• Mat Hayward | mathaywardphoto.com

DANG, it's been a while since I've gone in for an arena-style show. What a weird vortex of radio-lovin' ultra-loungers and perpetual bachelorette parties. The endless corral of hormones and style was nearly too much to bear.

We infiltrated the mega-plex just in time to hear A$AP Rocky's hit about problems with fucking called "Fuckin' Problems." Everyone went crazy for that one, duh! After Rocky's set ended, the lights went on and the sound of Macklemore (and other contemporary hits) piped through the speakers almost as loud as the opening act. I watched, slack jawed, as a security dude sang and pantomimed every line of "Thrift Shop" without a hint of irony or self-consciousness. He resembled a chubby Eminem, he probably should have been listed on the bill as well.

After waiting like what seemed forever for Rihanna, we took an risky outdoor respite. She made a bunch of teenagers wait forever in Chicago, we knew we could be in the same boat. Outside we met a friendly man named Curtis, he told us that Madonna made him wait as well. He also mentioned that he loves his job at Teatro ZinZanni. "Eight hours there feels like one hour, it's awesome," he enthused. That's the mark of an ideal job!

Once we got back in, we had to move seats twice because no one knew how to sit in assigned seating. The crowd of today's youth made the rules free-form and post-apocalyptic. I mean, who is even going to enforce a seating chart? The Macklemore dancer?

Finally, Rhanna decided that our wait could come to an end. She was ready to begin.

Rihanna is a Very Beautiful and Fashion-Forward Young Woman™—no one could accuse her otherwise. Which also pairs well with the fact that every single song she has is about sex. Every dance move she does is about sex. And every costume she wears is about sex. And every backup dancer is made of sex. But not that flushed-in-the-face, happy, oh man I love sex sort of sex... it was more... robotic. "I am sexy. I am grabbing my crotch. Now I'm shaking my hips. Fuck you." SO MUCH CROTCH GRABBING.

• Mat Hayward | mathaywardphoto.com

Here's the thing, I'm a lady—I'm a sex-positive, lady-positive kind of lady—and I want to support other ladies doing their ultra-successful thing, but there was just something so disconnected about it. I didn't feel empowered, I felt kind of... sad for her. All of that sex and just a Chris Brown turd to go home to.

So the hits were played (there's no denying her music is catchy-as-fuck—I still have "Rude Boy" stuck in my head), the crowd was fun to watch, and the spectacle was mind-blowing to take in. I couldn't stop thinking about how much everything must have cost. And how seamless it had been when one of the backup dancers' bra tops came unclasped and she slipped on and off the stage without missing a beat. I seriously think that I may have been the only person in the 456,666,666 person crowd that noticed it. Other noticements:

- A girl behind us was asleep. Another girl was in tears.
- Rihanna's guitarist looked like Chris Angel with a Monster Energy tattoo on his bicep.
- Even Rihanna has a Skrillex haircut.
- I knew upside-down crosses and pentagrams were popular right now, but WHOA.
- You could actually feel heat from the on-stage fire bursts. It's hot! It was baffling that anyone's hair or costumes didn't start melting.
- The guy in front of us took a phone pic of two Rihanna tickets and posted it to InstaBook. The seat next to him remained empty the whole time.

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A heated discussion has left the Stranger offices almost literally torn in half. Some say Prince is still the pinnacle of all that is bangable, while others are convinced that Sting is where it's at. What do YOU think? Here are some pros and cons to study before participating in this important Friday night poll.

STING
Cons: Will never shut up about his hours-long sexcapades, therefore is probably bluffing. Oh, and the song "Desert Rose."
Pros: Google image search "Sting Dune."
He love you long time. -Dave Segal

PRINCE
Cons: Jehovah's Witnesses are not known for their prowess. Does he still insist on using that symbol?
Pros: Google image search "Prince butt."
He's like 3 feet tall. -Mike Nipper

In the first ad, a beautiful women (wind in her hair) pushes a cassette into her stereo shades (which look like the mirrorshades of William Gibson's fiction). The second, it is a CD.

I had two schizophrenic friends named Paul, and the night they met they immediately sucked each other’s cocks on the floor at a party without saying a word to each other. I thought that observing people have sex made me a hipster, until I learned about marine parasites. I have never clung to a shark or whale to consume leftover food particles, but only because I haven’t had the opportunity.