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Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Guitar Player Makes Voodoo Doll of Bandmate

posted by on September 16 at 9:58 AM

This in from Jared:

VoodooDoll.jpgIím in a newish band and we have played a couple of house parties that went pretty well. We auditioned for a second guitarist a few weeks ago and found one that we liked, but didnít know too well. After the last house party we played, there was a bit of a band argument over the money. We made $100. I thought we should pay for the posters that were made to promote the show out of the $100. The new guitar player just wanted to split the money up evenly and not have to pay for the posters. I paid $30 for the posters out of my own pocket. I think itís ridiculous that I should have to pay for the posters myself and I am kind of the leader, so we split the remaining $70 evenly among us. The guitar player was not happy.

At the next rehearsal, I think I saw a voodoo doll of me in the guitar playerís backpack. I think it was me because I always wear a red jacket and Iím bald. The little doll I saw was wearing a red jacket and had no hair. I asked him what it was and he didnít say anything. He just put it away really fast and acted like there was nothing there. Heís a really good guitar player. What should we do? Ė jared

Dear Jared,

Cut him loose. Itís not going to be worth it in the long run. Do not mess with anyone that messes with voodoo dolls. Guitar players that make voodoo dolls also huff model glue and prowl around playgrounds. I bet this guitar player goes to petting zoos for all the wrong reasons. He probably sharpens knives when he’s nervous.

Was there a chicken claw in his bag? Was the doll skillfully made? Are you sure he doesnít just play with dolls? Is he in a doll making class? Did you notice if he tried to get any of your hair? Does he have a neck tattoo of Cat Woman? I think voodoo dolls only work if they have some of your hair. Have you experienced shooting pain to your spleen or any other body part?

Sadly, this guitar player may be the second coming of Stevie Ray Vaughan, but if he made a voodoo doll of you, he could be sticking pins in your eyes right now, and chanting, and thatís bullshit, Jared.

Give him the $7.50 he would have made from your poster money for the show and let him go, gently. Then bathe in garlic and Epsom salt, stand in a helix made of crystal sand for eleven minutes and eleven seconds, and read the Book of Proverbs. You should be OK:

4:19. The way of the wicked is darksome: they know not where they fall. 4:20. My son, hearken to my words, and incline thy ear to my sayings. 4:21. Let them not depart from thy eyes, keep them in the midst of thy heart.
4:22. For they are life to those that find them, and health to all flesh.
4:23. With all watchfulness keep thy heart, because life issueth out from it.

RSS icon Comments


Even without the doll, cut him loose for being a douche about the money.

But in the future, settle these things in advance. "I'm going to spend $30 on posters. If we make any money, I would like to be reimbursed out of it, cool?"

Or just start a band fund for future posters, t-shirts, recordings, etc. and don't pay anyone ever.

Posted by Levislade | September 16, 2008 10:25 AM

I love this.

Posted by flamingbanjo | September 16, 2008 10:36 AM

You hate to see the voodoo doll come out like that. When voodoo dolls come out you know it has gone too far.

I love this too. Made my day.

Posted by dave | September 16, 2008 11:56 AM

Yeah, settle these things in advance. Be proactice on the voodoo.

This voodoo doll never should have happened.

Posted by dave | September 16, 2008 11:59 AM

Give each member (4 band mates I assume) $20 - a nice round number. Keep $20 for your posters and expenses... not having communicated your responsibilities to a new band mate cost you $10.

A real estate agent once told me "When true negotiation happens over big money, everyone walks out of settlement feeling just a tiny bit screwed - everyone. That is a successful negotiation. There are no 'winners' or 'top dogs', because it was worked out for real."

Understand his desire to make a voodoo doll if there was an unexpected expense, but also understand the need for a good team over any one "Stevie Ray". If Stevie weren't a good communicator within his team, he'd have been sucking dicks for crack under the freeway.

Posted by WOLF BLITZER: SPECIAL REPORT | September 16, 2008 12:10 PM

Mmmm... freeway crack dick.

Posted by Pico D. | September 16, 2008 6:06 PM

dave @ 4


"You hate to see the voodoo dolls come out"

Amen. Can we settle this with out going to voodoo threat level orange?

Posted by Homeland Scrutiny | September 17, 2008 3:58 AM

If this douche makes a stink over $7.50, he will make a stink over EVERYTHING. He is not worth one more second of your time. Give him $7.50 and a boot in the cheap douche ass out the door.

Posted by Ramses | September 18, 2008 2:00 PM

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