
Ron Jeremy will be in Seattle appearing in two, count 'em TWO different locations to promote his new spiced rum called Ron de Jeremy. First, tomorrow April 26th, Linda's Tavern will host R.J. who will also play DJ, spinning his "favorite party jams," starting at 8 o'clock. Linda's also promises a footlong hot dog called the "Hedgehog Dog" and something else called a "Dark and Horny."
Then, on Saturday the 27th, Jeremy will launch his rum (did I just type that?) at Wine World, from 4-7 pm, selling and signing bottles of his new booze.
Both are free. Will you go?

EDS NOTE: Says Slogger and Lineout-er, Violet DaGrinder, "I wrote a guide to Prince's dirty songs for a friend of mine, in honor of his tour, where he won't be probably playing any of them. I thought the Prince fan(s) at The Stranger might appreciate it."

Cream—wherein Prince jacks off in front of a mirror
Insatiable—wherein Prince cajoles you into making a sex tape, which he will definitely edit into something tasteful
Electric Chair—wherein Prince tells you that what he has planned for you is technically punishable by death, in a sexy way
I Wanna Melt With U—wherein Prince worries that he may have just statutory-raped you, because that's kiiiiind of a lot of blood, but as long you're cool with it, chorus verse bridge
Keep reading!

DANG, it's been a while since I've gone in for an arena-style show. What a weird vortex of radio-lovin' ultra-loungers and perpetual bachelorette parties. The endless corral of hormones and style was nearly too much to bear.
We infiltrated the mega-plex just in time to hear A$AP Rocky's hit about problems with fucking called "Fuckin' Problems." Everyone went crazy for that one, duh! After Rocky's set ended, the lights went on and the sound of Macklemore (and other contemporary hits) piped through the speakers almost as loud as the opening act. I watched, slack jawed, as a security dude sang and pantomimed every line of "Thrift Shop" without a hint of irony or self-consciousness. He resembled a chubby Eminem, he probably should have been listed on the bill as well.
After waiting like what seemed forever for Rihanna, we took an risky outdoor respite. She made a bunch of teenagers wait forever in Chicago, we knew we could be in the same boat. Outside we met a friendly man named Curtis, he told us that Madonna made him wait as well. He also mentioned that he loves his job at Teatro ZinZanni. "Eight hours there feels like one hour, it's awesome," he enthused. That's the mark of an ideal job!
Once we got back in, we had to move seats twice because no one knew how to sit in assigned seating. The crowd of today's youth made the rules free-form and post-apocalyptic. I mean, who is even going to enforce a seating chart? The Macklemore dancer?
Finally, Rhanna decided that our wait could come to an end. She was ready to begin.
Rihanna is a Very Beautiful and Fashion-Forward Young Woman™—no one could accuse her otherwise. Which also pairs well with the fact that every single song she has is about sex. Every dance move she does is about sex. And every costume she wears is about sex. And every backup dancer is made of sex. But not that flushed-in-the-face, happy, oh man I love sex sort of sex... it was more... robotic. "I am sexy. I am grabbing my crotch. Now I'm shaking my hips. Fuck you." SO MUCH CROTCH GRABBING.

Here's the thing, I'm a lady—I'm a sex-positive, lady-positive kind of lady—and I want to support other ladies doing their ultra-successful thing, but there was just something so disconnected about it. I didn't feel empowered, I felt kind of... sad for her. All of that sex and just a Chris Brown turd to go home to.
So the hits were played (there's no denying her music is catchy-as-fuck—I still have "Rude Boy" stuck in my head), the crowd was fun to watch, and the spectacle was mind-blowing to take in. I couldn't stop thinking about how much everything must have cost. And how seamless it had been when one of the backup dancers' bra tops came unclasped and she slipped on and off the stage without missing a beat. I seriously think that I may have been the only person in the 456,666,666 person crowd that noticed it. Other noticements:
- A girl behind us was asleep. Another girl was in tears.
- Rihanna's guitarist looked like Chris Angel with a Monster Energy tattoo on his bicep.
- Even Rihanna has a Skrillex haircut.
- I knew upside-down crosses and pentagrams were popular right now, but WHOA.
- You could actually feel heat from the on-stage fire bursts. It's hot! It was baffling that anyone's hair or costumes didn't start melting.
- The guy in front of us took a phone pic of two Rihanna tickets and posted it to InstaBook. The seat next to him remained empty the whole time.
(WaMu Theater) Alicia Keys is beautiful, talented, and, to my ears, boring as hell. But opener Miguel is beautiful, talented, and a veritable one-man thrill ride. Where Frank Ocean comes off cold and brainy, Miguel is pure heat. His voice can easily go anywhere it wants, so the man saves his energy for sex, which he celebrates with every cell in his being (especially those in his brain). The instructional "Use Me" will leave a wet spot under any listener with a pulse, while "Do You (Like Drugs)" seems like a question until the chorus, when Miguel drops "I'm gonna..." in front of the title. Swoon.
When faced with POPE GOSSIP THIS HOT last night, there was nothing left to do but make a Spotify playlist. It's an hour long, but there must be so many more songs that would be perfect for the Sexy Pope Gossip Playlist! Anything missing?
"Journalist David Gibson, who wrote the latest biography on Pope Benedict, said the Pope's resignation was likely due to numerous factors, mainly revolving around the internal problems of the Vatican, of which sexual shenanigans were likely one."
Black Hills, Dust Moth, and Slow Bird play tonight at Black Lodge. All Ages. $8. Someone said there might be balloons. Set times are: Slow Bird at 9:00, Dust Moth at 9:45, and Black Hills at 10:30. I spoke with Black Hills and Slow Bird about scratch-n-sniffs. The hard questions. Black Hills includes members of Minus the Bear, the Lonely Forest, and the Quiet Ones. Solid, sunned in songs. Allman Brothers-ish in a good way. Slow Bird posts and hoists post shoegaze indie-ness into the night sky.
Dust Moth is members of Eighteen Individual Eyes, These Arms Are Snakes, Shift, Undertow, and Sparkmarker. This is Dust Moth’s first show. The Dust Moth launches. Oil-fang sprung from insect haunches. Really excited to see and hear this band, as the teasers they’ve put up have not quenched enough.
(Slow Bird) What has Slow Bird been up to? What is your never-ending fight against?
Jennae Quisenberry: Slow Bird lately has been working on expanding our twitter impact while we await for our album to be hopefully released sometime this Spring. There may be balloons at the show tonight. Our song/sound-writing process is essentially a chronicle of our never-ending fight against a demonic bird that perpetually attempts to destroy our band. Little does he know all he needs to do is stub any toe on Matt's left foot.
If your music were a scratch n sniff scent, what would it be?
Laphroig. 18 year. Single malt peated whiskey from Islay. The most richly flavored scotch in the World. We're an acquired scent.
How has YouTube not put the smackdown on those BARE BOOOOOOBIES at the 3:54 mark?! Not that I *want* them to, but I've been kicked off of YouTube twice, on lesser boob violations. I guess YouTube is less strict, as long as
it's straight—no homo? Actor Ray Winstone even puts said bare boobie IN HIS MOUTH at 4:09 mark.
Also... Nick Cave is back? I like this song! Yah?
Video after the jump...
A heated discussion has left the Stranger offices almost literally torn in half. Some say Prince is still the pinnacle of all that is bangable, while others are convinced that Sting is where it's at. What do YOU think? Here are some pros and cons to study before participating in this important Friday night poll.
STING
Cons: Will never shut up about his hours-long sexcapades, therefore is probably bluffing. Oh, and the song "Desert Rose."
Pros: Google image search "Sting Dune."
He love you long time. -Dave Segal
PRINCE
Cons: Jehovah's Witnesses are not known for their prowess. Does he still insist on using that symbol?
Pros: Google image search "Prince butt."
He's like 3 feet tall. -Mike Nipper
I swear to GOD, I think residents Explorateur and Veins' sike/prog/weirdo/rock night, {{{¡DISTORTIONS!}}}, are destined to take over the Emerald Shitty and turn our grey, dank reality into some type of technicolor dream full of sunlight, flowers and smiles. Seriously. They seem to be playing every other night, and thusly are ownin' it like they BONIN' it. It's quite awesome, actually. That said, it is no surprise tonight's {{{¡DISTORTIONS!}}}, at Lo-Fi, is LOADED!
Right, so, in addition to Explorateur and Veins spinning, tonight's Lo-Fi edition features a LIVE music set from space-rock cadets, Tokyoidaho. But...that ain't all!! Tonight's special guest DJ is THEE Don McGreevy, who himself has a Monday night residency at West Seattle's West 5, as well as manning the drum thrones for Earth, Yada Yada Blues Band, and Master Musicians Of Bukkake. ALSO: tonight is acting as a CELEBRATION of THEE Don McGreevy's 40th birthday! Happy birfday and welcome to the club, Mac!
What if Nicki Minaj was a bear? Meet Big Dipper. Bear witness to the beef! Meaty-meat-meat, and NSFW.

GLITTER GLITTER BANG BANG
Tonight it is out of the theater and back onto the dance floor where we damn well belong, with Nicki Danger and Joey Veneziani, who are also known as Glitterbang. We haven't heard from Glitterbang for a spell, which is tragic, so if you've forgotten (as if), what they are is dark drizzly sex disco with electro pop edgings that make not dancing physically and psychologically impossible. With DJ Res, DJ Amateur Youth (who is really Lisa Orth), and DJ Porq (who is really Marcus Wilson). Really! Chop Suey, 9 pm, $10 suggested donation, 21+.
SATURDAY 11/16
AVENUE Q
Oh, crap, now it's off the dance floor and back to the theater. (PSYCH!) But trust me, we go for the most compelling of all reasons: filthy, filthy PUPPETS!
We are NOT effing around with the newest, most SIZZLINGEST edition of the Friday Night Giveaway. Answer this Line Out trivia question and WIN BIG:
What was the name of the child born and raised in the post office line while Utilikilt Man pulled packages out of his hippie cart?
The first hot shot to answer correctly will receive the following incredible prizes:
· A Justin Beiber singing toothbrush (plays the songs "Baby" and "U Smile")!
· A $4-off coupon for See's Candy (if you buy $40 worth, that is)!
· A rose necklace I found in Cal Anderson Park a long time ago!
· Two cough drop filled with cough suppressing goo!
· Birthday candles!
· TWO perfume samples!
· A pumpkin spice lollipop (that tastes like Bath & Body Works)!

In the first ad, a beautiful women (wind in her hair) pushes a cassette into her stereo shades (which look like the mirrorshades of William Gibson's fiction). The second, it is a CD.

Com Truise (Seth Haley) plays tonight at Chop Suey. The ’80s breaded, slow-mo, synth-loped funk will be planting enchanted cathodes into the Casio of your womb. Seth just spoke, breaking down thoughts about Tom Cruise. And fire.
Com Truise - Trying Times For The Indirect by goincase
What's your oldest memory? Scan back. What’s the first thing in your life you remember?
Oooh. That’s hard [pauses]. Let’s see [pauses some more.] In first grade, one of my classmates lit his desk on fire. And the teacher had to throw it out the window. That’s probably the first thing I can remember.
What do you have to say to Tom Cruise?
I’d say thank you for putting up with my shenanigans. And I’m a big fan of your work, I guess.
Good job in Top Gun.
Yeah. Definitely [laughs].
Does Tom Cruise know about Com Truise?
I don’t know. I’ve heard he has a son who is really into electronic music. There’s a slight possibility.
Tom Cruise seems like such a freak, with the whole Scientology thing, and interviewing for wives with his “people.” And how Katie Holmes had to basically escape the marriage, like she was escaping from Communist Russia in the 1970s. What do you think about him screening and interviewing girls to potentially be his next wife? No offense if you’re a big Scientologist.
No [laughs]. You know, I don’t really know too much about it to be honest. Last time I was in Tampa, FL on tour, I met up with some friends. We went to a bar, and it was across the street from one of the headquarters for Scientology. There were guards and stuff. So we took a picture in front of it. I’m not too familiar with the ins and outs of the practice. It seems pretty crazy to me, but hey, to each their own.
What is your favorite Tom Cruise movie?
It’s probably a toss up between Risky Business and Top Gun.
They’re coming out with a sequel to Risky Business. It’s hidden camera footage from the Scientology compound of them interviewing girls to be Tom Cruise’s wife. It's called Risky Business 2: You Don't Want To Know What The Fuck We Do Behind Closed Doors, So Have a Lemon Bar.
I’d watch that.
What is shocking is Lana Del Rey's new cover, and one of her interior photos, for the current issue of British GQ. Lana goes topless AND bottomless on the cover—then has an interior shot of a GQ staffer grabbing her breast with one hand, and her face with the other. Also of note, there's a three-finger pour—at least a DOUBLE-SHOT of brown booze in front of her (scroll down to the second photo here.)
I'm sorry, this interior shot, as a photograph setup: IT'S RAPE-Y. To me, it seems more rape-y than anything the Seattle Grrl Army has ever challenged as "RAPE CULTURE." I think the Grrl Army should paint every newsstand copy of
GQ pink. In fact, I double-dog dare them.
Throwing Down on the Puget Sound: Seattle rap artist, Raz drops his new video "Brave" with some North West flavah. Give the man some props, yo.
Gay Paris!: Do you like music? Do you like bagguettes and berrets? Do you wanna go to Paris? Then enter to win tickets and more to Pitchfork Music Festival Paris! Entries accepted until October 12th.
Discount Grind: Metal label, Earache is offering an 8GB USB stick stocked with almost 2,000 songs from their back catalog for only $160. Let the good times roll!
When Forever Comes Crashing: Good deals aplenty today! You can stream Converge's new album, All We Love We Leave Behind for free right here.
Try This At Home: Watch as this Rube Goldberg machine answers the age old question: How many people does it take to turn on a television?
Sexy Hulkster: Here's a drinking game: Every time Hulk Hogan mentions "Nick" or complains of a full belly in this edited sex flick, you knock one back. By the way, You're awesome.
Obama and Romney Get Their Song On: While you were hurling obscenities and empty beer cans at the televised presidential debates last night, the Gregory Brothers were busy compiling those soapbox statements into an auto-tuned visual orchestra.
So first, there's a video floating around teh internets of some Jehovah's Witnesses telling deaf people that it's really uncool for them to masturbate. Now, a bunch of wisecrackers are putting music to the silent original.
There's the R. Kelly. But I think it best shines with Gangnam Style.
Heyyyyyy sexy lady!
I had two schizophrenic friends named Paul, and the night they met they immediately sucked each other’s cocks on the floor at a party without saying a word to each other. I thought that observing people have sex made me a hipster, until I learned about marine parasites. I have never clung to a shark or whale to consume leftover food particles, but only because I haven’t had the opportunity.
Activism can happen at any age. Look at this "pussy riot" as performed by the Raging Grannies. Warning: Song contains adult language.