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Thursday, June 27, 2013

3 New Planets Have Been Found, Yoko Ono Unavailable for Comment, We Have Herbie Hancock

Posted by on Thu, Jun 27, 2013 at 11:33 AM

Today, Thursday, two items surface. One, is that three “super-Earths” or exoplanets have been found orbiting within the habitable zone of a star called Gliese 667C. The star is about one-third the mass of our Sun, and the three planets are larger than Earth, but smaller than Uranus or Neptune. It’s rather decent news for those seeking signs of extraterrestrial life. According to PhysicsWorld people, 80% of the stars in the Milky Way are similar. Who got lightspeed? Let’s get there before Starbucks and Walmart. In honor of these discovered super-Earths, we have Herbie Hancock’s 1974 Thrust. Listen and become liquificational with horns, cockpit synths, and primordial organelles. Herbie, the SkyKing, he who hath divided the long division long ago.

Let us find a small, warm pond on one of the super-Earths. Or areas of deep-sea, near hydrothermal vents, and become single-celled Archaea. Or let us not give a fucking fuck at all and become cyanobacteria, or blue-green algae. Let us trap nasty breakbeats within thin layers of sediment and sticky filaments, and grow upward in our photosynthesis.

The second truth of today is that 80 year-old Yoko Ono will be putting out a new album called Take Me to the Land of Hell on September 17th with her bandmates from Cibo Matto and Cornelius. The album features tUnEyArDs, ?uestlove, and Wilco's Nels Cline. The album’s opener “Moonbeams" begins with birds, and Yoko proclaiming, “Moonbeams melting into my bloodstream. Inventor is still protecting us (I think), covering our pain. Now I hear ice cracking slowly in my brain.” Moments later drums enter, and she screams for 60 seconds. Hell yeah, Yoko. Get that.

Yoko was unavailable for comment because she’s already on one of the super-Earth exoplanets of Gliese 667C. She’s set up a swampside barbecue pit and a deck with western exposure. She’s got an ice-chest full of tofu, a sit down Donkey Kong machine, and everything June Jordan and Charles Baudelaire ever put out. She forgot her lawn-chairs though, with the cup holders. So next one up, bring Yoko her lawn-chairs.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Really Cool Go-Gos Commercial

Posted by on Mon, Feb 11, 2013 at 5:36 PM

"Excuse Me, are those Bugle Boys you're wearing?

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Backstreet Boys Interview: The Hard Questions

Posted by on Wed, Aug 29, 2012 at 1:54 PM

  • T. Moorman
Backstreet Boys, the best selling boy band of all time, is reuniting for their 20th anniversary. Over the past 20 years, they’ve sold over 130 million albums. Now, they have a new album, and are doing a world tour. They're also getting a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame. This Friday, they play in New York’s Central Park at 8 AM (EST) for Good Morning America.

I made four calls attempting to interview Nick Carter. Finally someone talked to me. I’m not sure if it was Carter or not.

What the fuck are you doing?

We're beyond excited to perform for our fans for such a special occasion. Being back together again and seeing how excited the fans are, gets all five of us really energized for all of the great stuff coming up.

No really, what the fuck are you doing?


You heard me.

Actually I didn’t hear you.

You aren’t boys anymore.

- -

Friday, March 9, 2012

Re: Dolly Parton Dream. Thanks a lot, Nipper.

Posted by on Fri, Mar 9, 2012 at 1:20 PM

In a dream, Dolly Parton’s breasts became the Democratic and Republican parties. The left and the right. They debated constantly, contradicting, inciting, warring. She became supreme ruler of our land. Someone picketed with a sign that said, “ISLANDS IN THE PANGEA STREAM ARE NOT ISLANDS! THEY'RE SATAN. VOTE NADER."

The dream was a conveyor belt of flesh. Dolly made a speech in Dallas, Texas and said, “The vast womb of mother nature and mother culture has long nourished our growth, but now we are growing up against its limits. Whether in a body or on a planet, this is what triggers birth. We are rapidly entering a state of emergency. It is here that the feminine Yang takes over, bearing down and pushing us forward in a spontaneous and irresistible beat into a new world. We can no more imagine what this world will be like than a fetus can imagine the world outside the womb.”

People cheered and cried and kissed with tongue. Then Dolly stage dove. The action punctured both her breasts. Democratic and Republican parties were flattened. Kim Jong-un made a dubstep album. Our world vanished without a trace. 600 light years away, on a planet in a habitable zone, Kepler 22b, a mother cell buried in two feet of muck divided itself. Two millennia later, its daughters would become a vine.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

'Shoot The Cops' Vs. 'Film The Police'

Posted by on Wed, Dec 14, 2011 at 1:52 PM

The same timely sentiment, except the Blue Scholars said it first, and I think, best. Not only is "Shoot The Cops" more provocative as a statement and piece of wordplay than "Film The Police," I have some minor issues with seeing Sage Francis while I hear an NWA beat. But that's just me.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Miley Cyrus's Occupy Anthem

Posted by on Mon, Nov 28, 2011 at 12:46 PM

On her YouTube page, Miley Cyrus writes:

"This is Dedicated to the thousands of people who are standing up for what they believe in. Miley Cyrus"


Tuesday, November 8, 2011

David Crosby and Graham Nash Will Perform at Occupy Wall Street Today

Posted by on Tue, Nov 8, 2011 at 8:57 AM

That's nice of them, but every time I hear the name "David Crosby," I can only think of the last verse from "The Thing That Only Eats Hippies" by The Dead Milkmen.

What do they taste like—some kinda treat?

How many hippies can this monster eat?

It ate Stills and Nash before they could shout.

And then it chewed on David Crosby—but it spit him out!

Friday, November 4, 2011

Addendum to Songs for the Revolution: Anika "Masters of War"

Posted by on Fri, Nov 4, 2011 at 11:11 AM

Last week we compiled some songs for the Occupation. I'd like to add another to that: Anika's cover of Bob Dylan's "Masters of War." First of all, we know that Dylan is an overrated, pretentious prick, and his version is way old and about the Vietnam War. Anika's cover adds much: There's something defiant and militaristic about dub—maybe it's those menacing bass lines that always feel like they're sneaking up on something. Add the monolog from a U.S. soldier from the other occupation—abortion/trainwreck in Iraq. Have a listen:

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

RE: Mailbag: Every Revolution Needs Its Anthem [Cont.]

Posted by on Tue, Oct 25, 2011 at 3:42 PM

I see yours, Grant and James, and raise you Blur's "We've Got a File on You".

The band had this thing nailed down eight years ago and it gets its point across in an instantly yellable, relevantly paranoid, and even more concise six words and 62 seconds.

We've got a file on you
We've got a file on you
We've got a file on you
We've got a —
On you.

RE: Mailbag: "Every Revolution Needs Its Anthem"

Posted by on Tue, Oct 25, 2011 at 9:32 AM

In the comments section of Grant's post from yesterday, there are a couple good suggestions (Lee: nice call on the Born Against) and also a bunch of crap that, um, might as well be Muse.

Let me help you guys out. Wire had this thing nailed down 34 years ago; "Mr. Suit" is decidedly not sophisticated, but it does get its point across in a rather concise 85 seconds.

I'm tired of being told what to think
I'm tired of being told what to do
I'm tired of fucking phonies
That's right, I'm tired of you
No, no, no, no, no, no, Mr. Suit
You can take your fucking money
and shove it up your arse
'Cause you think you understand,
but it's a fucking farce.
I'm tired of fucking phonies
That's right, I'm tired of you
And if you turn and walk out that door
And take your fucking money,
let me tell you what it's for
I'm tired of fucking phonies
That's right, I'm tired of you

This one. I choose this one.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Reading These Occupy Wall Street Missed-Connections Poems...

Posted by on Mon, Oct 24, 2011 at 2:27 PM the New York Times, it's hard not to think of that one song from Hair. Here's a red-haired high schooler singing it:

Mailbag: "Every Revolution Needs Its Anthem"

Posted by on Mon, Oct 24, 2011 at 1:34 PM

The letter reads:



Every revolution needs its anthem—in lieu of something better, I think people sitting in Wall Street should hear Muse's "Uprising" frequently played on portable CD players."

Then I accidentally ran over it with my rolling desk chair. See our list of songs for the revolution in this week's issue, out Wednesday. Until then, what's your revolution song?

DJs Riz, Michael Manahan, and Ramiro Announced for Wednesday Occupy Event at Westlake Park

Posted by on Mon, Oct 24, 2011 at 11:12 AM


You will know the venerable DJ Riz from KEXP, and possibly because he's one of the most lovable and gregarious folks around town. Riz, along with Michael Manahan (Starborne/Decibel), and Ramiro (Uniting Souls) will spin tunes from 6 pm to 9pm, on Wednesday, a time that's typically been during the week's low point in attendance. LET'S DO THIS.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Re: Bruise on John Stanier's Arm

Posted by on Fri, Oct 14, 2011 at 11:51 AM

Additional adjective map artwork by Christopher Frizzelle.
  • Additional adjective map artwork by Christopher Frizzelle.

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