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Friday, January 17, 2014

The Answer to the 99 Tunnel Problem: It's Totally Obvious, and Involves the Word "Plex"

Posted by on Fri, Jan 17, 2014 at 1:12 PM


So Bertha the digging machine may be permanently stuck. And the SR 99 tunnel project may be scrapped for good. Dominic Holden said he thought it might be time to turn it into a skate park. It’s true, since they’ve already spent 11 quatrillion dollars, they need to make some of it back. I have an idea that may be of some monetary assistance. We have 1,019 feet of existing tunnel that’s what, six stories high? A skate park is good, but let’s flesh this out.

The answer to the tunnel problem is: a funplex with dinner theater. We could call it The Big Hole. Or Bertha’s Place? And charge out the ass for everything, because people will pay. If you feel like skateboarding, rent some knee pads at an extremely high fee.

We’re talking a multi-use, dinner-theater arena. Agatha Christie mystery dinner theater/paint ball/petting maze/smash putt/wave pool/Nerf stadium. With 30 brand new skee-ball machines. It will also be a sports book gambling center, and have nine miles of electronic slot track car racing. They’ll make their money back in no time.

1,000 Foot Mystery Tunnel Theater starts each evening with some light appetizers, such as bacon-wrapped dates, and watered-down vodka sodas. Murder on the Orient Express begins, as do mild skate-park activities. Train sounds are pumped throughout. Actors do scenes. We’re supposed to be on a train. There’s going to be a murder. (Steve Pool will probably guest star.) Butlers mingle and serve crackers with goudas and pimento spread. Everyone is suspicious. You don’t know which butlers are actors and which butlers are butlers. Are there butlers on the Orient Express? If you don’t like the way the butler-actor is serving your crackers, you can pull out your automatic paintball weapon, which you rented for $45 when you came in, and splatter the butler with bright-colored pellets that cause bruises and welts on contact. Then you can dive behind a padded baffle. All butlers wear protective goggling. For a nominal fee, they will engage you in a paintball skirmish. This is a gold mine of money waiting to happen.

Next, the lights go out, there’s a shriek, and when the lights come back on, one of the actors aboard The Scrapped 99 Tunnel Project Orient Express has been murdered. They’re not really murdered, it’s just an actor laying there on the ground with a fake knife sticking out of their chest and fake blood. Then another actor playing the inspector steps forward and announces, “Someone in this tunnel has committed a murder, no one is leaving until we find out who did it.”

Then a maze drops down from the ceiling, and farm animals are piped in through trap doors. So you’re walking around a maze with sheep and goats. (Again, TOTAL GOLD MINE.) The lights go into strobe mode and there’s another shriek and “murder.” This new Nine Inch Nails song comes on the sound system very loudly. You’re in a maze with sheep and chickens and strobe lights, and butlers serving pimento. Just feeling it. You’re jacked up off the Nine Inch Nails, firing off your paintball gun into the air, and at groups of people trying to solve the murder.

If you want, you can climb inside Bertha—it's there, after all, and it's made up to be the locomotive of the train. There's a live-action real train whistle that you can pull for $9.

Oh, and there’s a ski run with fake snow. You can ski if you want. If they can fucking ski in Dubai, we can ski in the tunnel. It's really expensive. But what's money?

The center of the maze is where the wave pool happens. At some point the maze rises back to the rafters, the animals exit, and the groundwater the tunneling crew had been dealing with is pumped in, heated and chlorinated. You ride some waves, take some shots with your paint weapon at the inspector actor, pet a sheep that’s floating around, eat pimento, do the slot track cars, play skee-ball, win a cheaply made stuffed banana doll, shoot your weapon some more, and solve a murder. At various points, Steve Pool steps out onto a platform and does the weather.

Guaranteed financial stability for our city for years to come.


Comments (18) RSS

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Mittens Schrodinger 1
Why must we be forced to read Trent Moorman's robo-fueled fever dreams?
Posted by Mittens Schrodinger on January 17, 2014 at 1:27 PM · Report this
tabletop_joe 2
If they can figure out emergency exits, this idea is the ticket.

Posted by tabletop_joe on January 17, 2014 at 1:29 PM · Report this
Trent Moorman 3
No one's forcing you to do shit, Mittens. Enjoy your complimentary vodka soda for $8.
Posted by Trent Moorman on January 17, 2014 at 1:31 PM · Report this
unknown_entity 4
I still don't understand how the machine is totally and completely stuck. They managed to remove the Costa Concordia in one piece, there must be some way to pull Bertha backwards.
Posted by unknown_entity on January 17, 2014 at 1:43 PM · Report this
Posted by Todd Hamm on January 17, 2014 at 2:04 PM · Report this
They should build a miniature Space Needle in there.
Posted by Narbles on January 17, 2014 at 2:09 PM · Report this
Akbar Fazil 7
@4, the way I understand it is this:
-Bertha is a certain width. It takes out the same width of tunneling as it goes.
-Supports and such are laid in behind the drill.
-Those supports now make the hole/tunnel less wide than the drill itself is making it impossible to back it out.
-The drill itself doesn't even go backwards, it only goes forward.
Posted by Akbar Fazil on January 17, 2014 at 2:27 PM · Report this
Dougsf 8
Damn, that's one cocky-ass drill that only goes forward.
Posted by Dougsf on January 17, 2014 at 2:49 PM · Report this
Pope Peabrain 9
Giant Raves!
Posted by Pope Peabrain on January 17, 2014 at 3:00 PM · Report this
Masi 10
You could probably charge more to ring the train's whistle. People will be in there looking at Bertha the entire time. They are going to really want to ring that whistle.

You also forgot to put frisbee golf in there. A frisbee golf course will drive the value WAY up.
Posted by Masi on January 17, 2014 at 3:24 PM · Report this
@8 True, true.

I keep thinking back to the photograph of the smug city council celebrating after the last vote on the tunnel went down and the only obstacle left was an eight-inch pipe. They pushed really, really hard for the tunnel, even Licata, of all people. How do they feel about it now?
Posted by floater on January 17, 2014 at 5:24 PM · Report this
Let me amend @11. The eight-inch pipe is the only obstacle left *that we know about*.
Posted by floater on January 17, 2014 at 5:25 PM · Report this
Is this the kick-ass playground that Goldy has been looking for?
Posted by Charlie Mas on January 17, 2014 at 6:18 PM · Report this
WTF did I just read?
Posted by Hanoumatoi on January 18, 2014 at 4:34 AM · Report this
What? No weed sales in The Hole??? I think that is where the money will be anyway.....
Posted by pupuguru on January 18, 2014 at 11:20 AM · Report this
Well I've been telling people,,, I start and stop the,,,,in 1008,,, and no one would listen and,,,,, Mr. Yesler... At Yesler way.... He used to.... Don't trains boilers... Old railroad cars,,, and I did tell the state this.... You have seen nothing yet... I was little the city... Your 525 buildings at risk... Company has no catastrophic insurance... State forgive them for this..... To work my words folks.... Your taxes... On average home... Will go up by 40%.... Shame on you for letting this happen.....
Posted by ed plute on January 18, 2014 at 12:01 PM · Report this
Mike Smith 17
Can we just have the Seahawks fans yell loud enough to shake the drill loose so it can go on?
Posted by Mike Smith on January 18, 2014 at 1:50 PM · Report this
Anna Anna Anna 18
I have wanted to be in a maze with sheep and strobe lights for nearly 10 yrs now. See, I'm not the only one.
Posted by Anna Anna Anna on February 8, 2014 at 5:32 PM · Report this

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