

If you polished off a bottle of Midori last night, you have a horrible hangover.
Most people don’t even remember whether the thing they ate last night was a hot dog. It becomes indistinguishable from the other oblong, condiment-covered details of the evening. Not that I dislike evenings—I hope by now you know anything I say involving condiments is meant as constructive criticism.
And with all that's happening, chances are you plan on attending one or two shows. And perhaps you're going to partake in an alcoholic drink (or five). But before you do anything, read Kelly O's Guide to Getting Drunk at Shows and heed the expert advice contained therein:
Sometimes Too Close Is Way Too Close
When you're sauced, boundaries melt away. One night, I was particularly drunk in the front row for Psychic TV at Neumos. All the Jäger bombs convinced me that Genesis P-Orridge was singing right into my face. I took off my necklace, a little toy machine gun, and handed it to Genesis. He accepted the gift, then leaned way down and planted a big, wet-lipped kiss right on my mouth. A couple months later, I got too close to Canadian punks Demon's Claws at the Funhouse. Headbanging in the front row, my hair got caught in the neck of the bassist's guitar. He laughed but never stopped playing.
Even more words of wisdom ("Don't Pick a Fight You Cannot Win") are waiting for you over here.
MUSICIANS! Look! This week's paper features the Rock-and-Roll Survival Guide, where we shine a light on some of the grimiest, darkest, and most confusing corners of the music industry.
Want to know how to tour without killing a bandmate? Emily Nokes of Tacocat tells you!
Want to hear about all the shitty jobs you might have to endure in order to eat while trying to make it as a musician? Lars Finberg of the Intelligence shares his stories!
Need some tips for drinking at shows without completely ruining your life or reputation? Kelly O knows all the secrets!
Want to get your music played on the radio? DJs from 107.7 the End and KEXP have some tips for you!
There are also informative interviews with record producer Erik Blood, Grammy winner Ishmael Butler, and the Crocodile's talent buyers Melissa Darby and Hunter Motto.
But that's not all: Bree McKenna invades three local practice spaces and uncovers a Seattle landmark even more disgusting than the infamous Wall of Gum. It's a WALL OF MUCUS:

Do you ever wonder what happens to a person after the fame and fortune of making The Stranger's Drunk of the Week? Well, I can tell you, at least, in the case of Lady Vampire Banana, she has become a "HE" (that's Mister Banana now, thank you) and has been recording new rap tracks.
Move over Nicki Minaj!
Booze wins, and he loses at the 0:40 mark.... but then he comes back!
h/t to T-Cookie, the cookie-est cookie that ever cooked.
Get all your friends together at a house with a big screen, and drink every time this guy says "Oh my God!" or "Oh Shit!" Also, drink every time a car slides into other cars, and every time someone fails to tap their brakes (what you're supposed to do) while sliding into other cars. Drink your whole drink when the other guy says "This is a fucking death trap up in here." Just think how much money you'll save after you walk to your favorite neighborhood bar.
Splash Lounge was all closed up tighter than Dick's hatband last night during normal operating hours. Perhaps it is gone forever. Our own Marti Jonjak ventured there in November and described it as "a typical Belltown joint" in her column:
...The space is neither large nor small, the interior neither dumpy nor extravagant, the happenings neither intriguing nor repulsive. It's stocked with sleek and bland furnishings; upon them rest customers wearing sleek and bland clothes. It's thronged on a Thursday night, and the crowd eases by, shouting conversations into each other's faces, sliding their bodies into yours. Don't bother telling your friend any complicated stories: Your thoughts will just shuffle away from you, leaving you staring into the middle distance, waiting for them to come back...
New Years Eve. I just stand in front of the champagne bottles and stare. I barely buy the stuff any other time of year. What's good, what's bad? Recommends? Can somebody please help me? Also, don't anyone say Cristal, 'cause I'm not even close to being that big of a baller.

First, someone just emailed me this video. Not sure about the song, but if that security cam video is for reals, that's the drunkest Santa I think I've ever seen. This footage should be downloaded and reused for other songs.
Secondly, and more importantly—have you heard either of Corey Brewer's (Cold Lake, Triumph Of Lethargy Skinned Alive To Death) Christmas Classic albums?
Sweet baby Jesus—they're the only albums you really need playing in the background of any holiday party. Check 'em out!
It happened "just as bars were closing early Saturday morning," KOMO reports. "The man reportedly tried to flee after the crash, but he couldn't get away because of the crowd."
Seattle Police Detective Renee Witt says "alcohol may have been a contributing factor in the collision."
Get ready! It's...
MMMHop. MMMHop IPA. Zac Hanson confirms:
“We of course make records—they are fundamental to what we do,” said Zac Hanson during a speech at Oxford University Union, according to the Toronto Star. “But we wanted to create a brand so that our fans have a greater experience... in fact, we are soon going to be selling our own beer.”
“I’m not even joking,” he added.
Other '90s-preteen-heartthrob-beverage-brands expected soon: Jonathan T-Ale-or Thomas, Devon Sawaweizen, and, um, someone help me think of one for Rider Strong.
All I got out of the experience is this rad bruise.

Looks like a tattoo of hashbrowns.
Seattle's most pimpish by far for my rap dollar, Cloud Nice/Alpha P veterano Jerm has an obscurer cut of his remixed into a sumptuously west "Lemon Kush version" by the great OC Notes. This puts me in the mind of the legend Suga Free, who would sound great next to Jerm. Ism!
On another note, if you've been enjoying OC spinning cuts at the Bad JuJu, you need to look for your good times elsewhere.
Meanwhile, The Physics (who launched their new website today) did a cut with the Juice Crew legend Craig G? Thig Nat comes hard and bemused at your best efforts, while the G drops science like "Me and Thig do it big, rock jewels from Tiffany's". Awesome. It kinda sounds like the gutter remix of "These Moments."
Black Sheep's leader Dres and A Tribe Called Quest's mostly silent fourth member Jarobi (the soul of the Tribe, as he was described in the Beats, Rhymes & Life doc) are apparently making an album together due out next year. Here's a track called "PTI (OCCUPY WALL STREET)":
01 - Dres and Jarobi - PTI (OCCUPY WALL STREET) ProdBy DJBazookaJoe by DJ Bazooka Joe
I'm not at all mad at this! Old heads like to shout and sometimes it's wack like your parents screaming on you but it all works right here. The line about "Occupy NiggerHead" is GOLD.
Lastly, watch The (motherfucking) Death Set drink and puke and drink and puke and party as they remix this song and video:
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but in the words of Richard Fariña: "Its a long long way down to Reno Nevada, it's a long long way to your home." Apparently, the journey back was too much for Seattle's favorite porcine mammary; Tit Pig has decided to split after a particularly chaotic night of unmentionable antics in the biggest little city on the last leg of their tour.
Heshers all across King county may be shedding a tear, but don't despair; Singer Sean Prawn tells me there are new projects in the works. I was talking to one of their fans Ben Cissner about it, who said, “You should mention that on the bright side, we won't have to grit our teeth through a strained sophomore concept album.” “But Ben...they don't even have a freshman album...I think they just had a tape” “That’s why it’s funny”
So goodbye sweet Tit Pig, we barely knew ye.
I'm sorry to get all POLITICAL on Line Out! No really, I'm sorry.
It's going to be a long weekend, especially if you went out last night for one of the many great shows. It's really important that you pace yourself so you don't become this guy. And I'm not just taking about his fauxhawk.