What I Am" by Edie Brickell. Ugh. I can smell the patchouli from here.

More controversially, especially in this town, I find "Alive" by Pearl Jam to be the most unlistenable sludge imaginable. Whoa-errr-unh. And how about "Epic" by Faith No More -- awful rapping, and then that soul-destroying "you want it all but you cain't hayuv it" chorus. People used to pay money to listen to crap like that.

On the other hand, if you're hearing a song that horrible, maybe you would welcome death sooner?

@34, Walter Jackson is tragically unknown. Check out his "My Ship is Coming In". Majestic. Another great Bacharach interpreter, to the point where people called him the male Dionne Warwick, was Lou Johnson. Look for his "Kentucky Bluebird (Message to Martha)". Mighty, mighty.
Posted by Fnarf http://www.facebook.com/fnarf on January 10, 2014 at 3:36 PM · Report this
41
fucking adele
Posted by flurbal on January 10, 2014 at 3:40 PM · Report this
42
The first song that popped into my head when I saw this post was Hotel California, by The Eagles. It occurs to me that the same thing might happen when I die. Thanks a lot assholes.
Posted by no traffic lights on January 10, 2014 at 3:40 PM · Report this
Jason Josephes 43
The obvious answer here is Collective Fucking Soul.
Posted by Jason Josephes http://www.myspace.com/bluemoonseattle on January 10, 2014 at 3:41 PM · Report this
44
#13 for the WIN!!
Posted by Slackjaw on January 10, 2014 at 4:05 PM · Report this
45
@27: Nobody played Toto's "Africa" at the Nelson Mandela tribute. Your soul is safe.

(A clip was played on CBS to tease their story, probably by some unpaid, overworked 20-something intern. Save your outrage.)
Posted by bigyaz on January 10, 2014 at 4:10 PM · Report this
46
This will date me, but I have to say "Seasons in the Sun" by Terry Jacks. That or "I've Never Been to Me" by Charlene Oliver.
Posted by NotYourStrawMan on January 10, 2014 at 4:15 PM · Report this
47
Nickelback
Posted by BusyB on January 10, 2014 at 4:19 PM · Report this
biffp 48
@45, doesn't make it right, and you can save your self-righteous indignation.
Posted by biffp on January 10, 2014 at 4:29 PM · Report this
49
You're the one who tried to pretend you were outraged by something that, in fact, never happened.
Posted by bigyaz on January 10, 2014 at 4:32 PM · Report this
50
Michael Bolton's Can I Touch You... There? The creepiness of that song is indescribable. Whenever I hear it (usually while stuck in a waiting room full of people with so-called easy listening music playing) I feel like a kid watching a movie with his parents when a sex scene comes on.
Posted by Joe Glibmoron on January 10, 2014 at 4:59 PM · Report this
Dougsf 51
This list of terrible songs is too long, and I have little control over how and when I die. I can, however, control what my motion-activated urn plays from the mantel it rests upon, which of course will be the sax solo from Baker Street.
Posted by Dougsf on January 10, 2014 at 5:03 PM · Report this
52
@32
That's great! Zeppelin is the perfect last song choice! I've got Pandora set to Zeppelin Radio, so, I'm good. (Unless Pandora slips in some lame song at that unfortunate last minute.)
Posted by Senor Guy on January 10, 2014 at 6:03 PM · Report this
Fnarf 53
@21, you're probably going to want to avoid flying over the Forum in LA right now, then.

http://la.curbed.com/archives/2014/01/th…
Posted by Fnarf http://www.facebook.com/fnarf on January 10, 2014 at 6:07 PM · Report this
54
Since Ellen Forney performed this piece with an almost identical script at Town Hall recently it is hard not to suspect a little possibly inadvertent plagiarism.
Posted by rainandkale on January 10, 2014 at 6:21 PM · Report this
ScrawnyKayaker 55
Fucking Billy Joel.
Posted by ScrawnyKayaker on January 10, 2014 at 8:01 PM · Report this
ScrawnyKayaker 56
@17 Yikes, that is a horror story!

@18 I'll just leave this here...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8P25RMjxn…
Posted by ScrawnyKayaker on January 10, 2014 at 8:05 PM · Report this
TVDinner 57
@40: First you say Randy Newman songs aren't that bad when they're sung by other people (I might concede the point), then you say there's a great Bacharach interpreter? PHILISTINE!
Posted by TVDinner http:// on January 10, 2014 at 8:25 PM · Report this
Tabula rasa 58
Billy fucking Joel.
Posted by Tabula rasa on January 10, 2014 at 8:37 PM · Report this
59
Eric Clapton's gawd-awful Wonderful Tonight.
I can't believe I just wrote those wretched words.
Posted by kerala on January 10, 2014 at 9:18 PM · Report this
60
@40 - shitting on music that has proven popular is hardly controversial in Seattle. It is a tiresome cliche.
Posted by DawginExile on January 10, 2014 at 9:23 PM · Report this
61
And Randy Newman's Sail Away is fucking genius. Political Science!
Posted by DawginExile on January 10, 2014 at 10:26 PM · Report this
62
I think you have all forgotten about Bobby Goldsboro's "Honey". Seriously, check it out. Worst song ever written.
Posted by dalefarnham on January 10, 2014 at 10:36 PM · Report this
63
I feel like I'm dying anytime I'm subjected to fucking Radiohead.
Posted by psychic, powerless... on January 11, 2014 at 1:01 AM · Report this
Megan Seling 64
@54 I swear it was a coincidence. I didn't see Ellen's comic or performance, but I am fan of her work! And now I feel like a jerk for inadvertently ripping her off, especially when she wrote about the subject better (as linked to in @32).
Posted by Megan Seling on January 11, 2014 at 7:57 AM · Report this
stephanie says 65
99 Luftballons. ugh.
Posted by stephanie says on January 11, 2014 at 8:38 AM · Report this
HellboundAlleee 66
The "Bing Bang" song, from the soundtrack to "Lazy Town."

Bing bang diggiriggidong
First thing that I say after I wake up.
Bing bang diggiriggidong
I say those words before I go to sleep.

Get on up it's time to dance yeah.
It's so much fun being up on our feet

Posted by HellboundAlleee http://hellboundalleee.blogspot.com on January 11, 2014 at 10:28 AM · Report this
67
I'm pretty sure Enya's Orinoco Flow plays on a loop in hell.
Posted by originalcinner on January 11, 2014 at 10:56 AM · Report this
68
The Joker - Steve Mill Band

If I'm dying there's a good chance I literally could not stand to hear that song one more time.
Posted by shyrock on January 11, 2014 at 11:01 AM · Report this
69
It's a Small World.

Go through that ride at Disney, and it's stuck in your head for weeks. I would hate to have that looping in my head in my final moments.

Orinoco Flow is a close contender.
Posted by Lymis on January 11, 2014 at 12:33 PM · Report this
70
@47 ditto Nickelback
Posted by NomadontheGo on January 11, 2014 at 7:34 PM · Report this
owlish 71
Steve Winwood.
Posted by owlish on January 12, 2014 at 11:30 AM · Report this
72
Nine Inch Nails - Even Deeper

"afraid to look
as clear as day
this plan has long been underway
I hear them call
I cannot stay
the voice inviting me away"
Posted by McG on January 12, 2014 at 6:08 PM · Report this
73
Nine Inch Nails - Even Deeper

"afraid to look
as clear as day
this plan has long been underway
I hear them call
I cannot stay
the voice inviting me away"
Posted by McG on January 12, 2014 at 6:12 PM · Report this
74
If Nickelback started playing in the last moments right as Mother Theresa died... all her good works? Gone. *shiver*
Posted by happy time on January 20, 2014 at 1:10 AM · Report this
75
oingo boingo - weird science...
Posted by bigjezza on January 22, 2014 at 2:53 PM · Report this

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