There are precisely three events we’re concerning ourselves with at this juncture. They are as follows. Please pay attention!

AUDIOASIS at the Sunset Tavern!
Get your funky little butt over to Ballard circa 6 pm if you hanker to indulge yourself in the newest installment of KEXP’s beloved live broadcast, Audioasis. (And you DO! Oh, you KNOW you DO!) The bands showcased this evening will include Black Whales, Vs., and Feral Children. Hosted by the ever delightful Hannah Levin! Tickets through www.brownpapertickets.com. Top drawer! Ballard-y! KEXP-y! Levin-y!

BACON STRIP at Re-Bar!
Oh, calm down, it’s not like it doesn’t happen once a month. This fresh new installment marks Bacon Strip’s four year anniversary, and you can expect these dizzy freaks to go berserk. The theme is Superheroes. (Be a hero! Be a villain! Your choice! Prizes to the best costume!) As always, there will be bacon. 10:30 pm, Re-Bar. (1114 Howell Street.) It’s $5.00 with costume, $7.00 without. Nude? FREE! (But you might spend the night in jail. Sounds worth it.) Bacony!

WESLEY HOLMES and BMP at The Baltic Room!
Something called “Crème de la Crème Productions” (I’m drawing a blank) is putting on the dancey event, featuring the famous DJs Wesley Holms and BMP. The cover is $6 before 11 pm, a whopping $8 after. 1207 Pine Street, starting at 9 pm. Funky!

You guessed it…TONIGHT!

Who has time to do all these fabulous things? WHO?

TASTERS CHOICE w/Kristina Childs & DJ Verse!
The Capitol Club tonight will pulse and throb to the sex-sex-SEXY beats of resident DJ Verse and guest star DJ Kristina Childs. 414 E. Pine. No cover!

FIRST FRIDAY in The Blue Room at Trinity w/Special Guest DJ Eva!
Freshly back from a whirlwind European tour, DJ Eva spins some very special new so-called “jams”. And I don’t think she means jelly. (Who spins jelly anymore? I ask you.) 10pm. No cover!

SONYA'S SIRENS at Sonya's!
Yes, Sonya's. Bar and Grill. Downtown. I never go down to Sonya’s anymore, because I find it rather wretched, but this just might drag me out (har, har)…tonight they are hosting a glittery, boys-in-dresses-drenched Burlesque/Cabaret, featuring Ben DeLaCreme, Lucky Penny, Bunny Monroe, and more! Dazzling. 1919 First Avenue 8pm, $15.

KiILL CANCER COMEDY SHOW at The Pike Place Maket Theatre!
Don't let the confusing title of this event confuse you—all you really need to know is that a) cancer sucks and b) some very smart people are getting together tonight to bring you some big funny. Procedes go to beloved Seattle film community fixture Rich Cranor, who lamentably has contracted the dreaded Big "C". (In his "Bs" no less! Poor bastard.) Pike Place Market Theatre (1428 Post Alley), 8pm, $12.

TAINTED LOVE at The Eagle
CHEAP and DIRTY! Tonight DJ UP-ABOVE is hosting and 80's night at the naughty, naughty Eagle. The doors are at 9pm, the cover is only $3, and you shouldn’t go to this event unless you are GAY and your sensibilities run toward the quite FILTHY. Madame, you’ve been quite warned. 314 East Pine. Doors at 9pm. $3 cover. Like I just said.

SAM Remix!
The biggest event of all tonight is the new installment of SAM Remix. This huge multimedia extravaganza features dancing, DJs, myriad random performances and activities. Seattle Art Museum, 1300 First Ave. 8pm. $10. (Fags mention Seattle Out and Proud (SOAP) for $5-off the cover.) This is an 18 plus event.

Well? Get to it.

Tonight!

Foremost amongst these is something called “Magnum VIII, Get your Trick On”—a terrifyingly gay, gay, GAY burlesque and art show and dance party hosted by the towering Sylvia O’Stayformore at Re-Bar.

The event includes erotic art, dancing, an amateur porn called “Filth Element”— allegedly banned from this years HUMP because the film looked "too good to be considered amateur" (or so the legend goes—bwahahahaha!)—Waxie Moon, something called an “Otter-Pop”, and so forth. Plus costume prizes! 10:30pm, $8, Re-Bar 1114 Howell. GHOULISH!

For the lesbocentric, The Wild Rose (God bless it) is hosting their highly costumed Halloween extravaganza called Le Freak, starting at 9pm at, featuring the dancetastic dancey-ness of the DJs Amateur Youth, Blü, Julia & Teenburger. Costume Contest Zombie Dance-Off! Prizes by Vain! JESUS! $5 Cover! 1021 East Pike Street. HORRIFYING!

Off the beaten path (i.e. somewhere in West Seattle, which I guess they’re calling “Youngstown” these days) is the 15th annual Hive Mind Halloween! The lineup of DJs is extensive (over 12 in all!), it starts at 9pm, and don’t come without $20, because that’s the cover. The address is 4408 Delridge Way SW. DEVILISH!

Tonight also marks the opening of The Living Room, a teeny-tiny new little bar (just about the size of your average, yes, living room that features the scary talents of DJ Riz (Rollins), DJ Lady Schick and DeVo! No cover, spinning starts at 8pm, 1355 East Olive Way. PETRIFYING!

Happy Halloween! TONIGHT!

BOO! Lot’s to do.

First and foremost, this dark, unholy, and most fabulous night unleashes upon the emotionally unprepared world COMEBACK, Annual Halloween Edition at Chop Suey! It’s the slutty gay dance Hallows Eve event to be reckoned with, featuring the ever-so-spinny spinnings of superstar DJs Fucking in the Streets, Colby B and PonyBoy, and also featuring special performances by the lunatics who brought you this thrilling mess…

$7 at the door, event at 9pm!

THEN! Positively the newest event on the calendar tonight is Positive at Re-Bar —a club party for boys and girls both gay and straight who are HIV+. Costume contest, celebrity judges, and the DJs Barbarella and Problematic. $5, 9 pm, 1114 Howell.

And! For the very rich who can float the $25 ticket price, there’s The BUMP, the venerable old annual Halloween Party at the Showbox. This year features DJs King and Kyler and performances by Pure Cirkus—plus, a convinient drunk-enabling shuttle running from Capitol Hill every 20 minutes! (Pick up spots are The Rosebud, The Elite, Julia’s on Broadway, Martin’s off Madison, and RPlace.) Doors at 9pm, $25 a the door. 1426 1st Avenue. Scary!

(OH! And FOLLOWING the BUMP is the GRIND [appropriately enough] an after party at spooky Chapel, from 1am-6am. It’s another $12 at the door to get in if you don’t have BUMP tickets—with an unspecified discount if you’ve got them. 1600 Melrose Avenue. Can you afford it? BOO!)

Tonight!

• Caliente? Muy! Muy!

Tonight brings you FUEGO, the Latino dance night at The Wild Rose!

The DJs Lady Jane and Sodown will be spinning, and it's "cheap date night", so you know what that means. Bring your cheapest date! (Also, no cover, $2 drinks and cheap, delicious Wild Rose food, too.)

Queer? Latin? VAMANOS!

Tonight!

(Wild Rose is a 1021 East Pike Street, event gets going at 9pm.)

For "people" like me—dark, peculiar, alienated things that live off the souls of children and alley rats—Halloween is every. Fucking. Day. The rest of you pink, squiggling, living things only tend to get your goat-porking devilry on but once a year. Tragic business!

But fortunately for all, the Unholiest of Holidays lands on a weekend this year, and the darkness and weirdness and costumey-ness begins early, tonight in fact, with Hard Time’s John Waters themed Halloween party at The War Room. Undead Divines? Mutilated Edith Masseys? Zombie butthole vocalists? Dog poop canapé? What can one possibly expect of a group of people who dress like this…

• Scary! (Pic by Kevin Kauer)

...on any given regular old not-angry-spirit-of-the-damned-sanctioned day? I ask you. (Plus there's money for the best costume! MONEY!)

War Room, 10pm, $5 ($7 after 11pm), 722 East Pike Street.

If you hate John Waters, a) kill yourself, you suck too much live and b) go instead perhaps to the glamorous Triple Door Lounge, where there shall be “spooky mid/downtempo” eleactronica to enjoy, spun by DJs Adlib, Kadeejah Streets, and Snap, and an even spookier Halloween costume contest! (And this way, if your costume fizzles, you can reinvent yourself before the actual day. Ingenious!) 9pm. 216 Union Street. 21+. No cover!

Boooonight!

Tonight the Capitol Club is celebrating all things Libra (ie: stoic and judgmental) with a host of some of my very favorite DJs, including Barbarella (Lisa Damm) and Verse (Josh Roberts) and Freakazoid (Chris Williams). It's going to be fa-fa-fabulous—I just hope no actual damn Libras show up. (PISCES RULE!) 414 East Pine Street, no cover.

ALSO! Open Circle Theater (my favorite Seattle fusion of BOOZE and THEATER and BOYS IN DRESSES) premiers their manic and spoofy Walker Texas (Chainsaw Massacre) Ranger tonight, featuring the so-called "talents" of all OCT's weirdoes and freaks (Craig Trolli! Jayson Potter!), and whiskey. Discretion forbids that I should say more. 2222 2nd Ave (above Shorties), 10pm, $10, TWO NIGHTS ONLY!

Starting...TONIGHT!

Trouble!

Fresh off the release of his amazing DFA 12", Space Fortress, ALTAIR NOUVEAU visits Seattle for the first time in over a year.

Renowned for his collection of amazing cosmic tunes, as well as his prowess at the turntables ALTAIR NOUVEAU sets always put spacey funk in your booty and send you off to another galaxy.

$5, Re-Bar (114 Howell), tonight!

The drunkest I ever got in my life was at Chapel. I’m not sure how it happened—drinks just kept appearing. I woke up the next day with blood on my eye (not mine), one lens of my eyeglasses MIA, and no clue how the hell I actually got home (but somehow my jacket was neatly hung up). I vaguely recall talking to the cops, and peeing in a bush. It was the best night of my life.

Tonight at Chapel, where epic drunks occur, an event is happening called "Shaken Not Stirred." It is billed as, “A night of art, beauty and music,” featuring DJ's Zac & Shameless—"Downtempo, Rare Grooves and Beats.” The event also features an extended Happy Hour with cheap(er) booze (Chapel has never been what I’d call inexpensive) from 5pm-9pm & again 12am-2am. (Two happy hours! Happiness squared!) Proceeds go to Rise n’ Shine. (Chapel is at 1600 Melrose Street.)

Now, if you hate charity as much as I do, go instead to the Capitol Club for their Thursday Night DJ-fest, Thrifty, featuring DJ Problematic. The spinning starts at 9pm, and doesn’t stop until somebody throws up. A philanthropy free event! No cover. (414 East Pine Street.)

Or you could just do this damn thing, but only if your excessively desperate/nerdy/gay. (6pm, 1221 East Madison.)

Tonight!

If last night’s Comeback didn’t kill you, it only made you stronger. Now it’s time to face the beast again.

And tonight is the closing night of Billie Jean, the Legend at Open Circle Theater. Yes. It is.

Now, I realize that it seems most odd indeed that I keep bringing up, um, a damn theater thing as a nightlife issue, and yes. It is. So why do I do it? Why? WHY?

Because I feel it is important to stress that this is not theater like your thinking "theatre": all dressed up and Shakespeare and mom-and-dad’s-anniversary and $85 tickets and cab rides and Great White Way and “God I Hope I Get It!” and “STELLA!” and "Madeline Ashton? Talk about waking the dead!" and “I’m Dancing as Fast as I Can!” and $350 dinner beforehand and all that crap that strikes terror into the hearts of most sane persons who don’t like to be trapped for hours in rooms with geriatrics and overwrought vibratos.

What we are talking about here is a bunch of funny dudes in dresses who in acting skill rage from bad to bad to, well, I guess that one is pretty good…no, wait…bad. And the show itself? The writing, the concept, the execution? It is like a fat lady falling down a flight of stairs: in your sober state of mind, it’s unbearable to watch; after four drinks it’s the funniest fucking damn thing you’ve ever seen in your entire life, ever. After six drinks…who gives a good god damn anyway? You can yell at the stage. You’re encouraged to drink in your seat! (It's positively Elizabethan!) It’s all about late night spoofs and parodies— $12 Theatre of the Perverse Drunkard. A totally different beast altogether. A most fabulous, nitelifey beast! And tonight they are not only closing out Billie Jean (read my review here), they are offering a special double feature of a bunch of guys in dresses doing episodes of The Golden Girls, too! And it all ends tonight. And you'd be a damn fool to let it slip away.

• Scorch, Scorch, Scorch!

And that’s why. That’s why! (2222 2nd Avenue, 8pm, $12.)

Tonight also brings us the inimitable return of Cherry at Re-Bar, a DJ-driven club event so lesbian-drenched in its implications and so sexy in its execution that it only attracts the kind of scorching hot lesbian that makes my gay, gay manloins ache with confusion. DJs Mathematix and Amateur Youth headline, and the doors are at 10pm. (1114 Howell.) Five measly bucks. So if you’re a scorching hot dyke that confuses the hell out of me with five bucks that ain’t working too hard, you know where you’ll be.

TONIGHT!

• Creamy!

Yes, it’s Hard Times (War Room, 722 East Pike, 9pm, $5, yadda, yadda), but plus a big mystery!

Who exactly is this alleged “Ben Delacreme” man and/or woman? And why should his and/or her birthday usurp every inch of Hard Times (the theme!? The line-up!? The flier?!)! And why does it warrant an appearance by Jackie Hell? And the Guerrilla Go-Gos?

I haven't the frickingist clue. Do I live in a cave or something?

Whatever. I’d go to Hard Times if they were celebrating the birthday of a garbage bag and an old shoe. So. I guess it really doesn’t make all that much difference. (No offense.)

TONIGHT!

Fabulous!

Have you managed to experience the magick (yes, with a “k!”) of the new (improved!) Open Circle Theater yet? In Belltown, above Shorties, kinda? It’s an incredible spot, mocked up to look exactly like the original Open Circle Theater, featuring the seats from the old Hyperion Theater (RIP), the floor from ConWorks (also, RIP), and the bar (yes, the BAR! BOOZEY!) from the Speakeasy (RIP!!)…it’s Frankentheater! And since this is happening at Open Circle Theater this weekend (and next)…

…what better opportunity? I ask you. (2222 2nd Avenue, above, like I said, Shorties. Show at 8pm every Friday and Saturday, and runs through Saturday, September 26th!)

Then, for the very, very gay, performer Eric Himan will be doing his fabulous accoustic thing at, um, The Crescent (yes, The Crescent!) tonight at 10pm. (I hope his nose doesn't work. 1413 East Olive Way. Peee—u!) No cover.

And for those silly folks who generally prefer their “boys” in “boy’s clothes” and their “girls” in “girl’s clothes” and best enjoy their beats spun, not strummed, we have DJ L.A. Kendal working her magic at the Capitol Club starting at 10pm, also with no cover. And what more could one possibly ask? (Capitol Club is at 414 East Pine Street.)

Tonight!

DJ Barbarella. LA. Kendall. DJ Jack!

• HARD!

The War Room. (722 East Pike.) 9pm. $5. (You didn't forget, did you?) Get thee hence!