(Crocodile) The premise: 25 mega-talented musicians meet at 10 a.m., randomly get split up into bands via a lottery, and then the new groups get 12 hours to come up with a band name and write three to five songs that they'll perform in front of a packed house at the Crocodile that same night. The list of participants is pretty insane: Derek Fudesco of the Murder City Devils and the Cave Singers, Chris Brokaw of Codeine and the New Year, Bill Rieflin (who's worked with everyone from R.E.M. to Ministry), Lesli Wood of the Redwood Plan, Irene Barber of Eighteen Individual Eyes... and so many more. Find out what happens when musicians stop being nice and start getting... oh, wait, no. That's a different show. But this'll be awesome!
Taylor Swift was already everywhere. She's been clogging up music blogs and magazine covers at grocery stores forever... but this week she released her fourth album and is now completely inescapable. (Nordstrom even has a limited edition Taylor Swift Keds in honor of her new record "Red.") Normally, I would never put that much thought into her since I can't stand her music (and I certainly love myself some mindless pop garbage; Miley, Carly Rae, even Katy), but this week she has sparked a debate: when asked if she considers herself a feminist by Newsweek, she replied:
I don’t really think about things as guys versus girls. I never have. I was raised by parents who brought me up to think if you work as hard as guys, you can go far in life.
Sigh. That is certainly not what feminism is all about, and it's a bummer to get that view perpetuated to her 10-18 year old female demographic (a Jezebel writer once labelled her as a "feminist's worst nightmare") However, some are saying she is an ambitious, classy hardworking woman who writes her own songs and has accomplished amazing things for a 22 year old, and it's ridiculous to call her a "feminist's nightmare".
Like I said, I just can't get over how much her music sucks (whenever I hear it I feel like I'm in a department store dressing room waiting for someone I'm dating to finish trying on business casual clothing or something—boring and awful.) But she is undeniably a strong female presence in music whether I like her or not. So I will reduce this question to a cheap online poll:
The 7th annual Home Skillet Festival hath gone down in Sitka, Alaska. Twenty-five some odd bands and DJs over July 13th and 14th including Don't Talk To The Cops!, Kingdom Crumbs, Fresh Espresso, Metal Chocolates, Astronomar, and the first ever performance of Iska Daaf, featuring Buffalo Madonna and Benjamin Verdoes of Mt. St. Helens Vietnam Band. On the festival grounds, beer and fried bread flowed. A sloven, inebriated woman in boots ran at and kicked a gigantic beach ball, puncturing it with a cannon shot, and falling on her ass in the mud. She was embarrassed, but a general sense of mirth prevailed. The Alaskans were jacked and happy for music. Kingdom Crumbs were especially on and at home in the spotlight, closing out the first night with the undulating prowess of their heliported Boughinni Fantasia. It had rained, making the stage a puddle of electronics. Puddles of water and electricity don’t mix, doubly so on Friday the 13th. Luckily nothing went awry, except for the sixty-eight-year-old fisherman at 3 AM, who had laid down in the hall of the hotel after a fit of pot smoking. His pants were off and he said he was Moby Dick.
Someone in Sitka is selling jock straps with real fur on them. They’re called The Duke. Whoever came up with this is genius. Also, face painting at the festival included the Mike Tyson design. Handfuls of children (and Rik Rude) bounded around with Mike Tyson face tattoos painted on their face.
Note to the performers. Due to the 'fucks' that had flown.
For 19 weeks now, The Championship of Balls Championship has seen combatants battling against each other in a heroic ballet of opposing forces. Blows have been thrown. Blow darts blown. People have pressed buttons on their computers to give votes. At stake, Presidency of The Stranger for a day. It is at this time that I would again like to call to attention what a mother*cking suave ass, badass mother*cker Steve Pool is. After his loss to Fruity Pebbles, his “people” finally got in touch with me to say they questioned what it is that the competition was. That’s right, what it is that the competition was. My response was this (verbatim), “Though Steve makes women pass out in the pasta aisle, and though his mustache is deserving of a malt liquor sponsorship, and though I have a framed picture of him on my wall where he is pointing to a low pressure system moving across Burien and smiling with his beautifully maintained teeth, sadly he does not improve the flavor of milk.” Then I asked the person if Steve had been invited to the royal wedding, and if they thought Steve would be able to make milk taste better in next year's tournament. I got no response.
Now to the finalists. Derek “The Ox” Erdman and his Ox Nation look furtive, looking to further plow. And P Smoov has been taking the ball to the hole, hitting fade aways, baseline j’s, crossing over through the lane, and stepping back with baby sky-hooks since the start. Erdman VS P now begins. (Polls will close tomorrow, Friday April, 15th at 4 PM.)
The Final Four has arrived in the Shogun Championship of Balls Championship. Fruity Pebbles Breakfast Cereal, still going, still alive as fuck, in milk, out of milk, in bed, nude, shaking a Shake-Weight, providing exotic taste sensations for your tongue’s receptor cells. Get a box of Fruity Pebbles, get nude, pour milk on your head, turn the lights on and off real fast like a strobe. Quote Billy Dee Williams, “Colt 45, Fruity Pebbles works every time.” In other tourney news, Sir Thomas Gray has been quietly getting the job done, in New York, on tour with Champagne. (Polls will be open until 4 PM tomorrow, Friday April 8th.) Pre-game thoughts by P Smoov and Derek “The Ox” Erdman:
P Smoov: Fruity Pebbles is a tough matchup. They have been playing well throughout the championship. But I’ve been on the elliptical. I don't think I've ever actually eaten them. If someone called my balls Fruity Pebbles I'd be mad.
Erdman: I still don't really understand what this contest is. At first it gave me a stomach ache. Eventually that led to anger. Now I just want to win because I'm not really competitive, but that's something I want to work on. I've been sleeping a lot and eating a lot of peanut butter. Also, I haven't changed my clothing but I shower everyday. So, I'm both gross and not gross at the same time. I want to appeal to everybody.
Down to the round of 8 here. The Sweet 16 saw Fruity Pebbles Breakfast Cereal pull out an incredible one-vote win over Komo’s Steve Pool. You read that right, ONE-VOTE WIN. Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Pool is a motherf*cking stylie-ass northwestern weather forecasting behemoth/institution. He walks into the grocery store to buy bananas and women fall on the ground unconscious because the sheer stylie power of his mustache incapacitates them. It’s that stylie. Pool of course was distraught by the loss. I contacted him to see how he felt about losing to Fruity Pebbles, but he had no comment. With the way Fruity Pebbles makes milk taste, it could go all the way. We’ll see how good the milk tastes after going against Streaker Fail Dude. Also, how will P Smoov fare against Young Evils and Kexp’s Troy Nelson? After defeating The Holy Almighty Creator, will P have anything left? And Derek “The Ox” Erdman with an impressive win over Macklemore. Can Erdman continue against The Three Scoop Ice Cream Tattoo on Gucci Mane’s Face? Lastly, royals Ish and Sir Thomas face off. Let’s get this flying. (Polls will be open until 4 PM tomorrow, Friday 4/1.)
First round action from this year’s Championship of Balls Championship saw some heated action. Fatal Lucciauno and God went back and forth down to the wire. God burried a last second 3 to pull out the win. Justin Bieber’s Mouth got out to an early lead, but couldn’t hold off Jackie Hell for four quarters. And Steve Pool advanced in a stunning upset over Lemmy Kilmister. Or not so stunning if you are into stylie weather men. We’ll see how Pool does against Fruity Pebbles Breakfast Cereal though.
The Sweet 16 looks to see more intense and penetrating competition. Jackie Hell vs. Gucci Mane’s Ice Cream Face Tattoo? Macklemore vs. Derek “The Ox” Erdman? Young Evils vs. Tit Pig? Streaker Fail vs. The Sheen? Let’s get this going. (Polls will be open till 5 PM this Friday, 3/25.)
March Madness is upon us with the NCAA Basketball Tournament. Teams are going head to head on the hardwood battling to be crowned champion. But the real action takes place here on Line Out, in the 2nd Annual Running of The Championship of Balls Championship. (See results of the first one.)
You vote to decide who wins, and who moves onto the next round. There are 32 competitors, divided into two divisions, seeded 1 through 16. Click bracket for larger view. (Polls for this first round will be open until noon this Friday.) Interesting first round matchups look to be Eddie Vedder vs. Charles Mudede, Jackie Hell vs. Justin Bieber’s Mouth, Robin Pecknold vs. Tit Pig’s Sean Evoy, and Fatal Lucciauno vs. God: