You deserve an entourage, and anyone who doesn’t see that can set their dick on fire. I’m assembling your entourage now, because I want a turkey in my pants. Nothing smothers flames like a whole raw turkey. What I mean, or course, is that I believe in you.

“It’s weird how all the movies that play in this theater are documentaries about birds, but none of them are about the bird that lives in the theater. Actually it really bothers me,” was what I said when asked why I watch nothing but porn.

The Iron Lady only has two things going for it: one, of course, is Meryl Streep's performance; two, it ends with one of the most beautiful and perfect pieces of music ever composed, Bach's "Prelude in C Major."

Something John Cage would've appreciated—a pianist performs "the world's ugliest music," which happens to be the world's perfect submarine ping.

To see how that works—it has to do with mathematics, repetition, and what brains perceive as beautiful—check it out:

h/t ArtsJournal.

The season lineup is huge—dozens upon dozens of concerts and events (Bill Cosby is coming, y'all)—so I've pasted the full release on the jump. But the highlights are:

1. A new series called [untitled], of late-night contemporary music in the lobby at Benaroya Hall. There are three of these concerts; they start at 10 pm on Fridays. The first, in October, celebrates the 50th anniversary of the World's Fair in Seattle with pieces composed in 1962, including Ligeti's Poeme symphonique for 100 metronomes (!). This same program also celebrates the 100th birthday of John Cage with his Variations III. In February, Schoenberg gets the spotlight, with his Pierrot Lunaire plus chamber works by Jörg Widmann and Daniel Schnyder. And the final concert of the series features three world premieres by Seattle Symphony principals Ben Hausmann, Jordan Anderson, and Seth Krimsky, along with works by Anna Clyne and Chinary Ung.

2. The premiere of a John Luther Adams work called Beyond Ocean, which Seattle Symphony will then premiere at Carnegie Hall in 2014.

3. A repeat of Sonic Evolutions, the evening of classical music inspired by local non-classical musicians. This year, the non-classicals were Quincy Jones, Jimi Hendrix, and Nirvana. Next year, they're Alice in Chains, Blue Scholars, and Yes (no, Yes is not local, but it does have a local connection; and symphony players will be joined by Star Anna and the Laughing Dogs).

More...

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• PHOTO BY SUSAN WILSON
• Alexander Velinzon

The concertmaster position is arguably the most important after the music director in terms of shaping the sound of the orchestra. He's the music director's right-hand man (or woman, but in this case man); he leads the violins, helps to shape all the strings, and is responsible for seeing that the conductor's ideas get communicated clearly throughout the strings. He is a leader, a trusted deputy.

Velinzon was born in St. Petersburg and has been playing violin since the age of 6. He studied with the revered Dorothy DeLay at Juilliard, where he earned bachelor's and master's degrees. Since 2005, he has been assistant concertmaster with the Boston Symphony Orchestra.

This is my favorite comment music director Morlot makes in the press release: "I cannot wait to share many musical emotions with him on stage at Benaroya Hall." (It is so very French!)

Velinzon will start in June 2012. He succeeds Maria Larionoff, who left at the end of last season.

Have you heard him yet? Velinzon performed with the orchestra on the Rachmaninoff Symphonic Dances program on October 6 and 8, and also on the October 8 matinee family concert The Story of Babar.

Via Daily Swarm

This is how you deal with a fool who doesn't know well enough how to attend a classy classical concert. Bravo, Lukás Kmit!

Ezra Pound put it simply and sweetly:

Music begins to atrophy when it departs too far from the dance... poetry begins to atrophy when it gets too far from music.

The music performed by this boy is, as you can hear, too far away from the dance...

Three-year-old Jonathan conducts Beethoven. Well. While picking his nose sometimes.

(Thanks, Seattle Symphony on Twitter: seattlesymphony.)

Seriously. If you do not love a cello, there probably is something medically wrong with you.

This week, this city presents two notable cello-ccasions:

1. Christopher Frizzelle's calming and wonderful silent reading party at the Sorrento Hotel (Wednesday starting at 6). Have you done this yet? Do you know that silent reading is a modern invention?

2. Seattle Symphony Chamber Music Series's Sunday afternoon concert, featuring these familiar strains...

If you do both of these things this week, your mental health will be improved. No kidding.

Read Jen Graves' piece on new Seattle Symphony artistic director Ludovic Morlot:

They all say the same thing: We want to be more accessible. This music is universal. We listen to hiphop, too! This is your symphony. Then they take the stage and change nothing, bowing to the usual, deadly respectability that plagues classical concert halls.

This is what 2,500 people instinctively know when we take our seats at Benaroya Hall on Saturday night. It's a sold-out show and we have high hopes; we're here to witness a new beginning.

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Have you ever seen a full symphony orchestra rehearse? It's exhilarating!

Today, Seattle Symphony Orchestra's new conductor—37-year-old Frenchman Ludovic Morlot—begins a new tradition at Benaroya by holding an open rehearsal for members of the press. The next open rehearsals will be for anyone in the public to see, and it's part of Morlot's program to open up what he sees as the bunker-ness of Benaroya.

I imagine it will be somewhat different from this.