Northwest Medical Marijuana Guide

Not Just Pot Doctors

Intruder Alert

A Good Dispensary Is Hard to Find

Cannabis Calendar

Patients have legitimate reasons to use cannabis when they're sick. But you know what makes us sick? The assholes who, despite an avalanche of evidence, act like medical marijuana is a sham. They say, "Look at that woman in the medical-marijuana march, she doesn't look sick to me!" Shut up, assholes. The reason she looks healthy—the reason she can march down the middle of the street—is because medical marijuana helps her walk. These same assholes claim that people with "back problems" are abusing the medical-marijuana law. You know what, assholes? You get in a vertebrae-crushing car crash and take highly addictive, brain-deadening, bowel-constipating OxyContin for two years, and then tell us that switching to cannabis—which allows you to have a life, manage the pain, and poop—isn't a medical miracle.

Then again, there's the very credible argument that some people who aren't particularly ill do get authorizations for cannabis—when they're really fine—and that's an abuse of the law.

But here's a novel question: So what? We're not going to sob just because a healthy adult who responsibly smokes marijuana doesn't get arrested. And if you have a problem with it, you're free to go cry us a big, fat river to inner-tube down, assholes. Furthermore, know this: After we're done gaily tubing down your river of tears, the salt will be used to rim our margarita glasses. (Olé!)

The real problem is the law still lacks strength. As of today, our law is fraught with technicalities and ambiguities, so look for more information at

OH, BY THE WAY: This is The Stranger's third medical-marijuana guide. It will direct you to the best dispensaries and call assholes "assholes"—because they're ass-holes. Enjoy! —Edited by Dominic Holden