• Josh Bis
• Take me to your dealer.

I made it to the Paramount on Tuesday, early enough to see Animal Collective, but late enough to have missed Micachu and the Shapes (who I love). I was bummed, but luckily I was able to turn that frown into weed! Getting too stoned before Animal Collective is a duh, and maybe the actual prerequisite for this type of show? God, maybe even the prerequisite for ANY show at the Paramount (disclaimer: do not weed yourself before going to the Paramount [disclaimer disclaimer: unless you have a license to weed]).

"THE GOLD CEILINGS IN HERE ARE BREATHTAKING." Within the first 45 seconds of being in the Paramount lobby, I had already made a very serious pact with a friend to get DRESSED UP and attend The Nutcracker there, "WITH A GIANT BOW ON MY HEAD."

Let's talk about the show + more beautiful Josh Bis photos after the jump!

Continue reading »

The label on my Xanax lists hallucinations and thoughts of suicide as possible side effects. I did think of ending my life this afternoon, but I was just imagining how I would win a suicide competition—by shooting myself with two guns at once at Bed Bath and Beyond. Bed Bath and Beyond’s slip cover display invites nothing more than a violent spray, though I realized after thoroughly surveying it, not a spray of blood. I think this is why such a competition has never been held there.

• Actual photo of Rudy funneling beer on a Sea Doo Towable

Rudy Cold Teeth Near Vomit:

• Not even as a baby did she burp.

Why do you shotgun beer on a fairly consistent basis?

Cuz’n: In the baseball drinking game, shotgunning takes fifteen drinks off your total drinks.

Why did you choose a Kenny Loggins song?

Because Footloose is my favorite movie and it’s one of my favorite songs. I’m pissed they’re remaking it.

Here is 1 minute and 10 seconds of that shotgunning audio for you now:

• Metta

Ritter International Edition:

• Once you open it, you gotta tip it up.

The audio you are about to hear is of this person shotgunning a beer for the very first time in her life. She is receiving instructions from a male voice. At the 47 second mark, this male coaching voice says, “So there’s the air. And the beer. Ok?”

Yes. Air and beer. Hand in hand. Wrapped, rapt. Stacked like monuments to our days and lives alive.

Audio of Woman Shotgunning Beer For the Very First Time In Her Life:

"Girls blush, sometimes, because they are alive, half wishing they were dead to save the shame. The sudden blush devours them, neck and brow; They have drawn too near the fire of life, like gnats, and flare up bodily, wings and all. What then? Who's sorry for a gnat or girl?" - Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I remember rather vividly finding the first Yoko Ono/Plastic Ono Band record at a thrift store in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio. I'd taken to collecting copies of Herb Alpert's Going Places (I had 71 copies at one point) and anything by Claudine Longet, so I'd usually root through the record bins. My Claudine Longet fascination started a few years earlier in high school when my mother and I were shopping for boxer shorts at a thrift store. I used to wear boxer shorts as regular shorts over what my grandmother called unmentionables. My mother saw a copy of Claudine on a rack and flippantly said, "She killed her whole family, she chopped them up." I was fascinated by the picture then, the woman on the front looked like a librarian. I imagined her in a room with a clever just hacking away. On 9/11 my mother woke me up by calling my house incessantly to tell me that the Sears Tower had been destroyed by airplanes. Just like with our nation's tragedy, my mother wasn't exactly accurate about what happened with Claudine Longet.

• "I must listen to anyone named Claudine Longet." - Gilmore Girls SE01 / EP12

Continue reading »

• Hominid Mother

The rules for Shotgunning are to shotgun a beer, then try to sing a song, any song. Travis’ song of choice is the Misfits “We Are 138”. Travis downs his beer, then what happens out of his mouth is a physical and sonic anomaly. He burps, then burps on top of the burp. It’s a miracle. Travis doesn’t just burp up a Mack Truck, he burps up the dude driving the Mack Truck, and that dude’s mother, and somehow manages to keep singing. I mean, he doesn’t just burp up fire, Travis burps up the early hominid tribal clan that discovered fire, and all their mothers. The entire continent of Asia comes out his mouth.

Much discussion has been had as to the meaning of this Misfits song. It now has a new meaning. Out of a possible 100 points, I give Travis’ “Mack Truck Hominid Mothers Clan Burp” a 138.

What you are about to hear is the burp of the motherfucking year. I’m calling it now. Mark this down for all the year-end lists. At the end of this year, this burp will be the top burp of the year. Here is that audio for you now.

Travis Ritter: “The Burp of The Motherfucking Year”

"Just the Burp Remix" (Because it’s so unbelievable.)

Seattle heavies, He Whose Ox is Gored have Shotgunned. Song of choice is "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen. The actually don't shotgun per se, they bight into the can with their teeth (called The Savage Brew). Drawing blood. Props!

He Whose Ox is Gored play tomorrow, Saturday, May 14th at El Corazon with Trap Them, Great Falls, Cascabel, Devotion, and HWOIG.

• Sings John Denver

Shotgunning #4: Osama Bin Laden is Dead Edition, with Andre in PDX

• A Congenial Man

This installment of Shotgunning features a white dreadlocked man from Eugene, OR named Asher Sheltron. We were at an after party. Asher was relaxed and congenial, he was wearing faux fur, and his dreads were sturdy and convincing. Asher’s song of choice was Velvet Underground / Lou Reed, and I think he was dealing some sort of LSD. (Rules for Shotgunning: Shotgun a beer, then sing a song.) Here is that audio for you now:

Shotgunning 3: White Dreadlock Man in Eugene:

• Buffles

Shotgunning 2: Buffalo Madonna:

• sky-carrier

For this first installment of Shotgunning, Stranger/Mercury writer Travis Ritter met me in the International District outside Bush Garden so that I could record audio of him shotgunning a beer. He had been singing karaoke of the Hollies, “Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress”.

Ritter made a svelte hole in a can of Modelo Especial, then he chugged it. Then he sang a verse of the Hollies song. I got beer on my phone. Here is that audio for you now:

T. Ritter: "Modelo Especial"