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Friday, August 1, 2008

Exclusive Ice

posted by on August 1 at 13:45 PM



Think of it: You, Vanilla Ice, and a Night on Meth.

A Hummer limo picks you up and a chilled 22 oz. St. Ides is put in your hand. Vanilla Ice is positioned on the other side of the Hummer shrouded beneath a white fake fur hood. He speaks into his Bluetooth and doesn’t say hello. Five women in bikinis giggle and bound around the interior of the limo. Kris Kross is cranked on the stereo. You are handed a glass pipe and for some reason, you inhale. Daddy Mac.

As the Methamphetamine enters your brain, a cascading release of norepinephrine, dopamine, and serotonin is triggered. The Hummer pulls through a Taco Bell drive-through and you order a grilled stuffed burrito with steak. Three cars are ahead of the limo in line. The music stops, Vanilla Ice takes off his sun glasses, looks you in the eye, and says, “That was bullshit what Suge Knight did to me. You heard about the balcony, right? He may have dangled my ass off the balcony, but I own a rare snow tiger. What I would like to do for you first is highlight the beginning of my life.”

You are handed a burrito and Vanilla’s voice fades into mumbles. Everyone is eating. They’ve grown teeth and shark mouths. All you hear is chewing. The bikini women thrash and throw beef around. A full week’s worth of Shark Week footage flashes high speed through your head. Your throat becomes chalky and you hallucinate.

You think you’re Moses.

You jump out of the sunroof and run into the street. You need to part the sea. If you can part the sea, the shark people won’t be able to get you. Oncoming cars swerve. You point your St. Ides can at the cement and command it to part. But it won’t part. The bikini women are yelling from the sidewalk. Their shark mouths have grown and they’re getting closer.

The sea isn’t parting so you run, as fast as you possibly can. The sharks and the Hummer don’t come after you. Forty-five minutes later you find yourself laying on a bench at a bus stop next to a man complaining about his problem acne. The St. Ides can is still in your hand.

You think you’re safe, you take a breath, then you notice the acne complainer has shark teeth. He turns and says, “Stop, collaborate and listen. Ice is back with my brand new invention.”

You get up and run, as fast as you possibly can.

RSS icon Comments


I can stop reading forever now, nothing will top this.

Posted by Little Red Ryan Hood | August 1, 2008 1:57 PM


Buddy you lost me here.

Posted by Jeff | August 1, 2008 3:06 PM

That would be fucking awesome!!!!!!

Posted by Meth Head | August 1, 2008 3:23 PM

You got that right! Bitches, 22oz, a bong full of crack, and most of all me!!! What's mah name bitch?

Posted by Vanila Ice | August 1, 2008 3:26 PM
5's Vanila Ice sir!!!

Posted by Meth Head | August 1, 2008 3:29 PM

I think it would be cool to meet Vanila Ice, he's a historicel figeur. Why are you such a dick about it, Trent!

Posted by DJ Fizzle | August 1, 2008 3:36 PM

I'm still running. I can't stop.

Posted by drheavy | August 1, 2008 3:39 PM

Shut your mouth, DJ Fucknut! Trent's my boy!

Posted by WOLF BLITZER: SPECIAL REPORT | August 1, 2008 3:54 PM

Come on now. We are the world. We are the children.

Posted by trent moorman | August 1, 2008 4:01 PM

Sorry Trent. DJ Fizzle's comment really pissed me off.

Posted by WOLF BLITZER: SPECIAL REPORT | August 1, 2008 4:17 PM

Sure, Wolf. That's alright. Have a burrito.

Posted by trent moorman | August 1, 2008 4:23 PM

AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! (runs to cath up with drheavey)

Posted by WOLF BLITZER: SPECIAL REPORT | August 1, 2008 4:43 PM

"No, Vanilla!"

Posted by Eric Grandy | August 1, 2008 4:46 PM

Iceman's got legs

(most important comment)

Posted by Brandon | August 1, 2008 5:53 PM

the important thing is: so many, many years later i realize i have been misquoting the first line. oh man.

also: i too would like a burrito.

Posted by showcase | August 4, 2008 9:56 AM

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